The Diagnosis Is In

I'm sure by now, most people have heard that we have a final and complete diagnosis for our sweet Mary thanks to the amniocentesis. Mary has Triploidy. It is a rare chromosomal abnormality. Mary has 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46. It is reported that 1-3% of all conceptions are triploidy, but 99% of them end in miscarriage before pregnancy is even detected. Of the rare few who make it to a positive pregnancy test, most babies miscarry within the first trimester. With all of these statistics, it really is a miracle that Mary is still living inside of me at 30.5 weeks. Our perinatologist says we will go down in medical books because we have made it this far in pregnancy. Mary is a fighter. 

While I am proud to carry such a little fighter, the diagnosis has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I just don't understand why my baby has to be this statistic. I love that she is still with me, but I hate that she will not survive long-term. She has a less than 1% chance of making it to term alive. The doctors still believe she will pass inside of me. For the last 13 weeks I have held onto hope. I have dreamed dreams of having Mary with us on earth. I know that she would be sick and have many, many difficulties BUT I had hope. I know many people around were more realistic than me, but I am Mary's mommy. I have to believe in her and fight for her when no one else can or does. Sadly, I am coming to term with the fact that God has special plans for Mary in heaven. My prayer is now that I get to hold her alive...even if for just one small, tiny, breath. I want to tell her how much I love her while she is on earth. I want her baptized. I want to see her eyes. There are so many things I still hope for, even though life on earth with mommy and daddy long term isn't one anymore. I am now trying to accept this. I am trying to find peace in this. I am trying to trust God in this. BUT. IT. IS. HARD. 

In three weeks from today is our next ultrasound. We discussed with the doctor today that I may be induced after that ultrasound. I will be close to 35 weeks. Mary's head is growing exponentially and at a very rapid rate. I will be induced when her head can still fit through the birth canal. The doctors won't do a c-section because of the extended recovery time for me, and the risks it can have on future pregnancies. I am having a hard time accepting this. I don't disagree, but I don't agree either. I have come to realize that I never want to be done with this journey. I won't ever be ready for her to come and go back home. For the last 30.5 weeks, our lives have revolved around her. I love feeling her. I love living with her. Whether she passes tonight inside of me, or is born in three weeks from now, I won't be ready. I am relying on God to help me get through these last few days, weeks, whatever it may be. I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own. Of course I have Sam, and my big sister, and all of our family, BUT I don't want to say goodbye. There is nothing easy about this journey. My body is suffering big time, but I would suffer every day the rest of my life to have complete healing for her. I love Mary and am not ready to say goodbye. 

Below is a picture of the DNA of a baby with Triploidy. It is unreal to me. I am so thankful for our miracle. She is perfect...even with her 69 chromosomes.