Today has been a good day. I have to admit I'm a little surprised. I woke up and almost did go to work. Why? I didn't feel good. Honestly I wake up feeling awful every single day. The first thirty minutes of my day are the hardest. I wake up and realize this is still happening. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm still sleepy. Usually I text Sam and somehow his encouraging text gives me what I need to get myself in gear.
Our schedule at school was completely different today. My students don't do well in situations like this and truthfully I don't either. I can relate to my kiddos. I like routine and order. Surprisingly it was a good day. We had fun and laughed. We were making our own little yearbooks. One of the questions was "My favorite song is". As my students were all working I walked around and started playing their favorite songs. We listened to Christmas songs in May. It was awesome! We listened to Frozen, What Does The Fox Say, Lion King songs, Everything Is Awesome, ect. We were all over the place but it was fun. I know Mary was happy because her mommy was. I decided she is going to be like mommy and love Christmas so very much. So much that she'll listen to Christmas music with me in May.
I am so thankful for my amazing coworkers. I know that there are so many classrooms I can go to if I need anything. As I mentioned yesterday, my head is not in the game. There are so many teachers who gave me fun ideas to finish the year strong. I get hugs at all times of the day. Everyday I get to talk about Mary at least once. It makes this mommy so happy!
This afternoon I went to my nephew's preschool celebration/promotion. My older sister so kindly told my oldest nephew that "JoJo is coming tomorrow" so I was stuck. It started at 4pm. I pulled into the parking lot at 3:50 just as my sister was calling. She warned me that there were a lot of babies. A lot of young babies. She told me she wouldn't mind at all if I just went home. I didn't even think twice. I had told Matisse and Liam I was going and so I was going to be true to my word. My three nephews and niece are my motivation to keep going. My love for them is incredible. They make me laugh and smile when everything seems hopeless. I walked inside and was a little taken aback by all the strollers. There were babies of all ages. I was so sad, but I was so thankful for their precious lives. One of the moms started talking with me and my sister. She said if I had kids. My heart sank. I confidently told her I was expecting my first. She then preceded to ask if it was a boy or girl. Was I still sick? Was I working on a a nursery? I have been DREADING people asking me those. I just breathed through it. I could tell my sister was uncomfortable. I honestly don't even know what I said. It sucks. People don't know, and I'm just not sure how to respond.
In the middle of the ceremony our genetic counselor called. We talked for 25 minutes. No new information. We talked about many difficult things but I'm just not ready to go into them yet. Sam and I have some big things to consider. Please join us in prayer for wisdom and confidence to make choices and stand by them. We are meeting with our Perinatal specialist tomorrow at 2:00pm to have some simple questions answered. Sam and I emailed a list of 13 questions today. She will come with the best answers possible tomorrow. Nothing discussed tomorrow will be earth shattering. It's more to give us some peace of mind. I am excited and nervous.
I decided today that I am going to focus my prayers on one specific area. I am praying that I somehow get more amniotic fluid. Mary needs fluid to grow and develop. I am pretty sure that low amniotic fluid is one of her greatest risks. I have had a gallon of water today. I will try anything and everything. Please pray hard that God blesses us with more fluid. I don't know how this will be possible, but God is bigger than this simple request.
I am feeling hopeful today. I am feeling calm. I am feeling happy. I thank God for these positive things. To end today's post I am going to share something that makes my heart swell with happiness and absolutely devastates me. Something, that someday in many years I'll bring up and share again. As I was leaving the preschool today I went to tell Matisse and Liam goodbye. Matisse came up to me and gave me a big kiss. Then he kissed my tummy and said "I love you too Mary." I just wanted to cry. I started walking away, maintaining composure. As I was walking I heard "JoJo, JoJo" behind me. I turn around and Matisse and a few friends were running towards me. I stopped. Matisse comes up and puts his hand on my belly and told his friends that he is having a new baby girl cousin who he loves so much. He kissed her again and ran away. I lost it. Matisse is the only person in this world she treats Mary like she is perfect and just your normal baby. He loves babies so much. I have never seen a five year old who loves babies so much. He is so excited to have another baby cousin. His love for her is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The innocence of a child is a true gift from God. He kisses my belly all the time and asks when she is coming out. We obviously aren't telling him whats going on. I pray that I can continue to maintain myself when he is around. I pray that Mary gets to someday, by the grace of God, play with Matisse and grow up with him. He loves her so much. Someday when Matisse is grown up, I will have to remind him how extra special his kisses were through this journey. His love for her reminds me of the love God has for us. He loves us completely unconditionally. Today and forever I am so thankful that Mary has a cousin who loves her even as an unborn baby. I am so thankful God has chosen us to be her mommy and daddy because our families are fighting and praying for her unceasingly.
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