Deep Sorrow and Extreme Joy

Christmas is two days away. My heart and head are a mess. There are not adequate words to describe the deep sorrow and extreme joy I am experiencing this Christmas season. From the very first days we found out we were expecting, Sam and I talked about Christmas this year. We were beyond excited to have our own baby with us. All the cousins would be together at Nani's house and it would be magical. Our baby would be so little and precious. The conversations about traveling between Phoenix and Tucson were joy filled as we were just beside ourselves with excitement to share the best day of the year with our child. Then when "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) came, some of our first thoughts were about how different Christmas was actually going to be. Christmas thoughts were some of the first shattered dreams we had. Instead of the extreme joy we were anticipating, we are experiencing a deep emptiness of what should be. 

We are in an odd place. I feel like we are always in an odd place. We have really tried hard as a couple to enjoy the Christmas season. It is our first Christmas married! We mustered all of our strength and we decorated our house. Sam worked so hard to decorate the outside of our house with lots of lights. I decorated the inside. We put up our big tree. We decorated our Mary Christmas tree. We bought Christmas presents and wrapped them all. We have watched numerous Christmas movies. We had attended church every week. To us, this is a big accomplishment. There are many mommies and daddies we have come to know that are not physically capable of doing that this year. That is okay. Each person and couple are different. We thank God for providing His strength and comfort during the hardest season of our lives. We try really hard to remember that Mary is in heaven, experiencing the most beautiful Christmas. Far more beautiful than we can even comprehend. We are experiencing a deep joy this season that wouldn't be possible if we didn't have such a strong faith in Him. We are not always happy, and there have been days, like yesterday, where I can't get myself to do anything. Days like yesterday where I cancel plans I was so looking forward to because the pain is just too much to handle. Even on those super dark days, in my heart, I have joy because this year, more than ever in my life, I appreciate the real meaning of Christmas. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Friday is Christmas. It has come upon us so quickly. I have no way to anticipate how I will react and feel. I wonder will I cry? Will I be angry? Will I have short patience? Will I be quiet? Will I be my normal happy self? I have come to realize there is no way to guess. I will be and act just the way I need to. I am so thankful that we have to courage and strength to continue our traditions this year and not just stay home and hide. I am thankful for Sam, and his strength to lead me through these hard times. I am thankful for our family, who will let us know, even without saying it, that they understand and accept us for where we are now. I am thankful for Mary and the fact she is our perfect first born daughter. I am thankful that God gave her to us and that these days are so hard because we LOVED HER SO MUCH. 

As we begin our Christmas celebrations, I ask that you take a few quiet moments in the days to come, and just reflect on how blessed you are. Tell your family how much you love them. Laugh hard. Live in the moment. Soak up each day for what it is. Christmas is such a special time, and yet for so many, it is so hard. There is always something to be thankful for, and I encourage you to search deep and focus on that if the next days are tough. 

Below are two songs. I think they perfectly describe the way I am feeling right now. Extremely different from one another, but thats my life right now. The first is by Plumb and the second is by Josh Groban. 

Merry Christmas!