Delivery Day: Do I Regret Any Of This?

Time is very weird right now. It is passing so, so slowly, yet so quickly. It's been six weeks since we had our Mary. Everything about this journey is just so difficult. I don't think a single part of it has been easy or gone according to plan. Insurance and bills are complicated. Some bills they get my insurance information correct, then the next it's completely wrong. Some days I think I'm finally feeling better, than nights like last night hit and I feel physically like I just delivered Mary. I was supposed to be released back to work, but yesterday the doctor wouldn't. She says I need more time as my body is still struggling. Then there are my emotions. Some days I think I'm okay. Then something silly will send me spiraling. Life is passing and the rest of the world is coming to terms that Mary is gone and everyone is returning to normal lives. I completely understand that. I am thankful for that. At the same time, my world is not at all back to normal. I am struggling to return to "normal". Actually, life will never be the same. It's frustrating for me, and therefore Sam, to keep hitting one road block then another. Earlier this week, I was asked if "I regretted carrying Mary, and not aborting, because you aren't working or making any money, paying huge bills, and not getting healthy." I know the intention was good, they are sad and frustrated for me because I'm struggling. I paused and then immediately responded with "absolutely not!" All of those things are true. Bills are expensive, not working means no money, my body is sick and struggling, everything is a struggle BUT Mary is the best thing to happen to me. I would do it again and again if I could spend another hour and forty six minutes with Mary. Trusting God while carrying Mary was hard because I couldn't come to terms with her fatal diagnosis. I didn't want to trust him because I wanted immediate assurance that everything would be okay. Trusting God while swimming in debt, failing health, a grieving broken hearted, and trying to learn to live with a daughter in heaven is equally as hard. I have always like control. I hate where we are right now. I hate not knowing how we will get through each month. With all this being said, I still trust God completely. It is a challenge to work through this, but I know Sam and I have a deep love and devotion for one another, and our faith in our God is even deeper. We have been tested and tested, and still are being tested but I stand in awe at how many great things have come from this experience. We will continue to trust that God will again bring us through our new challenges. 

Below are pictures I have been wanting to share for a while now. They are more pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are so special to us. They aren't as cute as the previous pictures of us cuddling and loving Mary, but these pictures mean way more to us. They tell a story through pictures that we will never forget. They show the miracle of her birth, the love of our whole family, and her baptism and dedication to God. These pictures tell a story that has changed our lives forever. They are in no particular order. Maybe I should have put them in order, but I think it's symbolic of our journey. Nothing has gone in order, but it is all beautiful and praise-worthy.

Here, Jacob is baptizing Mary. This is one of my favorite pictures. This is one of the only "normal" things were were able to do for our daughter. She was baptized on my chest. Sam and I are so thankful to Jacob baptizing her in the middle of chaos and uncertainty. 

This is another one of my favorite and most special pictures. They allowed Sam to cut Mary's umbilical chord. All the doctors around her, trying to help her, but they honored and included Sam as daddy. 

This is Dr. Z handing Sam Mary for the first time. Because she was alive, Dr. Z covered her spine on the outside of her body from the Spina Bifida to make sure she wasn't in any pain. Even through Sam said he was scared to death, he looks like a natural to me!

Sam had just taken off his shirt as I was getting ready to hand Mary to him. He continued Kangaroo Care for her when I was no longer able to. 

There are no words to describe how much this picture means to me! This was our whole family, both sides, surrounding Mary, and us, in love and prayer. She was the most loved baby. Everyone was there and held her after she passed. She has the best family ever! The hospital was amazing for allowing this. 

Family starting to come up quietly and look and meet Mary while she was with us. 

Love. 

More friends and family meeting Mary. There were even some smiles. She was and is our miracle!

This picture is while they were struggling to get Mary out. C-sections are scary, especially when you know your baby is stuck. Sam held my hand wiped my tears until the minute Mary was born. He never left our sides. 

The room is nearly silent here, at least that's how I remember it. Mary was born but there was no cry. I had no idea if she was alive or not. Jacob is holding my hand here. I clearly remember her words as they will forever be a gift.. "She's alive. Praise God, she's alive! Sam will bring her to you very soon." 

A few of the happiest moments of my life. Things change so quickly, but I was so thankful for the happy moments. 

Joy and greif collide. 

Support and love for Sam as he was giving his girls everything he had. 

Sam never left my side. He did everything he could for us. 

Family still meeting the newest member of the family. 

Sissy, my big sister, was at every single ultrasound with us through our journey. She and Mary have a special relationship. I remember her words so clearly as well here, "She's precious, it's like I already know you Mary."

