The Final Countdown Is On

I have an app on my phone that has a countdown for significant days and also shows days past since big days in my life. I first downloaded it when Sam proposed last July. I checked every day just to see the days getting smaller leading up to our wedding. Then when we got pregnant I put in my due date. I loved watching the days since we'd married getting bigger and the days until we met our child getting smaller. Then on May 8, when we learned about our Mary, I stopped looking at it all together. Yesterday I decided to open it. It was a little overwhelming the numbers I saw. I looked at the numbers for a long time and everything hit me so hard. I can't believe how much life has changed in such a short amount of time! Here are the numbers as of today. 

First met the love of my life: 637 days ago
Married the love of my life: 197 days ago
Days until we meet our precious Mary: 76 days

I cannot believe it! 76 days is just too soon! The scary thing is that most doctors (and I'm starting to agree now) that Mary will come sooner than our due date. 76 days sounds so close. I can't believe it. I think about the last 197 days of my life and I am overcome with all the extreme emotions I have felt. We have had the best and worst days of our lives together. In 197 days of marriage, Sam and I have experienced things most couples will never had to deal with. As sad as I am that the days are getting smaller, I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart for 197 days with Sam by my side and with our Mary. On hopeful days I think 76 days until we get to meet our perfect daughter and hold and love her. On sad days, I think less than 76 days until we say hello and goodbye to our perfect daughter. Such a weird place to be. I can't imagine not being pregnant anymore. I can't ever remember what it feels like to be healthy and not pregnant. It has been a very rough journey on my body, but I don't want it to come to an end. I don't know what we are going to do when Mary isn't with us. Sure, she isn't really with us, but yet she is. Our lives are centered around our little tiny baby. 

I haven't felt her anymore since that day last week. It makes me thankful for that moment of feeling her move, but then it breaks my heart. All I want is for Sam to feel her move. I want to feel her moving inside of me to remind me she is still fighting. Sure, we listen to her heartbeat daily, but feeling movement helps make everything more real. I pray and pray and pray for all kinds of things for my daughter. The most simple of all, I want to feel her move. Sam is patient and reminds me she will move if and when she is big enough and strong enough. 

Wednesday is our amniocentesis. To say I'm anxious about Wednesday is an understatement. I am dreading getting a substitute for my class. I am dreading writing lesson plans. I am dreading seeing the needle. I am dreading the anxiety that is continually building. I am dreading a lot. BUT... I have to remind myself that we will get answers that will help us make big decisions for Mary's future. We will get answers and a diagnosis. We will be able to accept things because we will know. Please join us in prayer today and every day leading up to Wednesday. Pray for peace for us and our relationship, pray that my anxiety doesn't get the best of me, pray that Sam is able to not pass out from seeing the needle, pray that Mary is in a good position and that I still have enough fluid to do the test. The biggest prayer of all is that my uterus is able to relax after the procedure and that it doesn't lead to labor. I have been able to trust God completely through the whole process this far, I must remember to do so on Wednesday as well. Sam and I are both off for the day. After we are done, we will spend the day relaxing and being calm, focusing on our Mary. 

I will try to update as soon as we get some answers. If everything goes according to plan, we should have the preliminary answers on Thursday or Friday. The complete mirco-array DNA will take 2+ weeks. I am hoping to feel relief with answers. Even if it's Trisomy 13 we will have answers. I can plan to feel one way, but when the call actually comes...who knows. Trusting God will be put to the challenge again. Thankful to have Sam by my side (as always)....especially this week. 

To end on a positive note, below is a "sneak peak" of our maternity pictures. It was a very emotional day, but I know I will be so thankful for the pictures!