Adjusting to "normal"

It's been over a week since we said our last goodbye to our precious Mary. This past week has been difficult. Family went home, Sam went back to work, and life became our new "normal". Nothing seems normal anymore though. Nothing is easy. I am beginning to slowly feel better physically, but it's a slow process. Sleeping is uncomfortable. I have been having nightmares which are horrible. It makes sleeping so undesirable which is exactly what I need. I keep reaching down to touch my tummy just to realize she is no longer there. It is so not fair. I have told Sam many times this week that I am a mom with no purpose. My milk has come in. It is a completely horrible experience. My body is trying so hard to feed my baby. I so wish there was a way I could let my body know that there is no need for milk. I am thankful that I am able to produce milk, but it's daily reminder that Mary is not here. When I go out, I still have to wear maternity clothes. I still have a baby belly and a very big incision. I still look pregnant, and I dread the day anyone in public asks. Our house is quiet. Just like it was before we had her. A house is not supposed to be quiet after you have a baby. Yet another reminder. Silly things make me break down and fall apart. We talk about all the dreams we are now realizing wont come to pass. It. is. hard. Everything about me and in me wants to be a mommy with a living baby. I am a mommy, but the vast majority of the world doesn't know that. That breaks my heart. 

Thankfully, I am a daughter of a very loving God who is helping us through this incredible journey. Each day we find joy. Some days it's easy, some days it's the hardest thing you can imagine. Each day we find something to look forward to in the future. All week I have been upset because I didn't have anything to fill my time with. I don't have a hobby. I searched the web for hours. I talked with friends and family. Finally, yesterday I discovered what I am going to do with my time. I am going to learn to garden. I am excited that I have something to fill my time with while Sam is at work. 

Last Saturday, August 22nd, 2015, we said goodbye to Mary. I am not ready to talk about my feelings and emotions surrounding the day. I will say that we were incredibly touched by the turnout at her service. God has surrounded us with love. There were people at her service I would never have guessed. It was just perfect. As perfect as a service for your baby can be. Until I write out the day, enjoy some pictures of the day. I am also attaching the slideshow Sam and I made of Mary's life. 

Some got stuck in the tree. I think it made it look pretty!

Two of my four favorite kids ever. All four of them keep me going on difficult days.