Crying Always Makes Me Feel Better

It's been a few days since I've posted. I've thought about posting several times, but I just don't really have anything to say. School finished up and it's summertime now. I have very mixed emotions about that. I am excited to be able to sleep in and rest a lot, but I'm also dreading not having a routine. I think about having six weeks off and I'm neither excited nor dreading it. For the last several months (really since we found out we were pregnant), I had been planning on getting the nursery painted and ready. That was going to be my summer. Well, now I'm not, so I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. It has left me with an lack of interest in doing much. I know that I will find things to do to fill my time, just have to think in a different mindset. 

It was a few days after we found out that our precious Mary had some abnormalities, that I made a promise to Sam. I told him (promised) that I was going to try my absolute hardest to NOT become bitter and jealous of my friends and anyone who had babies. I have a few acquaintances who have gone through miscarriages and have become bitter and jealous. I always had my own opinions about that. Boy, I totally get it now. It's so easy to get jealous, angry and bitter. I wake up every single day and remind myself to have a joyful and thankful heart for all the precious babies and children I will come across that day. It really is much harder than it sounds. While I am not jealous or bitter, being around young children and babies is VERY hard. Target used to be my favorite place to go. Now I dread it. There are so many people and babies are Target every time I go.  Again, I'm not jealous, just really sad. 

Tonight we went to our friends house for a swim party and BBQ. I knew that there were going to be young families with lots of babies and toddlers. To be honest, I didn't want to go. I love our friends and want to spend time with them, but I just didn't feel strong enough or ready to be around all of them with their babies. I went because I knew it was important to Sam. He has to deal with me every day, so I want him to be able to have an outlet as well and be around some guys. I pepped myself up the whole way there. When we got there, I thought everything was going to be okay. Sam and I changed into our suits and went outside. Sam got into the pool and I sat down to just absorb everything. Then it hit me. I was not okay. My heart started racing and I just wanted to run away. I started walking away crying, but realized I couldn't run away from this. I needed to be thankful for our friends and their adorable families. My friend came up to me and hugged me and I fell apart. I cried hard for a few minutes. I just want to be like them. I want our Mary to be healthy and be able to be in the pool with us within a few months. I want Sam to be with the other dads with his baby in his arms. I want something that I may not be able to have. I cried and cried and then I felt better. I was able to voice everything and then I was able to get myself collected. I of course had a great evening. Sure I was sad, but I was thankful to be surrounded by people who knew how hard it was for me and were aware. We didn't talk much about Mary, but we didn't need to. We, Sam, Mary, and I, were surrounded by friends who love us, support us, and pray for us.