This picture breaks my heart. The heartache is so evident. 

This is my wonder team right here... My sisters and Sam! Loving Mary, talking care of sick me, and ever present through the entire journey. 

Immediately following the surgery, you usually have to spend 1-1.5 hours in recovery before seeing family. Chandler Regional made an except for us and allowed us to go back to L&D so our family could be present. All the doctors and nurses moved from the OR to our room where they continued to care for both of us. Sam never let go of us. Moments before Mary met the rest of her family. 

The GOOD, The Bad, And The UGLY

Sunday was the one month anniversary of us saying hello and goodbye to our precious Mary Margaret. The good news, we survived! The bad news, the day was really, really difficult. I have been writing and rewriting this post for several days now. This is the first time I have done that. I usually just pour my heart out, don't even edit and hit 'publish'. For some reason, this one has been particularly difficult. 

The UGLY all really started Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning and all I could think about was that tomorrow would be a month since I lost my pride and joy. I got up though, and we had a pretty good day. I felt like I was carrying around this "heaviness" though... it was weird. Saturday night was Asher's first birthday. Asher is the son of our best friends Jacob and Amanda. Jacob and Amanda have been by our side through the whole journey with Mary. Jacob even baptized Mary in the OR once she was born. They have been a support for us emotionally and spiritually. Saturday was Asher's birthday party as it was his actual birthday. I debated on whether or not I should go to the party. I love Asher. He is a "safe" baby as I call it. He was born and in our life before we conceived Mary. I can be around him just fine and actually enjoy it. I love the way he stares into my soul, it makes me laugh. I wanted to be there to show my love and appreciation for Jacob and Amanda and my love for Asher, but I was less than excited about being around lots of other babies and toddlers and moms and dads. I just don't where we are supposed to fit in in situations like that. When Sam goes with the guys, they often don't talk about babies. Women are wired differently and I am no exception. We will talk babies, and poop, and not sleeping all the time. My heart longs for conversations like that, but I can't really participate. I hate to bring Mary up, not because I'm embarrassed of her, but because I hate to make people uncomfortable. The truth is, a lot of people don't know how to act around me. I just desire to be "normal". I wish I could bring Mary up and not have people pity more or feel uncomfortable. The reality is though, many, many people do. So I don't talk about her. But then I feel guilty for not talking about her because she is my baby. This is why I avoid social situations with lots of kids unless they are in my "safe" group. I decided to go though because Sam wanted me too and I wanted to support him with his friends. He does a lot for me!! The least I could do was put on make up and go to a party with him. Once we got there though, I was almost instantly uncomfortable. As much as I tried not to be. I felt so bad being there. I fought back tears the whole time. I didn't know who to talk to or where to go. All I knew was that I did not want to take away from Jacob, Amanda and Asher's special day. I wished I hadn't gone for that reason. After a few hours of being there, I couldn't do it anymore. When everyone sang Happy Birthday to Asher, Sam and I walked inside. I love Asher, but all I could think about was that we would never been singing Happy Birthday to Mary. She will never have a big party or eat a piece of cake. It was almost to much to think about. That heaviness I had when I woke up Saturday morning was way more intense. I finally lost it. Sam was with the guys, having a good time. That made my heart so happy to see him smiling and having fun. I couldn't pull him away from that. I decided to call my best friend Jessica. She's far away, but I knew she wouldn't judge me. She couldn't understand me as I cried, but she understood the best she could. Sam eventually realized I wasn't around and came and found me. He held me, once again, as I cried and cried. It was ugly. We were in the backyard. I felt so bad for losing it on such a special day. We realized it was time to go, even if that meant skipping dinner. I gathered myself together as we had to walk through the house say goodbye to everyone. When I cry, it's obvious, so everyone inside knew. Then something amazing happened. They loved me regardless of falling apart. We said our goodbyes and left. I sobbed the whole way home. The anxiety of Sunday being so close was almost too much to bear. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. It was a long night. 

Sunday morning rolled around unfortunately, as it always does, and Sam and I decided to skip church. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself together. We decided to work in our backyard and garden. On Saturday we had decided to turn it into our butterfly garden, for Mary. We spent the whole morning working together and getting all dirty. It was nice. Then, coincidentally, Sunday was also the first Packers game. I wasn't excited, but I kept telling myself that Mary would be happy that her daddy was happy watching the game. Sam's parents and my dad came over. We had lunch and all watched the game. Throughout the day, I was able to pretend to be ok. I am a great pretender. That afternoon Sam had arranged for me to get a massage. It was great, but it wasn't the most relaxing because I couldn't stop replaying the same hours... just a month earlier. I felt better after the massage though. The massage therapist could not believe how tight I was. I told her that was nothing compared to how my heart was feeling. Sunday night, Sam and I went to dinner, just the two of us. It was great. I happened to look down at my watch and realized it was just 3 minutes before the dreaded minute that we lost our Mary. I fell apart inside...but I should have fallen apart to Sam. We went home and unfortunately didn't have a good night. I was so upset and depressed. 

