A Different Kind Of Christmas

I survived the three month anniversary. I survived Thanksgiving. I have also come to realize a pattern to my grieving. The anxiety leading up to the "day" or big events is so much worse than the actual day. For a good week before a big day where we will be really missing Mary, I am a mess. I am super grumpy, get mad over stupid things, cry so much, and am just not a pleasant person inside our house. Then something crazy happens, the big "day" comes and I'm in a great mood and counting my blessings. I have no idea why this is my pattern for grieving. I guess it's just me. I am learning to identify when this is happening and trying to work through it with Sam. We talk things through and I usually feel better. I hope that I continue to have this strength as we approach my birthday and especially Christmas. 

Each time we walk through Target and see all the adorable "baby's first Christmas"outfits, my heart shatters. It is probably the most brutal reminder that our arms are Maryless. I stop and hold the outfits. I don't know why I do this to myself. Sam always tries to keep me walking, but I'm just drawn to them. It is Mary's first Christmas, it's just that she's spending it in heaven. As her mommy, I miss her being in my arms, creating memories with her, starting new traditions. Then I remember she is in heaven and is perfect. She gets to celebrate Christmas with the One we honor on Christmas day. How incredible it must be in heaven at Christmas time! 

Lately I have been struggling with a nagging guilty feeling. I see many, many mommies who have lost their babies and children who are writing and sharing that she can't get into the Christmas spirit at all. They share that their grief and pain is so deep that they aren't able to decorate, shop, ect. I know each and every person is different and grieves in their own way, but it has made me feel guilty at time. Sam and I spent all last weekend decorating our house for Christmas. Our front yard is beautiful! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated it. There were definitely hard times in the process, but we enjoyed it. We have been Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music. I wonder if I'm being a bad mommy by not being more depressed. As I write it out, it sounds silly. My heart is completely broken. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back with me. With that being said, I also know that Mary wouldn't want me to be miserable. I thank God so much for her. I wake up each morning and do my bible study. I write down things each morning I am thankful for. It really helps me. While I am very, very, very anxious about the pain I will feel Christmas without Mary, I am enjoying the Christmas season as much as I can. I cry almost every day on my way to school as I think about Mary and listen to music. Then I get to work and muster the strength to get out and end up having really good days. I can say that because what we have been through in the last year, we have a much richer appreciation for the true meaning of Christmas. The world is so much more beautiful in my eyes since I had Mary. I appreciate and savor the small things. 

We are starting a new family tradition in our house this year. We are going to get a real, small Christmas tree that we will place in our family room where we spend most of our time. We have our big, beautiful tree as well. We are going to call it our "Mary Christmas Tree". This year we are putting all our ornaments we received for our wedding. We are also putting all the special ornaments we got for Mary on them. Each year we will add one new special ornament for our Mary Margaret. When we have more children, we will get each of them a special ornament as well. It will be our special way of incorporating Mary into Christmas each and every year. 

The last thing I want to share is a picture that was posted in a group on Facebook I belong to. It was really powerful to me for a few reasons. 

I have many friends who have also lost a child. It's an exclusive club that NO ONE should ever be part of. I think hands-down, this is the best gift you could give any of us at any time. Whether it's our first Christmas, like this year, or in fifteen years. We don't bring up our children a lot because we don't want people to be or feel awkward. The reality is, we are thinking of our little ones and would LOVE to talk about them. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or sad,  I just want to keep her memory alive. I don't want sympathy. I just want to talk about Mary. I just want to remember that our family is one person less that it "should" be. I just want to talk about how our little family is different because we have a child in heaven. Sam and I are so blessed to have had a beautiful daughter who made an impact on this world. We want to celebrate her memory this season as we can't hold her in our arms and shower her with gifts.