Deep Sorrow and Extreme Joy

Christmas is two days away. My heart and head are a mess. There are not adequate words to describe the deep sorrow and extreme joy I am experiencing this Christmas season. From the very first days we found out we were expecting, Sam and I talked about Christmas this year. We were beyond excited to have our own baby with us. All the cousins would be together at Nani's house and it would be magical. Our baby would be so little and precious. The conversations about traveling between Phoenix and Tucson were joy filled as we were just beside ourselves with excitement to share the best day of the year with our child. Then when "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) came, some of our first thoughts were about how different Christmas was actually going to be. Christmas thoughts were some of the first shattered dreams we had. Instead of the extreme joy we were anticipating, we are experiencing a deep emptiness of what should be. 

We are in an odd place. I feel like we are always in an odd place. We have really tried hard as a couple to enjoy the Christmas season. It is our first Christmas married! We mustered all of our strength and we decorated our house. Sam worked so hard to decorate the outside of our house with lots of lights. I decorated the inside. We put up our big tree. We decorated our Mary Christmas tree. We bought Christmas presents and wrapped them all. We have watched numerous Christmas movies. We had attended church every week. To us, this is a big accomplishment. There are many mommies and daddies we have come to know that are not physically capable of doing that this year. That is okay. Each person and couple are different. We thank God for providing His strength and comfort during the hardest season of our lives. We try really hard to remember that Mary is in heaven, experiencing the most beautiful Christmas. Far more beautiful than we can even comprehend. We are experiencing a deep joy this season that wouldn't be possible if we didn't have such a strong faith in Him. We are not always happy, and there have been days, like yesterday, where I can't get myself to do anything. Days like yesterday where I cancel plans I was so looking forward to because the pain is just too much to handle. Even on those super dark days, in my heart, I have joy because this year, more than ever in my life, I appreciate the real meaning of Christmas. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Friday is Christmas. It has come upon us so quickly. I have no way to anticipate how I will react and feel. I wonder will I cry? Will I be angry? Will I have short patience? Will I be quiet? Will I be my normal happy self? I have come to realize there is no way to guess. I will be and act just the way I need to. I am so thankful that we have to courage and strength to continue our traditions this year and not just stay home and hide. I am thankful for Sam, and his strength to lead me through these hard times. I am thankful for our family, who will let us know, even without saying it, that they understand and accept us for where we are now. I am thankful for Mary and the fact she is our perfect first born daughter. I am thankful that God gave her to us and that these days are so hard because we LOVED HER SO MUCH. 

As we begin our Christmas celebrations, I ask that you take a few quiet moments in the days to come, and just reflect on how blessed you are. Tell your family how much you love them. Laugh hard. Live in the moment. Soak up each day for what it is. Christmas is such a special time, and yet for so many, it is so hard. There is always something to be thankful for, and I encourage you to search deep and focus on that if the next days are tough. 

Below are two songs. I think they perfectly describe the way I am feeling right now. Extremely different from one another, but thats my life right now. The first is by Plumb and the second is by Josh Groban. 

Merry Christmas! 

A Different Kind Of Christmas

I survived the three month anniversary. I survived Thanksgiving. I have also come to realize a pattern to my grieving. The anxiety leading up to the "day" or big events is so much worse than the actual day. For a good week before a big day where we will be really missing Mary, I am a mess. I am super grumpy, get mad over stupid things, cry so much, and am just not a pleasant person inside our house. Then something crazy happens, the big "day" comes and I'm in a great mood and counting my blessings. I have no idea why this is my pattern for grieving. I guess it's just me. I am learning to identify when this is happening and trying to work through it with Sam. We talk things through and I usually feel better. I hope that I continue to have this strength as we approach my birthday and especially Christmas. 

Each time we walk through Target and see all the adorable "baby's first Christmas"outfits, my heart shatters. It is probably the most brutal reminder that our arms are Maryless. I stop and hold the outfits. I don't know why I do this to myself. Sam always tries to keep me walking, but I'm just drawn to them. It is Mary's first Christmas, it's just that she's spending it in heaven. As her mommy, I miss her being in my arms, creating memories with her, starting new traditions. Then I remember she is in heaven and is perfect. She gets to celebrate Christmas with the One we honor on Christmas day. How incredible it must be in heaven at Christmas time! 

Lately I have been struggling with a nagging guilty feeling. I see many, many mommies who have lost their babies and children who are writing and sharing that she can't get into the Christmas spirit at all. They share that their grief and pain is so deep that they aren't able to decorate, shop, ect. I know each and every person is different and grieves in their own way, but it has made me feel guilty at time. Sam and I spent all last weekend decorating our house for Christmas. Our front yard is beautiful! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated it. There were definitely hard times in the process, but we enjoyed it. We have been Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music. I wonder if I'm being a bad mommy by not being more depressed. As I write it out, it sounds silly. My heart is completely broken. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back with me. With that being said, I also know that Mary wouldn't want me to be miserable. I thank God so much for her. I wake up each morning and do my bible study. I write down things each morning I am thankful for. It really helps me. While I am very, very, very anxious about the pain I will feel Christmas without Mary, I am enjoying the Christmas season as much as I can. I cry almost every day on my way to school as I think about Mary and listen to music. Then I get to work and muster the strength to get out and end up having really good days. I can say that because what we have been through in the last year, we have a much richer appreciation for the true meaning of Christmas. The world is so much more beautiful in my eyes since I had Mary. I appreciate and savor the small things. 