Monday was a horrible day. I will spare the details as I have written them out many times and deleted them. I couldn't get myself to do anything. I was not happy. I was not okay. We had the pulmonologist. I STILL have pneumonia and have two small nodules in my lungs. He is assuming they are from the severe pneumonia. I have one more month of treatment and rest before more xrays and lung function tests. This really, really, really upset me. All I want is to be healthy and I can't get there. I will be starting back to work still not "healthy" and that was my number one goal. Then we had counseling. It was good but hard. I fell apart for the first time in it. Monday night was the tipping point. Like I said, I will spare the details, but our house was not a fun place to be. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't make a single decision about anything. I had no hope for the future. My heart just ached so much to have Mary back. Everything was just so overwhelming. 

Tuesday morning, we decided it was time to get help. This is the hardest thing to admit, but I have been diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression). I feel like it is such a taboo subject. Unless you have ever lived through PPD or depression, it is something you can't describe. I have been struggling for a little bit but it has been okay, until this past weekend. Sam and I kept it private because, well, I'm not sure. It's not easy to admit it. It is something many women struggle with but don't talk about. I felt so, so alone. It was yesterday we finally let our family in on "our secret" and today I share with the world. I have been so open and honest this far, I feel like I want to continue. It is my hope and prayer that by speaking up, I let other moms know it is okay. Just because we are depressed and suffering from postpartum, we are okay. We are good moms. We are human. Just as I have kept my faith and cried out to God through the whole process... I continue to do so. I have no doubt that He will get me through this. He will get Sam through this. Although I am the one who is fighting this battle, Sam is fighting a different one. He so desperately wants to help me and this time there is no set answer on what that looks like. Sometimes its holding me when I cry and scream. Sometimes it's keeping me busy and out of the house. Sometimes it's reminding me I AM a mom. Sometimes it's calling to just check in. God will bring us through this, just as he brought us through saying hello and goodbye to our precious and perfect daughter. We will continue to praise God through this storm as well! 

Rejoice and praise God for our miracle baby, Mary Margaret! 

Just Some Thoughts...

Today is a hard day. It has been four weeks since I said hello and goodbye to Mary. I know that Sunday is actually the "one month anniversary" but today is hard too. The anxiety I have building, in regards to Sunday, is crazy. The emotion of it all is sometimes too much. I hate how when I think about the decent future, everything is centered around Mary's milestones. Most moms look forward to milestones. Not me. I see the milestone of one month, her due date, two months, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas just to name a few. None of these "milestones" am I looking forward to. All of them make me sick to my stomach. All of them I have to talk and plan for. All of them I have to guard my heart and make a "plan" for the day and how I'm going to "get through it". As I sit here tonight, not even sure what to do to fill my time until bedtime, I decided to write. Below are some pictures I have come across in the last four weeks. I think they give a good glimpse into the life of a mommy without a baby. 

I LOVE THIS PICTURE! I have no idea who painted it, but it might be my favorite piece of art. I can just see my own love for Mary in the reflection. Sure, my tummy never got as big, and I never got to hold Mary like this, but she is my baby. When I looked into the mirror when I was carrying her, I had dreams and hopes for our life. Now when I look in the mirror, I see reminders of the beautiful daughter we have in heaven. 

The piece was painted by Anna Rose Bain and is called the "The Wait and the Reward".  

Amen! Love never gives up. When the day is too hard to face, I remind myself I am a wife to an amazing husband and I must press forward. Love never gives up. Mary wants me to continue healing and growing. 

The San Diego beach is a very special place for us. This picture reminds me of Mary. I will always carry her in my heart. I can't wait to go back to the beach, it will be bittersweet. 

This is the truth! I don't really struggle with depression, but I fight anxiety constantly. It is a horrible place to be. I have no shame in admitting I struggle. By admitting I struggle, I am taking care of myself and my family. 

There are no words for this except THIS IS THE TRUTH!

