Delivery Day: Do I Regret Any Of This?

Time is very weird right now. It is passing so, so slowly, yet so quickly. It's been six weeks since we had our Mary. Everything about this journey is just so difficult. I don't think a single part of it has been easy or gone according to plan. Insurance and bills are complicated. Some bills they get my insurance information correct, then the next it's completely wrong. Some days I think I'm finally feeling better, than nights like last night hit and I feel physically like I just delivered Mary. I was supposed to be released back to work, but yesterday the doctor wouldn't. She says I need more time as my body is still struggling. Then there are my emotions. Some days I think I'm okay. Then something silly will send me spiraling. Life is passing and the rest of the world is coming to terms that Mary is gone and everyone is returning to normal lives. I completely understand that. I am thankful for that. At the same time, my world is not at all back to normal. I am struggling to return to "normal". Actually, life will never be the same. It's frustrating for me, and therefore Sam, to keep hitting one road block then another. Earlier this week, I was asked if "I regretted carrying Mary, and not aborting, because you aren't working or making any money, paying huge bills, and not getting healthy." I know the intention was good, they are sad and frustrated for me because I'm struggling. I paused and then immediately responded with "absolutely not!" All of those things are true. Bills are expensive, not working means no money, my body is sick and struggling, everything is a struggle BUT Mary is the best thing to happen to me. I would do it again and again if I could spend another hour and forty six minutes with Mary. Trusting God while carrying Mary was hard because I couldn't come to terms with her fatal diagnosis. I didn't want to trust him because I wanted immediate assurance that everything would be okay. Trusting God while swimming in debt, failing health, a grieving broken hearted, and trying to learn to live with a daughter in heaven is equally as hard. I have always like control. I hate where we are right now. I hate not knowing how we will get through each month. With all this being said, I still trust God completely. It is a challenge to work through this, but I know Sam and I have a deep love and devotion for one another, and our faith in our God is even deeper. We have been tested and tested, and still are being tested but I stand in awe at how many great things have come from this experience. We will continue to trust that God will again bring us through our new challenges. 

Below are pictures I have been wanting to share for a while now. They are more pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are so special to us. They aren't as cute as the previous pictures of us cuddling and loving Mary, but these pictures mean way more to us. They tell a story through pictures that we will never forget. They show the miracle of her birth, the love of our whole family, and her baptism and dedication to God. These pictures tell a story that has changed our lives forever. They are in no particular order. Maybe I should have put them in order, but I think it's symbolic of our journey. Nothing has gone in order, but it is all beautiful and praise-worthy.

Here, Jacob is baptizing Mary. This is one of my favorite pictures. This is one of the only "normal" things were were able to do for our daughter. She was baptized on my chest. Sam and I are so thankful to Jacob baptizing her in the middle of chaos and uncertainty. 

This is another one of my favorite and most special pictures. They allowed Sam to cut Mary's umbilical chord. All the doctors around her, trying to help her, but they honored and included Sam as daddy. 

This is Dr. Z handing Sam Mary for the first time. Because she was alive, Dr. Z covered her spine on the outside of her body from the Spina Bifida to make sure she wasn't in any pain. Even through Sam said he was scared to death, he looks like a natural to me!

Sam had just taken off his shirt as I was getting ready to hand Mary to him. He continued Kangaroo Care for her when I was no longer able to. 

There are no words to describe how much this picture means to me! This was our whole family, both sides, surrounding Mary, and us, in love and prayer. She was the most loved baby. Everyone was there and held her after she passed. She has the best family ever! The hospital was amazing for allowing this. 

Family starting to come up quietly and look and meet Mary while she was with us. 

Love. 

More friends and family meeting Mary. There were even some smiles. She was and is our miracle!

This picture is while they were struggling to get Mary out. C-sections are scary, especially when you know your baby is stuck. Sam held my hand wiped my tears until the minute Mary was born. He never left our sides. 

The room is nearly silent here, at least that's how I remember it. Mary was born but there was no cry. I had no idea if she was alive or not. Jacob is holding my hand here. I clearly remember her words as they will forever be a gift.. "She's alive. Praise God, she's alive! Sam will bring her to you very soon." 

A few of the happiest moments of my life. Things change so quickly, but I was so thankful for the happy moments. 

Joy and greif collide. 

Support and love for Sam as he was giving his girls everything he had. 

Sam never left my side. He did everything he could for us. 

Family still meeting the newest member of the family. 

Sissy, my big sister, was at every single ultrasound with us through our journey. She and Mary have a special relationship. I remember her words so clearly as well here, "She's precious, it's like I already know you Mary."

This picture breaks my heart. The heartache is so evident. 

This is my wonder team right here... My sisters and Sam! Loving Mary, talking care of sick me, and ever present through the entire journey. 

Immediately following the surgery, you usually have to spend 1-1.5 hours in recovery before seeing family. Chandler Regional made an except for us and allowed us to go back to L&D so our family could be present. All the doctors and nurses moved from the OR to our room where they continued to care for both of us. Sam never let go of us. Moments before Mary met the rest of her family.