Just Some Thoughts...

Today is a hard day. It has been four weeks since I said hello and goodbye to Mary. I know that Sunday is actually the "one month anniversary" but today is hard too. The anxiety I have building, in regards to Sunday, is crazy. The emotion of it all is sometimes too much. I hate how when I think about the decent future, everything is centered around Mary's milestones. Most moms look forward to milestones. Not me. I see the milestone of one month, her due date, two months, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas just to name a few. None of these "milestones" am I looking forward to. All of them make me sick to my stomach. All of them I have to talk and plan for. All of them I have to guard my heart and make a "plan" for the day and how I'm going to "get through it". As I sit here tonight, not even sure what to do to fill my time until bedtime, I decided to write. Below are some pictures I have come across in the last four weeks. I think they give a good glimpse into the life of a mommy without a baby. 

I LOVE THIS PICTURE! I have no idea who painted it, but it might be my favorite piece of art. I can just see my own love for Mary in the reflection. Sure, my tummy never got as big, and I never got to hold Mary like this, but she is my baby. When I looked into the mirror when I was carrying her, I had dreams and hopes for our life. Now when I look in the mirror, I see reminders of the beautiful daughter we have in heaven. 

The piece was painted by Anna Rose Bain and is called the "The Wait and the Reward".  

Amen! Love never gives up. When the day is too hard to face, I remind myself I am a wife to an amazing husband and I must press forward. Love never gives up. Mary wants me to continue healing and growing. 

The San Diego beach is a very special place for us. This picture reminds me of Mary. I will always carry her in my heart. I can't wait to go back to the beach, it will be bittersweet. 

This is the truth! I don't really struggle with depression, but I fight anxiety constantly. It is a horrible place to be. I have no shame in admitting I struggle. By admitting I struggle, I am taking care of myself and my family. 

There are no words for this except THIS IS THE TRUTH!

Right now I am experiencing the indescribable journey of survival. I hope and pray that someday soon, I learn to thrive... for Mary! <3