Right now I am experiencing the indescribable journey of survival. I hope and pray that someday soon, I learn to thrive... for Mary! <3  

Loving and Living

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. As we are drawing closer to the first month anniversary of us saying "hello" and "goodbye" to Mary, the days are getting harder. I keep thinking of what life would be like if we had her in our arms. I also think about how big I would be if I was still pregnant. How would I be feeling? Would I be able to feel her kick and move yet? Everywhere we go, everything we do, she comes up in our conversations and we realize we will never have her back. Every night, we cuddle with our Mary bear. I love having Mary bear, but I miss having her. It's all just not fair. The better I feel physically, the more I miss Mary; he more I realize how different our lives now are. We are mommy and daddy, living life without our newborn baby. 

I have been struggling with my body image lately. I know that makes me a "normal" woman and new mommy. The strange thing though, is that I both love and hate my body. I am completely in awe of how strong my body has been. My body carried a baby to 32 weeks that should have never made it past conception. My body endured preeclampsia for 72 hours BEFORE birth, and then even more severe preeclampsia after birth. My body was cut 10 inches open to deliver a baby that it wasn't ready to give up yet. My body continues to carry me through pneumonia.  My body carried 15lbs of water weight for no reason. My body is keeping me going through the toughest time of my life. My body is also beautiful. It tells a story that is so glorifying to God. I have stretch marks the world may never see, but they remind me of my amazing daughter. My breasts were able to produce milk to feed a baby that is no longer here. My body didn't know had gone to heaven, so it tried for over two weeks to give me the means to provide the best care for a baby. My body is a beautiful thing I am so thankful for. My body also makes me cry harder than it should. My body makes me disgusted. All those beautiful things I just named also break my heart. I now have a body that "looks" like I just had a baby. I have lost 20 pounds already, but yet I have 30 more pounds to lose that I gained to carry Mary. I didn't realize that once I delivered, I wouldn't just magically fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I hate to wear maternity clothes because they make me sad, but yet I'm not thin enough to fit into my normal clothes. I look in the mirror and I see a mommy with no baby, and all the weight to prove it. It's an odd place to be. I never expected my body to be a trigger for my grief. When I have negative self thoughts, I try to remind myself how blessed I am by my body. I need to love my body. God has given me a body that has done simply amazing things within the last year!

Yesterday Sam and I went to Sedona and Oak Creek Canyon. It was something that I had so badly wanted to do when we had Mary. Unfortunately, we were never able to. We decided that we would go, just the two of us, and have fun and we knew she'd be with us throughout the day. I was so looking forward to the day. I woke up yesterday in the worst mood. I was grumpy. I had no clothes that fit. I had nothing I looked good in. I didn't want to go because I didn't have Mary. As always, Sam held me as I cried and processed. He loved me and was patient with me. Once I acknowledged the fact that I was upset and missing Mary, my whole perspective changed. We finally got out of the house and had an amazing day. We had so much fun! We sang worship songs at the top of lungs on the way up. We enjoyed the beauty. We played and laughed and loved by the creek. We enjoyed God's amazing earth and we knew Mary was happy that we were having fun. Throughout the day, we both made comments about  Mary, memories we realized we won't be making with her. We then realized we were making memories together and honoring her beautiful life. We laughed, I cried more, and we had fun! The day went nothing like we expected but that was totally okay. We took backroads home due to HORRIBLE traffic, we got stuck in an incredible storm, we had our picnic in the car instead of in the forest, we stopped at outlets and got me a few shirts that make me feel more attractive. We had no agenda and no one to worry about except each other. I had wanted to hike and play more in Oak Creek Canyon, but my body is just not ready. I listened when my body told me it was time to rest. We ate Dairy Queen in Oak Creek Canyon and talked about our amazing daughter. We know she would have loved the canyon just as much as her mommy. We also know that she would have loved to run and play with her daddy as I sat and watched. We trust God and know someday we will have other children to make these memories with. And the best part is we know Mary is watching and loving us. She wouldn't want us to stop our lives in grief. We miss her so much, but we are honoring her by trying to move forward and keeping her memory alive. We saw a few butterflies yesterday in the forest and we were reminded that God will carry us through and Mary is with us.

Where would I be without his man? 

Being in the mountains brings such peace to my heart. 

Having fun!

Trying to love all of me!

Best Dairy Queen! 