We are starting a new family tradition in our house this year. We are going to get a real, small Christmas tree that we will place in our family room where we spend most of our time. We have our big, beautiful tree as well. We are going to call it our "Mary Christmas Tree". This year we are putting all our ornaments we received for our wedding. We are also putting all the special ornaments we got for Mary on them. Each year we will add one new special ornament for our Mary Margaret. When we have more children, we will get each of them a special ornament as well. It will be our special way of incorporating Mary into Christmas each and every year. 

The last thing I want to share is a picture that was posted in a group on Facebook I belong to. It was really powerful to me for a few reasons. 

I have many friends who have also lost a child. It's an exclusive club that NO ONE should ever be part of. I think hands-down, this is the best gift you could give any of us at any time. Whether it's our first Christmas, like this year, or in fifteen years. We don't bring up our children a lot because we don't want people to be or feel awkward. The reality is, we are thinking of our little ones and would LOVE to talk about them. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or sad,  I just want to keep her memory alive. I don't want sympathy. I just want to talk about Mary. I just want to remember that our family is one person less that it "should" be. I just want to talk about how our little family is different because we have a child in heaven. Sam and I are so blessed to have had a beautiful daughter who made an impact on this world. We want to celebrate her memory this season as we can't hold her in our arms and shower her with gifts. 

All The Strength From Within

Tomorrow will be three months since we met our precious baby girl. I cannot believe how fast AND how slow time is going. It is nearly impossible for me to try to describe time right now. Three months. That is crazy. I think about what life would be like with a three month old. I bet she would be starting to show her own unique personality. She'd be smiling and laughing. Oh, how I could get so lost in this thought. Then, every night when we go to bed, we walk past her empty crib and nursery. Instead of seeing a nursery filled with the mess of a newborn and the smell of diapers, we see all her memorials, filling her crib where she should be sleeping every night. We get into bed and hug our Mary bear. Our arms should be filled with our living, healthy baby, instead we cling to a bear to try to satisfy our arms and "trick" our minds. 

Three months ago tonight, Sam and I were settling into our nightly routine of sleeping in the hospital. It would have been our third night there. I remember being very frustrated and confused. I felt so, so horrible. I was swelling so much, my head was killing me, but yet I had my precious baby alive inside of me. I remember being so nauseous and sick and wanting relief but yet never wanting it all to come to an end. I remember how confused we were. We had had many, many talks with God and we really felt that my health was in jeopardy (which it really was), but yet we just talked with doctor after doctor about what was to come. I remember crying and not wanting this to all be over and yet desperately wanting to meet our Mary. Three months ago tonight, at midnight, the head perinatal doctor came in and told us we would be having Mary the next day.

Three months ago tomorrow was the best and worst day of my life. Tomorrow will be hard. For some reason the 13th of each month just tortures me. It has some sick control over my mind and emotions. No matter how hard I pray, the days leading up to "Mary's Day" as we call it, are never fun. I'm so emotional. I get so mad. So sad. So confused. So tired. So many emotions... all usually over nothing. As I'm writing this, I'm talking with another mom, and dear friend, who lost her baby girl not long after Mary. We know that this will never get easier, we will just learn how to live with it. We wonder, especially tonight, when THAT begins to happen? There are still times, too often, that I physically hurt while missing Mary. Then there are days that I am so happy and realize how extremely blessed I am to be Mary's mommy. I thank God for giving her to me for 32 weeks inside and 106 minutes in our arms. Tonight, in preparation for tomorrow, I will share how thankful I am for my husband and my daughter in our 106 perfect minutes as a family. I can relive so many things again and again, but tonight I will remember the strength we had that day. Sam and I loved Mary and thought she was perfect. We kissed her, hugged her, tried to keep her warm. We sang to her and we prayed over her. Then, somehow...with the strength that only God can give us, we realized she was struggling. This wasn't new. We'd known this would happen for a while, but now we were actually watching it. Watching your child, literally dying in front of your eyes, is the single hardest thing any mother and father can ever experience. God gave us strength though. Sam and I prayed so hard over Mary. We prayed that God would take her home anytime he was ready. We knew He had answered our prayers. We knew that Mary was going to go home. We prayed that she would be courageous as she took her last, little tiny breaths. Praying your child passes in peace is not easy. Let me assure you of this. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But... Sam and I did it together. We held each other, and our daughter, and knew God was holding us. As I sit and reflect on this, I pray for that same strength tomorrow, and every hard day to come. I know that Sam will always be there, and together we will get through all the hard days. I know God is always there, and is carrying us when we can't do it ourselves. I praise God for the strength He gives me on days when I don't think it's possible. 

