Glorious Unfolding

Life has been calm for the last few days and I love it. At the same time though, it makes me uncomfortable. Everyone around me seems so happy and content. Sure, I am happy in the moment, but yet my heart still aches so much. The more that times passes, the more pressure I feel to be "okay" and to "get over it". No one is telling me this. No one is putting this pressure on me. I think this is all inside my head. I almost feel like days when there is chaos and scares it's easier to cry and show emotion. I feel like it's justified and acceptable. Days that are normal and calm are so nice for my anxiety and so hard on my heart. I want to cry multiple times a day for stupid reasons, but yet that's not acceptable (I guess according to me). I never want Mary, or anyone else to feel like I'm giving up. I have more hope for our situation now than I ever have been. But yet my heart is still breaking and I'm still crying. The more time that passes, the more I realize this is our reality and I'm not going to wake up. It's so scary to be inside my head right now. Thank goodness no one has to see it! HA! Every ache or pain or weird feeling scares me to death and makes me worry that this will be the end of our journey. Yet, rays of hope shine through and remind me I'm just overacting. My belly is growing. I'm getting stretch marks (in unfortunate places), but still that gives me hope that Mary is growing and that my body is providing everything she needs. 

As I was listening to KLOVE on my way to work this morning, I was completely lost in the music. The interesting thing was that I wasn't thinking about the words of the songs. It was almost just like a safe place for me mind to process. I know it sounds weird. I realized that I need to change my perspective. Thousands of times a day I pray to God that He provides ultimate healing. I pray that He does this, and that, and this, and that. While I don't think there is anything wrong this prayer, God hears my inner most thoughts. He knows this is my biggest desire. He knows more than anything I want complete healing for Mary. I realized today, that I am called to pray for His will to be done. God already has Mary's story (and mommy and daddy's stories) written. He already has the perfect story unfolding. I feel I need to pray for strength and courage to do His will with whatever happens. I need to pray for wisdom for the doctors, health for my body, and courage to surrender completely and live in the happiness of the moment. I think that maybe praying this way will allow me to see the bigger picture and feel His presence more. 

Living in the moment is very hard at times though. This morning at school was Kindergarten celebration (sort of like promotion). I have been working very closely with a handful of very special kinders this year, so I watched the ceremony. While my heart was beaming with joy for these kiddos who have grown so much, it was also breaking. I tried so hard to stay focused on the here and now, yet I kept getting lost. I so want to see our Mary up there in five years. I want to see her smiling from ear to ear, singing songs about growing up. I want to be that mom is the crowd who cheers obnoxiously loud, even though I've been a teacher and know it's irritating. I want to see pictures on a big screen of our princess playing with friends. I so long for these simple milestones. Tears streamed down my face, both happy and sad tears. Living in the present is so hard!

A friend reminded me of a beautiful song tonight. It was exactly what I needed. I've heard it many, many times, yet the words struck me at a much deeper level tonight. I am so thankful for my faith and my knowledge that I never am alone, even when I feel like I'm losing it. I'm thankful for my beautiful unfolding. 

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we're living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will, be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)