Adjusting to "normal"

It's been over a week since we said our last goodbye to our precious Mary. This past week has been difficult. Family went home, Sam went back to work, and life became our new "normal". Nothing seems normal anymore though. Nothing is easy. I am beginning to slowly feel better physically, but it's a slow process. Sleeping is uncomfortable. I have been having nightmares which are horrible. It makes sleeping so undesirable which is exactly what I need. I keep reaching down to touch my tummy just to realize she is no longer there. It is so not fair. I have told Sam many times this week that I am a mom with no purpose. My milk has come in. It is a completely horrible experience. My body is trying so hard to feed my baby. I so wish there was a way I could let my body know that there is no need for milk. I am thankful that I am able to produce milk, but it's daily reminder that Mary is not here. When I go out, I still have to wear maternity clothes. I still have a baby belly and a very big incision. I still look pregnant, and I dread the day anyone in public asks. Our house is quiet. Just like it was before we had her. A house is not supposed to be quiet after you have a baby. Yet another reminder. Silly things make me break down and fall apart. We talk about all the dreams we are now realizing wont come to pass. It. is. hard. Everything about me and in me wants to be a mommy with a living baby. I am a mommy, but the vast majority of the world doesn't know that. That breaks my heart. 

Thankfully, I am a daughter of a very loving God who is helping us through this incredible journey. Each day we find joy. Some days it's easy, some days it's the hardest thing you can imagine. Each day we find something to look forward to in the future. All week I have been upset because I didn't have anything to fill my time with. I don't have a hobby. I searched the web for hours. I talked with friends and family. Finally, yesterday I discovered what I am going to do with my time. I am going to learn to garden. I am excited that I have something to fill my time with while Sam is at work. 

Last Saturday, August 22nd, 2015, we said goodbye to Mary. I am not ready to talk about my feelings and emotions surrounding the day. I will say that we were incredibly touched by the turnout at her service. God has surrounded us with love. There were people at her service I would never have guessed. It was just perfect. As perfect as a service for your baby can be. Until I write out the day, enjoy some pictures of the day. I am also attaching the slideshow Sam and I made of Mary's life. 

Some got stuck in the tree. I think it made it look pretty!

Two of my four favorite kids ever. All four of them keep me going on difficult days. 

The Best Worst Day Of Our Lives

As I sit here and reflect over the last week and half, I am blown away at how much our lives have changed. I have known that I wanted and needed to write out the "story", but yet I have been avoiding it. I don't know why. Of course it's difficult to share, but at the same time I haven't wanted to admit that we are left without Mary on this earth. I reach down to rub my tummy often and I realize that she is no longer there. I wake up in the middle of the night holding my tummy, and then have to come to the realization all over again that she is no longer warm and safe inside me. Instead, she is running pain free in heaven. I am comforted by that thought, but my heart physically aches for my daughter to be back in my arms.

Last Monday, August 10th, 2015 I became very sick. I woke up feeling off but decided to go to work and push through my IEP meeting. After the IEP was over around 8:00am I still wasn't feeling better. It wasn't unusual to wake up feeling yucky. Usually though, after a few hours, I feel better. I was taking my blood pressure periodically throughout the morning and it was creeping up. Finally at 11:00am, I decided it was time for me to go home. I called Sam on my way home and told him I wasn't feeling good. I got home and ate lunch. Within an hour of being home, everything changed. Around 12:00pm I was washing my hands and I blacked out and fell. I didn't pass out because I remember every part of it. I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air and started to panic. I called Sam crying hysterically and he rushed home. After he got home and helped me up we headed into Labor and Delivery. The rest of that night was a blur. My blood pressure was very high still so they admitted me to the hospital and started collecting my urine for 24 hours to see if it was indeed preeclampsia.

Tuesday, August 11th, 2015 I called my family and had them come up. I had the horrible headache now and knew that something was wrong. After being bounced around from labor and delivery to antepartum, we got settled in our new home away from home. Honestly, Tuesday and Wednesday are giant blurs. Sam and I (and our families) knew that I had preeclampsia and that it was time for Mary to come. All the doctors agreed. Except my urine didn't show quite enough protein to officially call it preeclampsia. All the doctors wanted to deliver Mary. This is where things got tricky. Because I hadn't quite reached the threshold of protein in my urine, the head perinatologist had to sign off to the c-section. We wait three days for this "amazing" doctor to come and see us. As we waited I got sicker and sicker. My head was pounding, my blood pressure was high, and I was swelling up like a balloon. Finally at 11:40pm on Wednesday, August 12th, 2015, the doctor came in and said yes, it's preeclampsia and you need to deliver.