Tomorrow will come whether I am ready for it or not. Then four months, five months, six months, a year, two years, ect. will all come. I will try to muster all the strength from within to make the days happy and joyous and celebrate the life God has blessed me with. Mary's memory will never die, she continues to make an impact on this world, and we are so proud to be her mommy and daddy. 

I know I might be biased, but have you ever seen such a perfect "imperfect" baby? Her little body, of 69 chromosomes, looks just like a precious baby. 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go

Inside my head is not a very pleasant place to be lately. I am a whirlwind of emotions. I keep thinking the further out we get, the less painful missing Mary will be. That just isn't the reality. Really hard days just hit out of no where and they are not fun. Some days I am okay. Some days I am not. 

We got a lot of good new this week. I was FINALLY released from the OBGYN. After 26 weeks of being seen once or twice a week, I am done. My preeclampsia is gone for the most part (my blood pressure goes up a little when I'm upset, but eh whatever). My incision looks beautiful. I have lots 2/3 of my pregnancy weight. My OB is very, very impressed with the way my heath has dramatically turned around. I still struggle with the PPD some, but it's also part of the grieving process. It hasn't even been three months since we lost Mary. My doctor finally released me back to work! This was a great news. It was bittersweet though. Our doctor and nurses know Mary better than many other people. They are definitely part of our "family" now. It's crazy to look at my calendar and not see an OB appointment. The next OB appointment I will have will be to confirm pregnancy. That is a crazy, crazy thought!

We also got good news from the pulmonologist. My pneumonia is also gone. My lungs are functioning pretty well too. I still struggle to breathe when exercising or when I am upset, but that will just continue to get better. I have a small nodule in my lung that he will x-ray/follow for the next two years. It's probably nothing, but he just wants to make sure! It is very nice to feel better. 

The last appointment of the week was with my primary care doctor. He did my annual physical and all the fancy blood work and tests. I was a little worried for him to do all the in-depth blood work because I know that I am not in the best shape of my life. Overall, it was very good! He was also surprised and impressed with my overall health and turn around. I have a few small things that are slightly elevated, but for what my body has gone through over the last 10 months, it is all very normal. He was encouraged by the motivation I have to lose my pregnancy weight (and then some)! 

All of these appointments were silver linings to us. After months and months are bad news after bad news, it was very reassuring to get good news. I am so thankful for all the prayers and support through this journey. I praise God and thank Him for blessing my body with strength to recover and ultimately prepare for another pregnancy in the future. 

I try to remember all the happy feeling this week to give me motivation and strength to face tomorrow, this week, and weeks to come. Tomorrow I go back to work. While I am excited, I am a complete and total mess about it. When I think about it, all I can think is that I'm closing the chapter of life with Mary in it. The last time I was a working teacher, I had Mary with me everyday. I can't imagine how my heart will ever get through the day tomorrow and this week. 

I have visited my class a few times this week. I have sure missed my students so much. They made me feel so special. The first time I went in they didn't know what to think or how to act. They just sort of looked at me. The second time was much better. They were excited to see me and actually talked to me. It's a big change for all of us. I know my week with my students will be great. I just worry about the rest of it. I get SO tired from standing and being active for more than like two hours at a time. Teaching special education is very active for eight plus hours! I worry about getting too tired and worn out. I also worry about my heart. I have a bleeding heart right now (or maybe always). I worry that my heart isn't ready to go back to work and deal with the reality that my students have to face daily. I worry that something will upset me and I'll fall apart. I worry about spending eight plus hours a day people. I have spent the majority of my days alone for the last ten weeks. My hormones are still leveling back out. Between hormones and grief, I'm worried about getting through the day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. To be honest, I am not ready to go back. I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom/wife but that isn't a possibility right now. I am not ready to "move-on" without my Mary. 

With all this said, I continue to have faith. I have no doubt that God will carry me through much of this week. I trust that this is what I'm supposed to be doing now. I know that Mary would want me to be happy and healthy and to continue living with a positive attitude. I have faith in His timing. He has gotten us this far, He isn't going to leave us now. I say "us" because, even though I am the one emotional about going back to work, it directly effects us a family. Sam has to deal with cranky, cranky Jolee. He has to wipe my tears, answer all my texts, hold my hand as I enter the "real" work again. It isn't easy for him either, just different. I thank God for the return of my health. I thank God for providing me with a job, and I trust He already has the future planned for us. I'm sure this week will be better than I am expecting. I just have to take one step at a time. 

Below is a song I may have posted before. It is a song a friend shared with me when we first found out about Mary. I have literally listened to it every day since then. It is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I will listen to it 10000x tomorrow if I need to. It gives me so much hope and I will get through this week! 

