We got a lot of good new this week. I was FINALLY released from the OBGYN. After 26 weeks of being seen once or twice a week, I am done. My preeclampsia is gone for the most part (my blood pressure goes up a little when I'm upset, but eh whatever). My incision looks beautiful. I have lots 2/3 of my pregnancy weight. My OB is very, very impressed with the way my heath has dramatically turned around. I still struggle with the PPD some, but it's also part of the grieving process. It hasn't even been three months since we lost Mary. My doctor finally released me back to work! This was a great news. It was bittersweet though. Our doctor and nurses know Mary better than many other people. They are definitely part of our "family" now. It's crazy to look at my calendar and not see an OB appointment. The next OB appointment I will have will be to confirm pregnancy. That is a crazy, crazy thought!
We also got good news from the pulmonologist. My pneumonia is also gone. My lungs are functioning pretty well too. I still struggle to breathe when exercising or when I am upset, but that will just continue to get better. I have a small nodule in my lung that he will x-ray/follow for the next two years. It's probably nothing, but he just wants to make sure! It is very nice to feel better.
The last appointment of the week was with my primary care doctor. He did my annual physical and all the fancy blood work and tests. I was a little worried for him to do all the in-depth blood work because I know that I am not in the best shape of my life. Overall, it was very good! He was also surprised and impressed with my overall health and turn around. I have a few small things that are slightly elevated, but for what my body has gone through over the last 10 months, it is all very normal. He was encouraged by the motivation I have to lose my pregnancy weight (and then some)!
All of these appointments were silver linings to us. After months and months are bad news after bad news, it was very reassuring to get good news. I am so thankful for all the prayers and support through this journey. I praise God and thank Him for blessing my body with strength to recover and ultimately prepare for another pregnancy in the future.
I try to remember all the happy feeling this week to give me motivation and strength to face tomorrow, this week, and weeks to come. Tomorrow I go back to work. While I am excited, I am a complete and total mess about it. When I think about it, all I can think is that I'm closing the chapter of life with Mary in it. The last time I was a working teacher, I had Mary with me everyday. I can't imagine how my heart will ever get through the day tomorrow and this week.
I have visited my class a few times this week. I have sure missed my students so much. They made me feel so special. The first time I went in they didn't know what to think or how to act. They just sort of looked at me. The second time was much better. They were excited to see me and actually talked to me. It's a big change for all of us. I know my week with my students will be great. I just worry about the rest of it. I get SO tired from standing and being active for more than like two hours at a time. Teaching special education is very active for eight plus hours! I worry about getting too tired and worn out. I also worry about my heart. I have a bleeding heart right now (or maybe always). I worry that my heart isn't ready to go back to work and deal with the reality that my students have to face daily. I worry that something will upset me and I'll fall apart. I worry about spending eight plus hours a day people. I have spent the majority of my days alone for the last ten weeks. My hormones are still leveling back out. Between hormones and grief, I'm worried about getting through the day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. To be honest, I am not ready to go back. I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom/wife but that isn't a possibility right now. I am not ready to "move-on" without my Mary.
With all this said, I continue to have faith. I have no doubt that God will carry me through much of this week. I trust that this is what I'm supposed to be doing now. I know that Mary would want me to be happy and healthy and to continue living with a positive attitude. I have faith in His timing. He has gotten us this far, He isn't going to leave us now. I say "us" because, even though I am the one emotional about going back to work, it directly effects us a family. Sam has to deal with cranky, cranky Jolee. He has to wipe my tears, answer all my texts, hold my hand as I enter the "real" work again. It isn't easy for him either, just different. I thank God for the return of my health. I thank God for providing me with a job, and I trust He already has the future planned for us. I'm sure this week will be better than I am expecting. I just have to take one step at a time.
Below is a song I may have posted before. It is a song a friend shared with me when we first found out about Mary. I have literally listened to it every day since then. It is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I will listen to it 10000x tomorrow if I need to. It gives me so much hope and I will get through this week!
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