One of the hardest parts of the week were the horrible conversations we were having with doctors about the delivery of Mary. I had another level 2 ultrasound done on Tuesday morning. Mary's body was measuring around 25 weeks gestation and her head was measuring 36 weeks gestation. That is a huge, huge difference. Our plan always was deliver Mary vaginally as they wouldn't do a c-section because it delays us conceiving again and it was a physical reminder of the baby we would't have. Things changed after we got her official head measurements. I won't go into detail about the conversations we had with doctors but they were HORRIBLE. I am sick to my stomach thinking about them. Mary was also still breech. This created really big problems. The doctors had conversations with us about head entrapment. It was horrible. I am not going to go into detail. If you want to know, which you DON'T, you can look it up. The conversations are the worst things I can ever dream of. After the conversations, and the realization that God was telling us it was time to meet our Mary, we decided on a c-section.

Thursday, August 13th, 2015. Mary's birth day. What a whirlwind of a day that was. The doctor who was on at the hospital we were at was the ONE doctor that I didn't like. It is important to note now that I do like her and respect her. She is a very new doctor and has never had to deal with a situation like ours. She was in over her head. She did a lot of my post-op care. I like to think that she will be more comfortable next time, God forbid a situation like ours comes up, thanks to Mary. I'm not sure how it all worked out, but our favorite doctor was on at the other hospital. She made special arrangements to switch hospitals so she could deliver our Mary through c-section. The c-section was supposed to be at 2pm. She wasn't born until 5:09pm. It took a lot to coordinate all the doctors and nurses and everyone. Around 4:30pm, Sam, Jacob who baptized Mary, and two amazing photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and I walked into the OR. There is no possible way for me to describe the feelings I was experiencing. I was going to meet my daughter, who I had spent every day with for 229 days. A part of me also still felt like I was "playing" God in delivering her, even though my body was so, so sick. Sam, Jacob and the photographers had to wait outside until I got my spinal block and was set up for surgery. The anesthesiologist was amazing. She got me all numbed up quickly. My doctor held my face and talked me through the pain. My nurse wiped my tears as they just poured and poured and poured. Once was numb and laying down, my blood pressure and heart rate skyrocketed. Part of this was obviously emotions, but the other was the preeclampsia. It got very scary. They couldn't get my blood pressure down. They told me they were worried they were going to have to put me to sleep. I DID not want that. I needed Sam with me. The anesthesiologist rubbed my shoulders, my jaw and held my hand. She assured me she was doing her best to stabilize me. It was so scary. Finally Sam and Jacob and our photographers were allowed in. There was my doctor, another doctor, five nurses, the neonatologist for Mary, two NICU nurses, Sam, Jacob, and the two photographers all crammed into the tiniest OR. They started during the surgery right away. Sam and I realized that it was taking much longer to get Mary out than they had expected. I was crying the whole time. Sam held me close and we prayed like we have never prayed before. I'm sure glad God is big enough to handle all the emotions.  I just knew that we werent going to hear Mary cry. I felt like because it was taking so long, that she wasn't going to be alive. Finally, they announced she was born. Sam ran to her side where the neonatologist and NICU nurses were cleaning her up. We weren't going to do supportive care, but they cleaned her mouth and covered her spina bifida. Sam told me she was alive. She was moving her tiny, underdeveloped body. Thank the Lord. I sit here with tears streaming down my face, praising and thanking God for this miracle. They put a warmer bag and wrapped her up. Sam carried her over to me. He was beaming with pride that she was alive. Sam laid her on my naked chest and Jacob baptized her. We prayed so hard over her little body. I couldn't stop telling her how perfect she was. She was beautiful. We also cried as we told her to go back to heaven as soon as she was ready. We didn't want her to experience any pain. She was struggling to breathe. It was the hardest thing I have ever watched. At one point, I told her she was just perfect and how I was going to miss her so much, but how beyond thankful I was to hold her warm body. She pulled her tiny hand out and laid it on my lips. It was the single most wonderful moment of my whole life. Even though we knew she would soon be going to heaven, every sick day, every scary moment, was worth this. She looked back and forth from mommy to daddy. It took them awhile to get me closed up. Her breaths were getting further and further apart. We enjoyed every single second with her. As soon as I was closed up, they took us to a room for recovery. They normally keep mommy, daddy, and baby in recovery for 1-2 hours because it's such a critical time for the moms health. They made a huge exception and gave us a big room for recovery so our whole family could see Mary. Our family was told this never happens, but we wanted Mary to know just how loved she was (and still is!). When they wheeled us into our room, it was so quiet. Mary was on my chest. Although there were about 20 in the room, all I remember is Sam and Mary. We were almost positive that Mary passed before we made it to recovery. When the neonatologist came to check her heart, we were prepared for the worst. Much to our surprise her heartbeat was actually beating BETTER than when she was born. The look on the doctors face was priceless. He looked like a proud papa bear. Our Mary was the strongest little fighter. She loved to prove everyone wrong. Although we were overwhelmed with joy, we could tell that her time with us was quickly coming to a close. Unfortunately, right after the neonatologist checked her, my health started to deteriorate quickly. My blood pressure was sky-high and I was shaking out of control. I knew it was time for Sam to take Mary to love on her until she passed. It was the hardest thing ever to let go of her, but I knew I needed to take care of me for Sam, and I knew Sam was perfectly able to love her to the end of her life. He quickly took off his shirt and we moved her right to his chest. That is where she took her last breath and her heart stopped. The next time the neonatologist came to check, our Mary had gone home to be with the Lord. She was pain and disability free. 

