Back To Work... Too Soon?

Last night I got an awful nights sleep. I was sick to my stomach all night. I kept waking up sweating or crying. Never in my life have I woke up from a dead sleep actually crying. I am not remember my dreams at all. I don't know if that is a blessing or not. I woke up and immediately did not want to go to work. Sam was already gone, but I started texting him right away. He continued to support and encourage me from afar. What would I do without him? I slowly started getting ready and I felt better. That was the first obstacle I conquered today. Getting up and getting ready. I sat down to eat breakfast and had a hard time swallowing food as I was still feeling so sick. Again, I conquered it. Who knew getting dressed and eating are tasks someone would consider a successful day. 

I left for school. The drive was pleasant. I turned up the music and Mary and I jammed the whole way to school. For a few minutes I felt like everything was normal. Like I was your "normal" pregnant mom enjoying her second trimester. When I got to school I couldn't get out of my car. I didn't want to be back at work. I knew I had made the wrong decision. I wasn't ready to be back. I again found the strength to get out of the car and go inside. When I got into my classroom I called Sam balling. Today I am not strong. Today sucks. Today I don't want this to be our reality. Being in my classroom was so difficult. It doesn't seem fair that I am a special education teacher preparing for my own special needs child. I sat down at my desk and there were two small dead flowers. Later I found out that they were from a student who missed me yesterday. I cried as I looked at the dead flowers. The gesture was so so sweet and yet I felt like it was so symbolic. Flowers in and of themselves are beautiful but yet they were dead which made me look at them so different. I look at my pregnancy differently than I do the flowers. I think that's what makes me different. I am pregnant and know the outlook is grim but yet I continue to TRY to look at it at a beautiful thing...even though today has been the hardest yet. My pregnancy is a beautiful thing. 

The day didn't really improve. Some teachers came to talk to me which I loved yet I wasn't able to compose myself at all when they did even though I thought thats what I wanted. Then there were other teams who didn't mention it at all. I can't blame them. What are you supposed to say? All day my students kept asking "whats wrong?" My eyes are so swollen. I have nothing to say to them. I couldn't even tell them we are having a little girl. I knew I would fall apart. Some of the staff played flag football against some of the older students. I usually don't take my class out to watch as they don't usually show any interest and can't maintain focus for that long. Today I did though. It was a beautiful day outside. Why should I deny them any opportunity a typical student would get. I was so proud of my school babies. Most of them did fabulous. We did go inside before the game finished but we were outside for a lot of it. As I was sitting on the grass with my class I took this picture. 

The world is still a gorgeous place. Hundreds of kids were around me having a great time and laughing and playing. I just sat with my hand on my belly thanking God for this journey. It was probably the most positive I was today. 

I made it through lunch and one more hour and then I hit my limit. My daily "morning sickness" started and I had to leave. The nausea has become debilitating as I have been able to stand it leading up to this point because I took it as a sign of a healthy pregnancy. I'm somewhere around 19 weeks and now it makes me so sad. I hate it. It's like a physical reminder that my body and Mary are struggling. I know I need to think about in a different light, but I can't yet.  Mary and I made it 5 hours at school today. 

I came home, fell apart for a few minutes, and then thanked God some more. I thank Him so much every day. Today I thank him for a school family who loves me. I thank Him for a principal who is being so flexible with me even though it is the end of the year. I thank Him for a husband who is my rock through all of this. I thank God for a husband who isn't worrying about me taking unpaid days off even though we know financially we will be struggling severely. I thank Him for my baby, Mary Margaret. I thank Him for my family who is having us over for dinner tonight. I thank Him for our family who is helping in every way possible. I thank Him for an awesome aunt who is giving Sam time off to take care of me even though she needs Sam's help.  I thank Him for another day with Mary. 

Maybe tomorrow I will make it to work a full day. Maybe I won't. For now I focus on the moment and that is one I'm choosing to have a positive attitude for. I will take every day moment by moment. 

Today's verse and source of encouragement. 

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11