The Final Countdown Is On

I have an app on my phone that has a countdown for significant days and also shows days past since big days in my life. I first downloaded it when Sam proposed last July. I checked every day just to see the days getting smaller leading up to our wedding. Then when we got pregnant I put in my due date. I loved watching the days since we'd married getting bigger and the days until we met our child getting smaller. Then on May 8, when we learned about our Mary, I stopped looking at it all together. Yesterday I decided to open it. It was a little overwhelming the numbers I saw. I looked at the numbers for a long time and everything hit me so hard. I can't believe how much life has changed in such a short amount of time! Here are the numbers as of today. 

First met the love of my life: 637 days ago
Married the love of my life: 197 days ago
Days until we meet our precious Mary: 76 days

I cannot believe it! 76 days is just too soon! The scary thing is that most doctors (and I'm starting to agree now) that Mary will come sooner than our due date. 76 days sounds so close. I can't believe it. I think about the last 197 days of my life and I am overcome with all the extreme emotions I have felt. We have had the best and worst days of our lives together. In 197 days of marriage, Sam and I have experienced things most couples will never had to deal with. As sad as I am that the days are getting smaller, I am overwhelmed with a thankful heart for 197 days with Sam by my side and with our Mary. On hopeful days I think 76 days until we get to meet our perfect daughter and hold and love her. On sad days, I think less than 76 days until we say hello and goodbye to our perfect daughter. Such a weird place to be. I can't imagine not being pregnant anymore. I can't ever remember what it feels like to be healthy and not pregnant. It has been a very rough journey on my body, but I don't want it to come to an end. I don't know what we are going to do when Mary isn't with us. Sure, she isn't really with us, but yet she is. Our lives are centered around our little tiny baby. 

I haven't felt her anymore since that day last week. It makes me thankful for that moment of feeling her move, but then it breaks my heart. All I want is for Sam to feel her move. I want to feel her moving inside of me to remind me she is still fighting. Sure, we listen to her heartbeat daily, but feeling movement helps make everything more real. I pray and pray and pray for all kinds of things for my daughter. The most simple of all, I want to feel her move. Sam is patient and reminds me she will move if and when she is big enough and strong enough. 

Wednesday is our amniocentesis. To say I'm anxious about Wednesday is an understatement. I am dreading getting a substitute for my class. I am dreading writing lesson plans. I am dreading seeing the needle. I am dreading the anxiety that is continually building. I am dreading a lot. BUT... I have to remind myself that we will get answers that will help us make big decisions for Mary's future. We will get answers and a diagnosis. We will be able to accept things because we will know. Please join us in prayer today and every day leading up to Wednesday. Pray for peace for us and our relationship, pray that my anxiety doesn't get the best of me, pray that Sam is able to not pass out from seeing the needle, pray that Mary is in a good position and that I still have enough fluid to do the test. The biggest prayer of all is that my uterus is able to relax after the procedure and that it doesn't lead to labor. I have been able to trust God completely through the whole process this far, I must remember to do so on Wednesday as well. Sam and I are both off for the day. After we are done, we will spend the day relaxing and being calm, focusing on our Mary. 

I will try to update as soon as we get some answers. If everything goes according to plan, we should have the preliminary answers on Thursday or Friday. The complete mirco-array DNA will take 2+ weeks. I am hoping to feel relief with answers. Even if it's Trisomy 13 we will have answers. I can plan to feel one way, but when the call actually comes...who knows. Trusting God will be put to the challenge again. Thankful to have Sam by my side (as always)....especially this week. 

To end on a positive note, below is a "sneak peak" of our maternity pictures. It was a very emotional day, but I know I will be so thankful for the pictures! 

A Week Of Never-Ending Appointments

I am happy to say that we survived our crazy week last week. It wasn't nearly as brutal as I was expecting it to be. Was I completely and totally exhausted physically and emotionally Friday evening? OH YES! I went back to work last week. I was both looking forward to it and dreading it. I don't know why I was worried; it was so good to be back. I am so blessed to work with the best staff around. They supported me and loved me through the whole week. I have to admit, I loved talking about Mary so much. Kids come tomorrow. Prayers are surely appreciated. I have a big class this year, full of kinders! I am so excited but also worried about getting tired. I don't know why I worry, everything always works out!