To say that we were heartbroken doesn't do justice to what we were feeling. We cried and cried and cried. We thanked God for the amazing and perfect hour and 46 minutes our Mary lived with us. Once she had gone to heaven, we passed her around and all our family got to hold her. She had the most loved experience on earth. After several hours, I stabilized, and our family went home. Sam and I spent the night holding our daughter and loving her. We looked over every single part of her body. It was perfect. Even though she had Triploidy, God made her perfectly. She had every part of her body. She had two fingers on each hand that were webbed. The amazing thing though, is that even though her fingers were webbed, she had separate perfect fingernails. She had ten, precious fingernails. She also had ten little toenails. Her big toes were off to the side, almost like thumbs. They were so, so perfect! We loved them. Her ears and nose and lips were my favorite. I was so just amazed at how God made them so perfect. Everyone who held Mary said she had Sam's nose. It makes so happy to think of her little nose, being just like daddy. 

The next day, we knew it was time to say goodbye to her earthly body. We dressed Mary in the most beautiful white dress made by Nani. It looked so beautiful on her. I wasn't able to move still, so Sam got her dressed. I sat there and cried and cried. Sam looked so natural, dressing his daughter for her final resting. There is something so wrong about having to do this, but he did it with such grace and courage. He was so delicate and he made her look just perfect. Once she was dressed, she was placed back in my arms. I couldn't stand to think that this was goodbye. I knew she was already in heaven, but my arms ached to hold her forever. Finally we called the nurse to come and take it. It was horrible. We didn't want to know when she was picked up by the funeral home. Instead, we asked the funeral home to call and let us know when she arrived. 

We were released from the hospital on Sunday afternoon. Leaving was so, so hard. I was so anxious because this room was the last placed we held our baby. Sam assured me that home was the best place we could be. He was right. Getting home was hard, but wonderful. I am so thankful that Sam has been by my side day and night throughout this whole process. I can't imagine my life without him. It has been the hardest week, but God has blessed me with the best husband ever. 

Sunday night, our first night home, was very rough. I realized before bed that I was having trouble breathing. I thought it was just anxiety. Throughout the night it got worse. By 4:00am, I realized something was very wrong. I was wheezing very bad. We rushed back to the ER where they readmitted me. I have pneumonia (probably from throwing up during the c-section) and pulmonary edema from the excessive swelling from the preeclampsia. I was given at least 20 breathing treatments, lots of antibiotics, and we didn't allow visitors. I was also given lots of lasix. I lost 6 pounds in 24 hours due to being "drained". We are realizing how fragile life is. I was released on Tuesday, with strict instructions to breathe deep, cough, and take my medicine. Thank you for all the continued prayers. I am still fighting the swelling and pneumonia, but I know I'm in the best care. 

Today, it has been a week since we lost our perfect daughter. There have been more tears the last seven days, sleepless nights, horrible nightmares, crushed dreams. There have also been great laughs and happy moments. Our lives are so much richer because of our experience with our daughter. We are surrounded by family and friends this week and are assured that Mary is with God. Her story is so far from over. Doctors this week are dumbfounded that she lived outside of me. No one expected it. Mary has touched so many lives. We are now two days away from her celebration of life. The anxiety is overtaking me at moments. I know though, that God will provide the strength to get through. God will provide the means to fully recover, and God will carry us if we are too weak. I thank God for the best, worst day of my life. 

Here is my very favorite picture. More will be shared later, but tonight and forever, this picture shows the beauty of our daughter, Mary Margaret! 