Two Months Too Soon

It has been a while since I last wrote. Let me tell you, this grief journey is no joke. I wish there was a direction book included. The problem is, it looks different for each person. I've been told that, but honestly I see it, just in our small family of two. Sam and I grieve differently and that is okay. Its hard though, for both of us. Sometimes you never except things to trigger you when they do. The beautiful thing is that Sam and I love each other through our hard days. And somehow, we find joy in all situations, even the really hard days. 

This past week has been pretty brutal. Saturday, October 11th was Mary's due date. The day was hard. It was hard because it was just another reminder that we are once again entering a new phase of life. Her due date signals the beginning of the holiday's for us. We had dreams and plans of dressing her up as an adorable little pumpkin for Halloween. Halloween of course leads itself to Thanksgiving, which leads to my birthday, and finally Christmas. We had dreams and plans for ALL of these. Don't all new parents? Now our dreams are shattered and we are having to re-dream and re-plan. We miss Mary so so much when we think about the holiday's. It will be a difficult season to say the least. Today is the 14th of October which means she should be at least 3 days old. I can get myself totally lost in thinking about all the "what would she be doing" thoughts. Before the 11th, for some reason, I was able to stop myself easier. Instead, Sam and I try to focus on how blessed our life has been since she graced us with her presence. We have learned to love and appreciate each other even more. We have learned to thank God in ALL situations. We have learned to appreciate the small things, even as simple as watching a bee pollinate a flower. 

Yesterday was two months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby. It has gone so so fast, and yet so terribly slow. There is no way I can describe it any better. Yesterday was especially hard. I guess that's normal. I cried most of the morning. About nothing in particular except for the fact that my arms were just so empty. So longing to hold and love Mary. I was finally able to pull myself together and I went to visit my school. The kids didn't start back until today so I knew there would only be teachers at school. If everything continues improving like it has been, I'll be back at work in week and a half. I have so many emotions about starting back to work. I decided it would be easiest on my heart if I went and said hello to some people before my first day back. On my way to my school I cried yet again, because I realized most other teachers also do this before they return from maternity leave. The difference, most show off their baby. I had no baby to show. Only awkward and uncomfortable hellos. I didn't make it around nearly as much as I wanted because I spent the majority of my two hours with my paras and my team. It was just what my heart needed. I am dreading returning to school and having kids ask questions. I'm dreading returning to "normal" without Mary constantly with me this time. BUT... I know I will be okay because I am loved by colleagues and they will help me adjust. I left my school in a better mood, but missing Mary even more. All I could think about was how different I had prayed this all would turn out. I got home and took a nap. It took everything out of me to go to my school. I have no idea how I will ever be ready emotionally to return. All I can do is trust God; He's got me through this far, He isn't going anywhere now. Sam and I spent the evening together. We went out to dinner to celebrate our precious daughter. The 13th of each month will never be the same. I know eventually I'll get to the point where that number would physically hurt me like it does now, but that seems so, so, so far away. I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. It never ceases to amaze me at how much emotions physically present themselves in my body. I am thankful I am learning to acknowledge them, work through them, and not panic. 

Tomorrow night at 7pm is International Wave of Light. I welcome any and all of you to light a candle at 7pm in whatever time zone you are in. It signifies and brings awareness to infant loss. Light a candle for Mary, light a candle for a loved one of your own, but let's tell the world just how much Mary has touched us. Light is so symbolic to me. God has been my light through all of this, somehow He has shown my how to sail through this chapter of my life. Tomorrow, light will shine in memory our precious and perfect Mary. Sam and I will be attending a celebration at the hospital where we delivered in honor of all the babies who have passed this year. We are one of the most recent couples to join this horrible journey. I can't say I'm looking forward to it because I just don't know what to expect. I am looking forward to be surrounded by mommies and daddies who truly understand though. 

The song "Held" by Natalie Grant has been special to us since we lost Mary. It was part of her slideshow. Just a few weeks ago through, it took on a whole new meaning to me. Below are the words to this special song. 

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
[Repeat Chorus]

A few weeks ago when I was listening to the song, the words "That the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held" really hit me. I have always listened to this song as a reminder that God is holding us right now as we are missing Mary. He promises that he will always "hold" us and get us through. Well those words made me realize that yet again, God truly kept his promise in a very tangible way for Mary. When everything in Mary's life was falling and failing, all her organs and life itself, we, mommy and daddy, held her as an extension of God's unconditional love. We held her until she entered His kingdom and His arms. This song is a promise for all of us. Today and forever I trust that I will be held and loved, even in the midst of an extremely dark time in our life. 

Delivery Day: Do I Regret Any Of This?

