The Hardest Decision Of Our Life

I have been putting off writing this post. Not because I don't want to share the continuation of our journey, but because I haven't wanted to admit to myself. Within the last week and half a lot has changed. We received the final diagnosis of Triploidy or 69xxx. No one doubted the preliminary report, so the final diagnosis was not surprising or noteworthy. The difference is that my body has started to really struggle. I have had sporadic contractions. The biggest change though is severe edema or swelling. I know that swelling in feet and hands is normal. The problem is, I'm swelling in my hands, feet, legs, arms, chest, back, stomach, everywhere. The swelling never goes away and continues to get worse every day. If you have ever had severe swelling you know how uncomfortable it is. It makes every step painful. My blood pressure is also high. Thankfully I don't have preeclampsia, but the doctors say I am very close. Last week at our weekly appointment the doctors really suggested that we induce soon. They are very concerned about my health. They are also very concerned about the size of Mary's head and the ability to fit through the birthing canal. I also have no measurable amniotic fluid left which means there is a chance Mary is experiencing pain. That is my worst nightmare. 

After the appointment I was so upset. I can't imagine my life without Mary inside of me. I can't imagine choosing to induce early, knowing that once we meet her she will quickly go back to heaven. Sam and I went back and forth on whether we thought it was morally okay. We understood that my life is potentially in danger. The severe edema is likely to turn into preeclampsia any minute. The extreme edema can also lead to complications with my heart and kidneys. BUT we know that ultimately we are choosing to meet Mary and then release her back to God. The doctors shared that inducing when my body is still strong and her heartbeat is strong, gives us the best chance of holding our daughter alive. We talked, we prayed, we thought, we processed. Our family was very supportive of whatever we chose. Some family members expressed their concern for my health. We were so torn. 

Saturday morning we met with our pastor and his wife. To say that we were anxious about the meeting is an understatement. We knew we were going to have to verbalize our thoughts and fears with them, even though we had kept many to ourselves and each other. We knew we had to open hearts and ears to hear whatever God was speaking through our pastor. We talked and cried for a little over an hour. The things we talked about are too raw to talk about right now. Someday I may choose to discuss them because, honestly it was such a healing conversation. We expressed at the very beginning that we were concerned that by choosing to induce early would be like "playing God". We have trusted God with our whole hearts this entire pregnancy. We chose to carry to term. We have seen God work miracles in her little body getting her 32 weeks. The problem is now that we have to make the "choice". I have lost sleep over this decision. I have made myself sick. Sam and I were honestly torn. After the conversation with our pastor and his wife we came to a decision. This week we will be inducing labor. We discussed that sacrificing my health and life to give her a few more days in the womb is not Godly. God has shown us that she is meant to teach through her life inside my womb. Carrying her a few days or weeks is not going to change the outcome. What it will likely change is the rest of my life. Getting sicker and sicker every day is not healthy for me, Sam or our future family. Making this decision was so hard. THE HARDEST CHOICE WE HAVE EVER MADE.  

I am not sure what day this week we will meet our daughter, but it is very soon. When we schedule it, I will make sure to share. I am at peace with the decision, but not at peace with the reality of what it means. I am heartbroken that within the next week the world will no longer physically see me as a mommy. I am heartbroken that my family will travel up here to meet Mary and then to lay her to rest. I ask for prayers for strength for me, Sam and Mary as we all adjust to what this means. My blood pressure was so high last night, I knew I had preeclampsia, but yet God got us through. Our biggest prayer is that Mary continues to be strong throughout labor. We want to hold her and love her while she breathes. We have to trust Gods will be done this week. We also pray for peace and strength for our whole family. We ask for prayers for my body. Pray that my body is strong enough to deliver Mary. We pray for no complications. We ask for prayers that her head is small enough she can fit (and survive) the labor. We pray that she flips. She is breech. They will not do a c-section unless I am in immediate danger or dying. Being breech is significantly harder on her and on me. We ask for prayers for Sam. Special prayers for him. Prayers for strength and peace and wisdom to continue to lead our family. 

Today Sam, Mary and I have spent the whole day together getting ready. We went to my sisters house this morning to spend time with them. We laughed which is so appreciated. We would not have been able to get through this journey without my sister. We went to Starbucks. We loved life in the moment. Then Sam, Mary and I went to costco to make sure the house is stocked with food for family as they are around this week. We got home and cleaned the whole house. Sam earns the husband of the year award for helping me clean the entire house. I know no one would judge us if our house was a mess, but it has brought us peace. We feel like we are ready for her. We are proud and thankful for the strength to get through today. Tonight we will go on probably our last date to dinner before her arrival. We were given a generous gift of money to go out on a date one last time before Mary comes.  We have tossed around so many places to go. Still I'm not sure where we will go, but we will be so thankful for the opportunity. Tonight we will cuddle and thank God for our family. This week will probably be the hardest week of our lives. 

Below is the best sound in the world! It is the strong and perfect heartbeat of Mary!