The Hardest Decision Of Our Life

I have been putting off writing this post. Not because I don't want to share the continuation of our journey, but because I haven't wanted to admit to myself. Within the last week and half a lot has changed. We received the final diagnosis of Triploidy or 69xxx. No one doubted the preliminary report, so the final diagnosis was not surprising or noteworthy. The difference is that my body has started to really struggle. I have had sporadic contractions. The biggest change though is severe edema or swelling. I know that swelling in feet and hands is normal. The problem is, I'm swelling in my hands, feet, legs, arms, chest, back, stomach, everywhere. The swelling never goes away and continues to get worse every day. If you have ever had severe swelling you know how uncomfortable it is. It makes every step painful. My blood pressure is also high. Thankfully I don't have preeclampsia, but the doctors say I am very close. Last week at our weekly appointment the doctors really suggested that we induce soon. They are very concerned about my health. They are also very concerned about the size of Mary's head and the ability to fit through the birthing canal. I also have no measurable amniotic fluid left which means there is a chance Mary is experiencing pain. That is my worst nightmare. 

After the appointment I was so upset. I can't imagine my life without Mary inside of me. I can't imagine choosing to induce early, knowing that once we meet her she will quickly go back to heaven. Sam and I went back and forth on whether we thought it was morally okay. We understood that my life is potentially in danger. The severe edema is likely to turn into preeclampsia any minute. The extreme edema can also lead to complications with my heart and kidneys. BUT we know that ultimately we are choosing to meet Mary and then release her back to God. The doctors shared that inducing when my body is still strong and her heartbeat is strong, gives us the best chance of holding our daughter alive. We talked, we prayed, we thought, we processed. Our family was very supportive of whatever we chose. Some family members expressed their concern for my health. We were so torn. 

Saturday morning we met with our pastor and his wife. To say that we were anxious about the meeting is an understatement. We knew we were going to have to verbalize our thoughts and fears with them, even though we had kept many to ourselves and each other. We knew we had to open hearts and ears to hear whatever God was speaking through our pastor. We talked and cried for a little over an hour. The things we talked about are too raw to talk about right now. Someday I may choose to discuss them because, honestly it was such a healing conversation. We expressed at the very beginning that we were concerned that by choosing to induce early would be like "playing God". We have trusted God with our whole hearts this entire pregnancy. We chose to carry to term. We have seen God work miracles in her little body getting her 32 weeks. The problem is now that we have to make the "choice". I have lost sleep over this decision. I have made myself sick. Sam and I were honestly torn. After the conversation with our pastor and his wife we came to a decision. This week we will be inducing labor. We discussed that sacrificing my health and life to give her a few more days in the womb is not Godly. God has shown us that she is meant to teach through her life inside my womb. Carrying her a few days or weeks is not going to change the outcome. What it will likely change is the rest of my life. Getting sicker and sicker every day is not healthy for me, Sam or our future family. Making this decision was so hard. THE HARDEST CHOICE WE HAVE EVER MADE.  

I am not sure what day this week we will meet our daughter, but it is very soon. When we schedule it, I will make sure to share. I am at peace with the decision, but not at peace with the reality of what it means. I am heartbroken that within the next week the world will no longer physically see me as a mommy. I am heartbroken that my family will travel up here to meet Mary and then to lay her to rest. I ask for prayers for strength for me, Sam and Mary as we all adjust to what this means. My blood pressure was so high last night, I knew I had preeclampsia, but yet God got us through. Our biggest prayer is that Mary continues to be strong throughout labor. We want to hold her and love her while she breathes. We have to trust Gods will be done this week. We also pray for peace and strength for our whole family. We ask for prayers for my body. Pray that my body is strong enough to deliver Mary. We pray for no complications. We ask for prayers that her head is small enough she can fit (and survive) the labor. We pray that she flips. She is breech. They will not do a c-section unless I am in immediate danger or dying. Being breech is significantly harder on her and on me. We ask for prayers for Sam. Special prayers for him. Prayers for strength and peace and wisdom to continue to lead our family. 

Today Sam, Mary and I have spent the whole day together getting ready. We went to my sisters house this morning to spend time with them. We laughed which is so appreciated. We would not have been able to get through this journey without my sister. We went to Starbucks. We loved life in the moment. Then Sam, Mary and I went to costco to make sure the house is stocked with food for family as they are around this week. We got home and cleaned the whole house. Sam earns the husband of the year award for helping me clean the entire house. I know no one would judge us if our house was a mess, but it has brought us peace. We feel like we are ready for her. We are proud and thankful for the strength to get through today. Tonight we will go on probably our last date to dinner before her arrival. We were given a generous gift of money to go out on a date one last time before Mary comes.  We have tossed around so many places to go. Still I'm not sure where we will go, but we will be so thankful for the opportunity. Tonight we will cuddle and thank God for our family. This week will probably be the hardest week of our lives. 

Below is the best sound in the world! It is the strong and perfect heartbeat of Mary!