Time is very weird right now. It is passing so, so slowly, yet so quickly. It's been six weeks since we had our Mary. Everything about this journey is just so difficult. I don't think a single part of it has been easy or gone according to plan. Insurance and bills are complicated. Some bills they get my insurance information correct, then the next it's completely wrong. Some days I think I'm finally feeling better, than nights like last night hit and I feel physically like I just delivered Mary. I was supposed to be released back to work, but yesterday the doctor wouldn't. She says I need more time as my body is still struggling. Then there are my emotions. Some days I think I'm okay. Then something silly will send me spiraling. Life is passing and the rest of the world is coming to terms that Mary is gone and everyone is returning to normal lives. I completely understand that. I am thankful for that. At the same time, my world is not at all back to normal. I am struggling to return to "normal". Actually, life will never be the same. It's frustrating for me, and therefore Sam, to keep hitting one road block then another. Earlier this week, I was asked if "I regretted carrying Mary, and not aborting, because you aren't working or making any money, paying huge bills, and not getting healthy." I know the intention was good, they are sad and frustrated for me because I'm struggling. I paused and then immediately responded with "absolutely not!" All of those things are true. Bills are expensive, not working means no money, my body is sick and struggling, everything is a struggle BUT Mary is the best thing to happen to me. I would do it again and again if I could spend another hour and forty six minutes with Mary. Trusting God while carrying Mary was hard because I couldn't come to terms with her fatal diagnosis. I didn't want to trust him because I wanted immediate assurance that everything would be okay. Trusting God while swimming in debt, failing health, a grieving broken hearted, and trying to learn to live with a daughter in heaven is equally as hard. I have always like control. I hate where we are right now. I hate not knowing how we will get through each month. With all this being said, I still trust God completely. It is a challenge to work through this, but I know Sam and I have a deep love and devotion for one another, and our faith in our God is even deeper. We have been tested and tested, and still are being tested but I stand in awe at how many great things have come from this experience. We will continue to trust that God will again bring us through our new challenges. 

Below are pictures I have been wanting to share for a while now. They are more pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are so special to us. They aren't as cute as the previous pictures of us cuddling and loving Mary, but these pictures mean way more to us. They tell a story through pictures that we will never forget. They show the miracle of her birth, the love of our whole family, and her baptism and dedication to God. These pictures tell a story that has changed our lives forever. They are in no particular order. Maybe I should have put them in order, but I think it's symbolic of our journey. Nothing has gone in order, but it is all beautiful and praise-worthy.

Here, Jacob is baptizing Mary. This is one of my favorite pictures. This is one of the only "normal" things were were able to do for our daughter. She was baptized on my chest. Sam and I are so thankful to Jacob baptizing her in the middle of chaos and uncertainty. 

This is another one of my favorite and most special pictures. They allowed Sam to cut Mary's umbilical chord. All the doctors around her, trying to help her, but they honored and included Sam as daddy. 

This is Dr. Z handing Sam Mary for the first time. Because she was alive, Dr. Z covered her spine on the outside of her body from the Spina Bifida to make sure she wasn't in any pain. Even through Sam said he was scared to death, he looks like a natural to me!

Sam had just taken off his shirt as I was getting ready to hand Mary to him. He continued Kangaroo Care for her when I was no longer able to. 

There are no words to describe how much this picture means to me! This was our whole family, both sides, surrounding Mary, and us, in love and prayer. She was the most loved baby. Everyone was there and held her after she passed. She has the best family ever! The hospital was amazing for allowing this. 

Family starting to come up quietly and look and meet Mary while she was with us. 

Love. 

More friends and family meeting Mary. There were even some smiles. She was and is our miracle!

This picture is while they were struggling to get Mary out. C-sections are scary, especially when you know your baby is stuck. Sam held my hand wiped my tears until the minute Mary was born. He never left our sides. 

The room is nearly silent here, at least that's how I remember it. Mary was born but there was no cry. I had no idea if she was alive or not. Jacob is holding my hand here. I clearly remember her words as they will forever be a gift.. "She's alive. Praise God, she's alive! Sam will bring her to you very soon." 

A few of the happiest moments of my life. Things change so quickly, but I was so thankful for the happy moments. 

Joy and greif collide. 

Support and love for Sam as he was giving his girls everything he had. 

Sam never left my side. He did everything he could for us. 

Family still meeting the newest member of the family. 

Sissy, my big sister, was at every single ultrasound with us through our journey. She and Mary have a special relationship. I remember her words so clearly as well here, "She's precious, it's like I already know you Mary."

This picture breaks my heart. The heartache is so evident. 

This is my wonder team right here... My sisters and Sam! Loving Mary, talking care of sick me, and ever present through the entire journey. 

Immediately following the surgery, you usually have to spend 1-1.5 hours in recovery before seeing family. Chandler Regional made an except for us and allowed us to go back to L&D so our family could be present. All the doctors and nurses moved from the OR to our room where they continued to care for both of us. Sam never let go of us. Moments before Mary met the rest of her family. 

The GOOD, The Bad, And The UGLY

Sunday was the one month anniversary of us saying hello and goodbye to our precious Mary Margaret. The good news, we survived! The bad news, the day was really, really difficult. I have been writing and rewriting this post for several days now. This is the first time I have done that. I usually just pour my heart out, don't even edit and hit 'publish'. For some reason, this one has been particularly difficult. 

