Thanking Him For Small Miracles

Sometimes, the smallest things can bring the biggest breaths of fresh air. Yesterday was one of those times. Sam and I met with our doctor to get some of our questions answered (hopefully). This was an appointment I had asked for, not one that was necessary. We met with her and got a few answers, although most of them were "could be's", "maybe's", and "probably nots". The biggest question we had was at what level my amniotic fluid was. Midway through out conversations she informed us that she had scheduled us for an ultrasound to see if they could see anything else. We still hadn't seen the second arm and hand, kidneys, lip and palate, ect.

We went into the ultrasound room and I was so nervous. I get nervous every time we look for a heartbeat. I was relieved once we saw it beating away. Yesterday her heart was beating nice and strong at 169bpm. She then started looking around. I really enjoyed it this time. I hardly remember anything from the ultrasound two weeks ago because I was crying so hard. Yesterday, I loved looking at her. She is just so cute all curled up in there. She is still in her tight ball.

I knew there were certain things to not ask about because we could clearly see they were still abnormal. Her brain is still soft (none of the squiggles), she is missing her cerebellum and hippocampus, and there is fluid in her brain. This time though I was able to overlook all of that. Much to our very pleasant surprise she was moving a lot. We saw her one leg moving again, and one wrist move. That is a big deal. She was also rolling from side to side. Yay! The tech asked if we could switch to internal ultrasound because of her position. I agreed even though it is so uncomfortable. Once she was inside, Mary had rolled again. That's okay though, Sam and I were enjoying watching it.

To summarize our good news: Mary has one kidney and it looks great! You have no idea how relieved we were to find this. The doctor and the tech were searching and searching and they finally found it. There may be another one but probably not. That's totally fine though because you only need one kidney to live. A lot of that searching is due to her being so curled up. Mary's tummy was full. Also amazing news. That means she swallows. This is huge news. It is bad news if she can't swallow and makes it very uncomfortable for mommy later in pregnancy. She does not have a cleft lip or palate. I know this is a very simple thing, but I am personally so happy to hear this. The last bit of good news is the best. I had almost normal amniotic fluid. Thank you God! This is crucial to give Mary any fighting chance. She needs to be able to move and she needs fluid to help her lungs develop.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers. Sam and I are beyond grateful for them. He is hearing them and giving us glimmers of hope.

This is all great news, but the reality remains the same. She is still labeled as "incompatible with life". I hate that term more than anything else in this world. We continue to plead with God to provide miraculous healing. Finding a kidney is great! Now we need to see her bladder (they couldn't see this but the doctor assured us it's okay). We also need healing for her brain. She still has a pretty big "speck" on her heart and we haven't even begun talking about what that means yet. She also has something with bowels. Again, we haven't had conversations about that. We want to be able to feel her move. I still haven't felt movement. I so long to feel her move. I also want Sam to be able to feel her move. We know that God has the perfect plan for all of this. We love each and every day we have with her. We made it to 20 weeks today! A huge milestone! I officially have my first stretch mark (yes, this makes me happy because it lets me know she is growing). We are already seeing the amazing things our precious daughter is doing to people's lives and she is still inside me. We pray for total healing, but we are prepared for whatever God throws at us. We take things day by day.

Yesterday morning I was given this book:

If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it. Especially if you are a mommy or daddy. When I was handed this book, I was told to read it at home. Thank goodness I did because the tears were streaming down. They weren't completely sad tears though, there were a few happy tears. For the first time since getting the news, I felt like these tears were some of acceptance. I pray endlessly to God that he blesses us with a daughter on earth to hug, cuddle and love. I also am coming to terms with realizing I am not in control and that might not be His ultimate plan. We are just called to follow Him and trust in Him completely. 

Mary, my precious and perfect daughter, these words could not be any truer: 

"You are my angel, my darling, my star... and my love will find you wherever you are." 

I pray these words mean I get to hold you and love you, but my love finds you now in my belly, and will continue to find you on earth or in heaven. I love you baby!