One Very Scary Day

It has taken me all day to get up the courage to write today. Yesterday was quite possibly the most stressful day yet. Unfortunately I know that these days will be more frequent than I want to admit. To start with good news, Mary is still with us. Thank you God! 

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep to save my life. I was going back to work Monday morning. I chalked up my insomnia to anxiety about returning to work. After being up most of the night, I finally feel asleep but I have no idea for how long. I woke up out of a dead sleep covered in sweat with my heart racing. I literally thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest. This happened throughout the remainder of the night. Monday morning Sam's alarm went off at 5 and I was wide awake. I was so sick to my stomach. I got up and tried to eat breakfast. I had no luck. I was so sick. I looked down at my hands and they were so swollen. My wedding rings were being suffocated by the swelling. I decided I was in no shape to go to work. Racing heart, swollen hands, sick stomach. This combination made me a very unhappy person. Sam left for work and I went back to bed. I slept for maybe another hour and a half and woke up sweating with my heart racing again. I got up and spent the remainder of the day not moving on the couch. Every time I'd get up to go to the bathroom I was so out of breath. I was like an old lady. Around lunch time I decided to drive down to CVS to take my blood pressure to make sure it wasn't too high. I know that I'm at an increased risk of developing preeclampsia, even this early. Thankfully my blood pressure was still low, as it has been my whole pregnancy. I did notice that it logged my heart rate at 122bpm. I went home and called Sam. I started to worry that something was wrong. All of these symptoms were new and out of the blue. The more I thought about, the more I realized my body and my gut was telling me something was wrong. To make a long list of doctors phone calls and conversations short, we ended going to L&D. Apparently around week 20 gestation, you check in through L&D. 

When we got to Chandler Regional, even getting out of the car was hard. Not only because I was out of breath but because I wasn't ready to be here. No women should be here until she is 9 months pregnant and ready to deliver. I was whispering "God I need you" to myself the whole time we walked in. Those were the only words I had. I can't even put into words how extremely painful it was to be in L&D. We walked in and immediately I heard newborn babies crying. It was the most beautiful and absolutely heartbreaking sound I have ever heard. Hearing the babies crying literally tore my heart into a million, trillion pieces. Seeing super pregnant mommies walking around, babies crying, ugh it was all just so painful. I lost it. I was devastated. I am NOT giving up hope, but I know that this is my ultimate dream; to be walking the halls, holding Sam's hand, nine months pregnant, anxiously awaiting our precious, perfect, healthy baby. 

I had to wait a few minutes to be seen because they were very busy. I eventually got called back. I barely look pregnant. Before she could even ask why I was there, I lost it. I was sobbing. Ugh, thinking about it still hurts so very, very much. The nurse (who we can't remember her name) just hugged me. She still didn't know why I was there. Eventually I gathered the strength and found the words to tell her why I was there. She put the things on my belly to look for a heartbeat. There was none. I sobbed even harder. She called back and requested a handheld doppler ASAP. Within seconds two more nurses and the charge nurse appeared. They each looked on my belly for her heartbeat. Still nothing. I know exactly where she is inside of me. She hasn't moved all pregnancy. They were right on top of her and still silence.  They moved us back into the real triage and ordered an ultrasound. I know that they assumed she was gone. I even questioned it for a few minutes. Then I realized I couldn't give up hope. I had to believe in my precious Mary. All of these symptoms I was experiencing are possibly ways my body may tell us if/when she does pass. I was living my very worst nightmare. After almost an hour, the ultrasound arrived. I might add that for that hour we sat behind a curtain surrounded by mommies and daddies experiencing the best day of their lives. There was one baby that just cried and cried. The more that baby cried, the more I cried. I thought I was literally going to die of heartache. Meantime I'm hooked up to a heart monitor and my heart rate is sky high. The tech laid me down, the nurse stood behind her, Sam was next to me holding  my shaking hand, and they had the machine turned away from me. Sam could see though. Seconds after they started it, Sam said "I see it babe" and I just cried some more. I honestly don't know where I get all of these tears. I keep praying I run out soon. The nurse asked the tech if she saw a heartbeat and she didn't answer. I trusted Sam though, clearly he could see it otherwise he wouldn't have told me. A minute later the tech finally said, "yes there is a heartbeat". THANK YOU JESUS! THANK YOU JESUS! I think the nurse was surprised. They continued to look and they noted that my amniotic fluid was still very low. UGH. 

Once we knew Mary was okay, I felt like I could start living again. The doctor decided to check to see if I was slowly leaking fluid as an explanation of why my amniotic fluid was so low. I knew I wasn't. Deep down, even though it kills me to admit, I know her kidneys are sick too. It test was painful and the answer was exactly that I thought. I am not leaking. It is probably her kidneys. After everyone was assured Mary was okay I was transferred down to ER to figure out my insane heart rate and rapid breathing. We were there for hours. They wanted to do every test in the world. The doctors SO wanted to find an answer for why this was happening. I know. Sam knows. It's hard to admit, but I believe there is healing in truth. My body is/was reacting to anxiety. I am trying to be brave and have all the hope in the world, but I am human. I believe this was one giant anxiety attack. They gave me fluids and my heart rate came down. They diagnosed me as "heart palpitations from unknown cause".  It is definitely not "unknown". I am suffering from anxiety from a hurting and breaking heart. My body is taking making sacrifices to help sustain my precious baby's life. I wouldn't change this. I realize though, that I also have to take care of me. Anxiety is a nasty thing. 

We got home at midnight last night and went to bed. We were thankful for another night with Mary. I can't deny the physical toll it is taking on me. I am not pleading with God to give me strength. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I will never give up hope. 

Today was a MUCH better day. A new day is a beautiful thing. I stayed home from work one more day to sleep and rest. I am ready to return to work tomorrow. Am I anxious?  YES! Will it be hard? YES! Will I have to do it alone? Nope! I have my school family to support me as I finish this year. 

One more thing to add. I called the perinatologist today to see if our results are in. They are. Problem is the doctor has to give them to me. The nurse wouldn't even though I pleaded with her. Is this ironic timing that the results will come probably on my first day back to work? No... I don't believe in coincidences. God's timing is perfect. Tomorrow I ask for prayers as I return to work. I know my anxiety will be high which makes me physically sick. I pray that I am stronger than this. I also pray for strength to accept whatever diagnosis we receive. Regardless of what the doctors tell us, we know our Mary is perfect and we love her unconditionally.