The UGLY all really started Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning and all I could think about was that tomorrow would be a month since I lost my pride and joy. I got up though, and we had a pretty good day. I felt like I was carrying around this "heaviness" though... it was weird. Saturday night was Asher's first birthday. Asher is the son of our best friends Jacob and Amanda. Jacob and Amanda have been by our side through the whole journey with Mary. Jacob even baptized Mary in the OR once she was born. They have been a support for us emotionally and spiritually. Saturday was Asher's birthday party as it was his actual birthday. I debated on whether or not I should go to the party. I love Asher. He is a "safe" baby as I call it. He was born and in our life before we conceived Mary. I can be around him just fine and actually enjoy it. I love the way he stares into my soul, it makes me laugh. I wanted to be there to show my love and appreciation for Jacob and Amanda and my love for Asher, but I was less than excited about being around lots of other babies and toddlers and moms and dads. I just don't where we are supposed to fit in in situations like that. When Sam goes with the guys, they often don't talk about babies. Women are wired differently and I am no exception. We will talk babies, and poop, and not sleeping all the time. My heart longs for conversations like that, but I can't really participate. I hate to bring Mary up, not because I'm embarrassed of her, but because I hate to make people uncomfortable. The truth is, a lot of people don't know how to act around me. I just desire to be "normal". I wish I could bring Mary up and not have people pity more or feel uncomfortable. The reality is though, many, many people do. So I don't talk about her. But then I feel guilty for not talking about her because she is my baby. This is why I avoid social situations with lots of kids unless they are in my "safe" group. I decided to go though because Sam wanted me too and I wanted to support him with his friends. He does a lot for me!! The least I could do was put on make up and go to a party with him. Once we got there though, I was almost instantly uncomfortable. As much as I tried not to be. I felt so bad being there. I fought back tears the whole time. I didn't know who to talk to or where to go. All I knew was that I did not want to take away from Jacob, Amanda and Asher's special day. I wished I hadn't gone for that reason. After a few hours of being there, I couldn't do it anymore. When everyone sang Happy Birthday to Asher, Sam and I walked inside. I love Asher, but all I could think about was that we would never been singing Happy Birthday to Mary. She will never have a big party or eat a piece of cake. It was almost to much to think about. That heaviness I had when I woke up Saturday morning was way more intense. I finally lost it. Sam was with the guys, having a good time. That made my heart so happy to see him smiling and having fun. I couldn't pull him away from that. I decided to call my best friend Jessica. She's far away, but I knew she wouldn't judge me. She couldn't understand me as I cried, but she understood the best she could. Sam eventually realized I wasn't around and came and found me. He held me, once again, as I cried and cried. It was ugly. We were in the backyard. I felt so bad for losing it on such a special day. We realized it was time to go, even if that meant skipping dinner. I gathered myself together as we had to walk through the house say goodbye to everyone. When I cry, it's obvious, so everyone inside knew. Then something amazing happened. They loved me regardless of falling apart. We said our goodbyes and left. I sobbed the whole way home. The anxiety of Sunday being so close was almost too much to bear. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. It was a long night. 

Sunday morning rolled around unfortunately, as it always does, and Sam and I decided to skip church. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself together. We decided to work in our backyard and garden. On Saturday we had decided to turn it into our butterfly garden, for Mary. We spent the whole morning working together and getting all dirty. It was nice. Then, coincidentally, Sunday was also the first Packers game. I wasn't excited, but I kept telling myself that Mary would be happy that her daddy was happy watching the game. Sam's parents and my dad came over. We had lunch and all watched the game. Throughout the day, I was able to pretend to be ok. I am a great pretender. That afternoon Sam had arranged for me to get a massage. It was great, but it wasn't the most relaxing because I couldn't stop replaying the same hours... just a month earlier. I felt better after the massage though. The massage therapist could not believe how tight I was. I told her that was nothing compared to how my heart was feeling. Sunday night, Sam and I went to dinner, just the two of us. It was great. I happened to look down at my watch and realized it was just 3 minutes before the dreaded minute that we lost our Mary. I fell apart inside...but I should have fallen apart to Sam. We went home and unfortunately didn't have a good night. I was so upset and depressed. 

Monday was a horrible day. I will spare the details as I have written them out many times and deleted them. I couldn't get myself to do anything. I was not happy. I was not okay. We had the pulmonologist. I STILL have pneumonia and have two small nodules in my lungs. He is assuming they are from the severe pneumonia. I have one more month of treatment and rest before more xrays and lung function tests. This really, really, really upset me. All I want is to be healthy and I can't get there. I will be starting back to work still not "healthy" and that was my number one goal. Then we had counseling. It was good but hard. I fell apart for the first time in it. Monday night was the tipping point. Like I said, I will spare the details, but our house was not a fun place to be. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't make a single decision about anything. I had no hope for the future. My heart just ached so much to have Mary back. Everything was just so overwhelming. 

