Unconditionally Loved: Baby Mary Margaret's Journey With Triploidy: Loving and Living

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. As we are drawing closer to the first month anniversary of us saying "hello" and "goodbye" to Mary, the days are getting harder. I keep thinking of what life would be like if we had her in our arms. I also think about how big I would be if I was still pregnant. How would I be feeling? Would I be able to feel her kick and move yet? Everywhere we go, everything we do, she comes up in our conversations and we realize we will never have her back. Every night, we cuddle with our Mary bear. I love having Mary bear, but I miss having her. It's all just not fair. The better I feel physically, the more I miss Mary; he more I realize how different our lives now are. We are mommy and daddy, living life without our newborn baby.

I have been struggling with my body image lately. I know that makes me a "normal" woman and new mommy. The strange thing though, is that I both love and hate my body. I am completely in awe of how strong my body has been. My body carried a baby to 32 weeks that should have never made it past conception. My body endured preeclampsia for 72 hours BEFORE birth, and then even more severe preeclampsia after birth. My body was cut 10 inches open to deliver a baby that it wasn't ready to give up yet. My body continues to carry me through pneumonia. My body carried 15lbs of water weight for no reason. My body is keeping me going through the toughest time of my life. My body is also beautiful. It tells a story that is so glorifying to God. I have stretch marks the world may never see, but they remind me of my amazing daughter. My breasts were able to produce milk to feed a baby that is no longer here. My body didn't know had gone to heaven, so it tried for over two weeks to give me the means to provide the best care for a baby. My body is a beautiful thing I am so thankful for. My body also makes me cry harder than it should. My body makes me disgusted. All those beautiful things I just named also break my heart. I now have a body that "looks" like I just had a baby. I have lost 20 pounds already, but yet I have 30 more pounds to lose that I gained to carry Mary. I didn't realize that once I delivered, I wouldn't just magically fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I hate to wear maternity clothes because they make me sad, but yet I'm not thin enough to fit into my normal clothes. I look in the mirror and I see a mommy with no baby, and all the weight to prove it. It's an odd place to be. I never expected my body to be a trigger for my grief. When I have negative self thoughts, I try to remind myself how blessed I am by my body. I need to love my body. God has given me a body that has done simply amazing things within the last year!

Yesterday Sam and I went to Sedona and Oak Creek Canyon. It was something that I had so badly wanted to do when we had Mary. Unfortunately, we were never able to. We decided that we would go, just the two of us, and have fun and we knew she'd be with us throughout the day. I was so looking forward to the day. I woke up yesterday in the worst mood. I was grumpy. I had no clothes that fit. I had nothing I looked good in. I didn't want to go because I didn't have Mary. As always, Sam held me as I cried and processed. He loved me and was patient with me. Once I acknowledged the fact that I was upset and missing Mary, my whole perspective changed. We finally got out of the house and had an amazing day. We had so much fun! We sang worship songs at the top of lungs on the way up. We enjoyed the beauty. We played and laughed and loved by the creek. We enjoyed God's amazing earth and we knew Mary was happy that we were having fun. Throughout the day, we both made comments about Mary, memories we realized we won't be making with her. We then realized we were making memories together and honoring her beautiful life. We laughed, I cried more, and we had fun! The day went nothing like we expected but that was totally okay. We took backroads home due to HORRIBLE traffic, we got stuck in an incredible storm, we had our picnic in the car instead of in the forest, we stopped at outlets and got me a few shirts that make me feel more attractive. We had no agenda and no one to worry about except each other. I had wanted to hike and play more in Oak Creek Canyon, but my body is just not ready. I listened when my body told me it was time to rest. We ate Dairy Queen in Oak Creek Canyon and talked about our amazing daughter. We know she would have loved the canyon just as much as her mommy. We also know that she would have loved to run and play with her daddy as I sat and watched. We trust God and know someday we will have other children to make these memories with. And the best part is we know Mary is watching and loving us. She wouldn't want us to stop our lives in grief. We miss her so much, but we are honoring her by trying to move forward and keeping her memory alive. We saw a few butterflies yesterday in the forest and we were reminded that God will carry us through and Mary is with us.