Sam and I were going to church like we do every Sunday. This week was extra special because Sissy (Aimee, my big sister) asked to come with us. I was very excited about that. Last night, Sam's parents texted him and said they were going to come with us too. Even better! This morning when we woke up, I was very sad again. Yesterday I felt happy, today I was sad and was frustrated about that. I hate how unpredictable my emotions are. Sam encouraged me to get up and get going. In true Sam and Jolee fashion we got to church very early. When they finally opened the doors for us to go in, I grabbed a program like always. I looked down at it and this is what I saw.
These are the WORST words Sam and I have ever heard. Here we are at church, trying to praise God through this crappy storm and He makes this the cover?! I couldn't believe it. I started almost yelling at Sam. I wasn't mad at him obviously, I just didn't want to face this. I wanted to run out of the church and go home and remain there. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my sister coming, that is exactly what I would have done. I can't even tell you how much this cover rocked my core. We sat down (still nearly 30 minutes early) and I read the story. Inside the program there was short version of this amazing couples experience. There was a website to go to for the full story and of course I pulled out my phone and went to it. This couple had been told the same thing, that their unborn child was "incompatible with life." They, like us, decided to carry their unborn daughter and pray for a miracle. They received the diagnosis of Trisomy 18. I wouldn't be telling the truth unless I admitted that I was pained with little bit of jealousy for a minute. That is the diagnosis I pray so greatly for. Then I remembered that I wouldn't change my precious Mary for anything. I just continue to pray for a miracle. As I read the story, I just cried. I hadn't cried in almost 24 hours and here I sat balling again. My sister called and I had to have Sam answer. He went out to get my sister and his parents. I guess he warned them that I was a mess. A few minutes later, there we sat, the five of us, that just a week ago had been together for the conversation with the doctor who told us OUR daughter is incompatible with life. Some might call this ironic, but it was totally a God Thing. Worship started and I found the strength to sing and give my greatest thanks to God for my amazing family, even more amazing husband, and beautiful daughter inside of me. The message today was on "Why People Suffer". I really didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear all about how God loves us so much and that even through we suffer at the deepest level, we are still called to have faith. I knew this, but I was angry. Worship definitely helped reduce my anger. We sat down and a story came on the screen. It was a short documentary of sorts on this same family. I held Sam's hand so tight through it. I was able to keep it together until they showed pictures of their precious little girl. Their family experienced a miracle. Their daughter lived for 97 amazing days. She physically looked perfect. Jealousy crept back into my heart. I so long for that for our Mary. I cried. My sister cried, Sam cried, and his parents cried. Then something beautiful happened and that was the message. It was so refreshing to have verses provided for us to be a source of encouragement and strength. I left the service with again a happy and thankful heart. I rejoice with this family for the time they had with their daughter. It is my personal goal to not become bitter and jealous of other friends and even strangers who have happy healthy pregnancies and babies. I have faith that God chose Sam and I to be Mary's mommy and daddy. He must think we are ready and capable, so we continue to fight and pray for her. It was no coincidence that we all ended up at church together today. The message was no coincidence. It was just another way for God to show us tangibly that He is with us and loves us.
After church we all went to lunch where we were able to laugh and talk about Mary without crying, heck we even laughed. It is such a beautiful day weather wise and we all had happy, thankful hearts to match it. My heart still aches so badly. I pray that someday soon I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare I am living. For now, we continue to have hope and enjoy life. This week we will likely receive a "formal" diagnosis. I pray I am strong enough to accept this. This week we meet with Ryan House. I am also going back to work this week. Please pray that I have patience and strength to face my students every day. I have so missed them, but yet they are a living, breathing reminder of what I'm facing. It makes my job so hard. I pray that I can be the best teacher for them, just as I would want Mary's teacher to be for her.
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