Tuesday morning, we decided it was time to get help. This is the hardest thing to admit, but I have been diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression). I feel like it is such a taboo subject. Unless you have ever lived through PPD or depression, it is something you can't describe. I have been struggling for a little bit but it has been okay, until this past weekend. Sam and I kept it private because, well, I'm not sure. It's not easy to admit it. It is something many women struggle with but don't talk about. I felt so, so alone. It was yesterday we finally let our family in on "our secret" and today I share with the world. I have been so open and honest this far, I feel like I want to continue. It is my hope and prayer that by speaking up, I let other moms know it is okay. Just because we are depressed and suffering from postpartum, we are okay. We are good moms. We are human. Just as I have kept my faith and cried out to God through the whole process... I continue to do so. I have no doubt that He will get me through this. He will get Sam through this. Although I am the one who is fighting this battle, Sam is fighting a different one. He so desperately wants to help me and this time there is no set answer on what that looks like. Sometimes its holding me when I cry and scream. Sometimes it's keeping me busy and out of the house. Sometimes it's reminding me I AM a mom. Sometimes it's calling to just check in. God will bring us through this, just as he brought us through saying hello and goodbye to our precious and perfect daughter. We will continue to praise God through this storm as well! 

Rejoice and praise God for our miracle baby, Mary Margaret! 

Just Some Thoughts...

Today is a hard day. It has been four weeks since I said hello and goodbye to Mary. I know that Sunday is actually the "one month anniversary" but today is hard too. The anxiety I have building, in regards to Sunday, is crazy. The emotion of it all is sometimes too much. I hate how when I think about the decent future, everything is centered around Mary's milestones. Most moms look forward to milestones. Not me. I see the milestone of one month, her due date, two months, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas just to name a few. None of these "milestones" am I looking forward to. All of them make me sick to my stomach. All of them I have to talk and plan for. All of them I have to guard my heart and make a "plan" for the day and how I'm going to "get through it". As I sit here tonight, not even sure what to do to fill my time until bedtime, I decided to write. Below are some pictures I have come across in the last four weeks. I think they give a good glimpse into the life of a mommy without a baby. 

I LOVE THIS PICTURE! I have no idea who painted it, but it might be my favorite piece of art. I can just see my own love for Mary in the reflection. Sure, my tummy never got as big, and I never got to hold Mary like this, but she is my baby. When I looked into the mirror when I was carrying her, I had dreams and hopes for our life. Now when I look in the mirror, I see reminders of the beautiful daughter we have in heaven. 

The piece was painted by Anna Rose Bain and is called the "The Wait and the Reward".  

Amen! Love never gives up. When the day is too hard to face, I remind myself I am a wife to an amazing husband and I must press forward. Love never gives up. Mary wants me to continue healing and growing. 

The San Diego beach is a very special place for us. This picture reminds me of Mary. I will always carry her in my heart. I can't wait to go back to the beach, it will be bittersweet. 

This is the truth! I don't really struggle with depression, but I fight anxiety constantly. It is a horrible place to be. I have no shame in admitting I struggle. By admitting I struggle, I am taking care of myself and my family. 

There are no words for this except THIS IS THE TRUTH!

Right now I am experiencing the indescribable journey of survival. I hope and pray that someday soon, I learn to thrive... for Mary! <3  

Loving and Living

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. As we are drawing closer to the first month anniversary of us saying "hello" and "goodbye" to Mary, the days are getting harder. I keep thinking of what life would be like if we had her in our arms. I also think about how big I would be if I was still pregnant. How would I be feeling? Would I be able to feel her kick and move yet? Everywhere we go, everything we do, she comes up in our conversations and we realize we will never have her back. Every night, we cuddle with our Mary bear. I love having Mary bear, but I miss having her. It's all just not fair. The better I feel physically, the more I miss Mary; he more I realize how different our lives now are. We are mommy and daddy, living life without our newborn baby. 

I have been struggling with my body image lately. I know that makes me a "normal" woman and new mommy. The strange thing though, is that I both love and hate my body. I am completely in awe of how strong my body has been. My body carried a baby to 32 weeks that should have never made it past conception. My body endured preeclampsia for 72 hours BEFORE birth, and then even more severe preeclampsia after birth. My body was cut 10 inches open to deliver a baby that it wasn't ready to give up yet. My body continues to carry me through pneumonia.  My body carried 15lbs of water weight for no reason. My body is keeping me going through the toughest time of my life. My body is also beautiful. It tells a story that is so glorifying to God. I have stretch marks the world may never see, but they remind me of my amazing daughter. My breasts were able to produce milk to feed a baby that is no longer here. My body didn't know had gone to heaven, so it tried for over two weeks to give me the means to provide the best care for a baby. My body is a beautiful thing I am so thankful for. My body also makes me cry harder than it should. My body makes me disgusted. All those beautiful things I just named also break my heart. I now have a body that "looks" like I just had a baby. I have lost 20 pounds already, but yet I have 30 more pounds to lose that I gained to carry Mary. I didn't realize that once I delivered, I wouldn't just magically fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I hate to wear maternity clothes because they make me sad, but yet I'm not thin enough to fit into my normal clothes. I look in the mirror and I see a mommy with no baby, and all the weight to prove it. It's an odd place to be. I never expected my body to be a trigger for my grief. When I have negative self thoughts, I try to remind myself how blessed I am by my body. I need to love my body. God has given me a body that has done simply amazing things within the last year!

