Last night Sam and I went to my sister's house to spend time with family. Sam's parents came with us. We BBQ'd pizza. If you have never done it, I highly recommend it! It was a great night full of laughter and fun times. There were six kids running around (four niece and nephews) and two neighbor kids. I loved it. It made my heart so happy. As the night was winding down, Matisse brought out a gift from my sisters and my mom. It was the most special gift we have EVER been given. It is the cutest, most precious picture of Mary in a frame. There are no words to express what it means to us. There are no words to express how much we love it. Below is a picture of it. Hopefully it brings a smile to your face.
I didn't go to work today. I took it off to give myself a day to grieve. Not grieve because I am giving up hope, but grieve the dreams I had. I have all the faith in the world that God will provide miraculous healing for Mary and she will live on earth with us. I am realistic though. I know that life with Mary on earth will not be the life I had envisioned when we got pregnant. That's okay though; God likes to remind us we aren't in charge. He knows exactly what is going to happen and I don't. Because of that I continue to have hope and pray like no other. In addition to giving myself a day to grieve, I made the crappy phone calls I knew I needed to make. I needed to call insurance to talk about different options. I needed to call some organizations to get help figuring things out. I am definitely not ready to go into detail about those conversations. They royally sucked. They made everything so much more real. They made my physically sick. They were horrible. Ugh, I cry just thinking about them.
When Sam got off work we went to another doctors appointment. I was so anxious. I didn't want to talk anymore and I was so afraid that there wouldn't be a heartbeat. I know that's a pessimistic thought, but it's real. PRAISE THE LORD!! Her heartbeat is still as strong as ever. Today has been extra painful so I'm going to share the things I'm thankful for. It's all about attitude right?
I'm going to use ABC's because these are in no particular order. :)
A. Mary Heartbeat. Daddy recorded his baby girls heartbeat. It was the most beautiful music we have ever heard. We can listen to it whenever we want now.
B. Less sickness. This is an interesting one. I didn't feel nauseous all day until about 7pm. That's a record. I hate feeling nauseous so much. I have a phobia of throwing up. BUT feeling nauseous also lets me know that Mary is still in there controlling my hormones. Regardless, less was so nice!
C. The picture of Mary my sisters gave us! Every time I look up from the couch, it's there and makes me smile.
D. My job and coworkers. Their kindness, love, and compassion is mind-blowing. Because of my principal, coworkers, and district, I have the rest of the week off.
E. The next two days off work. I can spend all the time with Mary. I literally laid on the couch for 2 hours today with my hands on my tummy loving her so much and talking to her.
F. My husband and Mary's daddy. I wouldn't be able to do this without him. He is my rock. He is my everything. He is taking the best care of us. We love you Daddy!
G. Those of you who specifically ask and pray for Sam. I feel like sometimes he doesn't get the attention in all of this he needs. Attention isn't the right word, but I'm not sure what is. God is pouring special blessings on him.
H. Our family. We couldn't do this without their love and support.
I. Music. I haven't really been able to watch TV. Music is whats speaking to my heart and giving me hope.
J. Another day with Mary Margaret!
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