Yesterday Sam and I went to Sedona and Oak Creek Canyon. It was something that I had so badly wanted to do when we had Mary. Unfortunately, we were never able to. We decided that we would go, just the two of us, and have fun and we knew she'd be with us throughout the day. I was so looking forward to the day. I woke up yesterday in the worst mood. I was grumpy. I had no clothes that fit. I had nothing I looked good in. I didn't want to go because I didn't have Mary. As always, Sam held me as I cried and processed. He loved me and was patient with me. Once I acknowledged the fact that I was upset and missing Mary, my whole perspective changed. We finally got out of the house and had an amazing day. We had so much fun! We sang worship songs at the top of lungs on the way up. We enjoyed the beauty. We played and laughed and loved by the creek. We enjoyed God's amazing earth and we knew Mary was happy that we were having fun. Throughout the day, we both made comments about  Mary, memories we realized we won't be making with her. We then realized we were making memories together and honoring her beautiful life. We laughed, I cried more, and we had fun! The day went nothing like we expected but that was totally okay. We took backroads home due to HORRIBLE traffic, we got stuck in an incredible storm, we had our picnic in the car instead of in the forest, we stopped at outlets and got me a few shirts that make me feel more attractive. We had no agenda and no one to worry about except each other. I had wanted to hike and play more in Oak Creek Canyon, but my body is just not ready. I listened when my body told me it was time to rest. We ate Dairy Queen in Oak Creek Canyon and talked about our amazing daughter. We know she would have loved the canyon just as much as her mommy. We also know that she would have loved to run and play with her daddy as I sat and watched. We trust God and know someday we will have other children to make these memories with. And the best part is we know Mary is watching and loving us. She wouldn't want us to stop our lives in grief. We miss her so much, but we are honoring her by trying to move forward and keeping her memory alive. We saw a few butterflies yesterday in the forest and we were reminded that God will carry us through and Mary is with us.

Where would I be without his man? 

Being in the mountains brings such peace to my heart. 

Having fun!

Trying to love all of me!

Best Dairy Queen! 

Adjusting to "normal"

It's been over a week since we said our last goodbye to our precious Mary. This past week has been difficult. Family went home, Sam went back to work, and life became our new "normal". Nothing seems normal anymore though. Nothing is easy. I am beginning to slowly feel better physically, but it's a slow process. Sleeping is uncomfortable. I have been having nightmares which are horrible. It makes sleeping so undesirable which is exactly what I need. I keep reaching down to touch my tummy just to realize she is no longer there. It is so not fair. I have told Sam many times this week that I am a mom with no purpose. My milk has come in. It is a completely horrible experience. My body is trying so hard to feed my baby. I so wish there was a way I could let my body know that there is no need for milk. I am thankful that I am able to produce milk, but it's daily reminder that Mary is not here. When I go out, I still have to wear maternity clothes. I still have a baby belly and a very big incision. I still look pregnant, and I dread the day anyone in public asks. Our house is quiet. Just like it was before we had her. A house is not supposed to be quiet after you have a baby. Yet another reminder. Silly things make me break down and fall apart. We talk about all the dreams we are now realizing wont come to pass. It. is. hard. Everything about me and in me wants to be a mommy with a living baby. I am a mommy, but the vast majority of the world doesn't know that. That breaks my heart. 

Thankfully, I am a daughter of a very loving God who is helping us through this incredible journey. Each day we find joy. Some days it's easy, some days it's the hardest thing you can imagine. Each day we find something to look forward to in the future. All week I have been upset because I didn't have anything to fill my time with. I don't have a hobby. I searched the web for hours. I talked with friends and family. Finally, yesterday I discovered what I am going to do with my time. I am going to learn to garden. I am excited that I have something to fill my time with while Sam is at work. 

Last Saturday, August 22nd, 2015, we said goodbye to Mary. I am not ready to talk about my feelings and emotions surrounding the day. I will say that we were incredibly touched by the turnout at her service. God has surrounded us with love. There were people at her service I would never have guessed. It was just perfect. As perfect as a service for your baby can be. Until I write out the day, enjoy some pictures of the day. I am also attaching the slideshow Sam and I made of Mary's life. 

Some got stuck in the tree. I think it made it look pretty!

Two of my four favorite kids ever. All four of them keep me going on difficult days.