Last Monday we had our appointment with the perinatologist. She has been following us very closely and monitoring Mary. We also had another ultrasound (which I always love)! As usual I am in great spirits when we get there, and by the end of three hours I am in tears. This appointment was no exception. I ugly cried. I always go in with such hope of miracles, and while I can accept that she still has so many abnormalities, I can't handle making choices we have to. After our last ultrasound 4 weeks ago, we had pretty much decided on comfort care for Mary when she was born. After this ultrasound, I just don't know if I can make that choice. It is definitely still the decision my heart is leaning towards, but my mind gets in the way. I feel like if I commit to comfort care that I am "giving up" on Mary. I know this isn't the truth, but its a very real struggle right now. The more the pregnancy progresses, the deeper my love for Mary is. I CANNOT imagine my life without her. I know it's the reality of our situation, but it is so painful. Even though she is still comfy in my tummy, she is the focus and center of our lives. Everything we do, she is with us. I just love her to much. No mommy or daddy should ever be in this position. It's so painful. It really is pretty crazy though, how many lives she is touching. One little baby is making an impact on this world. We love her so much. 

Updates from the ultrasound: She is now 1lbs 3oz. She is measuring at 24 weeks gestation even though I was 27 weeks at the time. Her tummy is only measuring at 21 weeks gestation. Apparently this is very significant. She is so little, but she is so perfect in our eyes. She does appear to have some lung "matter". Could they use a more harsh term? She also has confirmed Spina Bifida. She has the most severe form of it too. It's called myelomeningocele. They couldn't get a good echo of her heart (which leads to my heartbreak over the decision of comfort vs. supportive care). I had low fluid still, but I still had some. The doctor couldn't believe it. Her one kidney is working so very hard. The biggest change though was the significant increase of fluid in her brain. The doctor said you don't normally see this with holoprosencephaly or hydranecelphaly. This makes the doctor think there may be a VERY slim chance all of this fluid on her brain stems from the severe Spina Bifida. The Spina Bifida wouldn't account for her heart condition or her lack of a fully functioning kidney. Every ultrasound there are new and significant findings. We really needs answers. Because of this, we have made the very hard decision of proceeding with an amniocentesis. Now that I am in my third trimester there is no chance of miscarriage, but there is a very, very small chance of it inducing labor. We really need answers. IF this is all Spina Bifida, then we would definitely chose supportive care. This is a big decision we need to know. If it is Trisomy 13, then comfort care will be our confirmed route. We need answers so we know how to best proceed with care for Mary and me from here on out. Our amniocentesis is scheduled for July 29. Please pray for peace and comfort for me (and Sam) as we move closer. To say I am scared is a huge understatement. I have been asked many times if I'm scared to get the "real" diagnosis. NO WAY. My heart has been begging for answers. I don't ever want to give up on her, so if we need to make big changes in our birth plan, then so be it! 

On Tuesday and Wednesday we met with the head neonatologists at both of the hospitals where we can deliver her. It was very interesting to hear their perspectives. We have talked to many doctors, but not any that focus on special babies. Both doctors are incredible. They want to be certain as to what she "has" before we make big decisions. I am also assured that if the amnio shows 13 or 18, that they will help us make our comfort care plan. The head doctor honestly told us he has been "losing sleep" over our case. He first heard of us at 19 weeks gestation and just wanted to meet us. He knew what he was talking about and was very honest and frank with us. Even if it is all Spina Bifida and we chose supportive care, Mary has a VERY long and difficult path ahead of her. He showed us the NICU. It's incredible at Chandler Regional. I was surprised that I didn't cry on our tour. All the nurses saw us walking around with the head neonatologist, I can only imagine what they are thinking. Obviously they know, we have a "special" baby. I am thankful to have these doctors on our team now. On Wednesday we went to Mercy Gilbert. I am pretty sure we will only chose this hospital if we are sure it's going to be comfort care. They don't have a NICU. The doctor and charge nurse were just as incredible. Unfortunately while we were there, we saw a baby fighting to survive and being transferred. I cried and cried. The beautiful thing was that the doctor and charge nurse got teary with me. They are human and shared that it is hard for them as well. I was so thankful for their honesty and emotion. 

Friday, I met with my OB where we talked about my health. The OB's we see are also so incredible. We are seen once a week to monitor my health. They are also sort of the "headquarters" as they are the head of our whole, huge team of doctors. Every week, whichever doctor we sees has read the newest reports. They spend time with us. Talking honestly with us. There is a little bit of talk about the size of Mary's head. If it continues to "grow" due to fluid on her brain, there is a possibility that she will have to be delivered by c-section. Please join us in prayer that this is not the path we are led to. There are many reasons having a c-section would be unfortunate. Obviously, whatever Mary needs, she will get. 

If you can believe me, this all is the very short version of our week. There are so many factors to include, so much emotion involved. So many conversations no one wants to have. We are so loved though. God has never left our side.  He continues to safeguard our marriage as we walk this journey as newlyweds. It would be a challenge for any marriage to walk this journey. Life and death, financial hardships, uncontrolled emotions, these are all trying on a marriage. God blesses Sam and I with unconditional love for one another too. We walk and work daily to stay strong and not become a statistic. God blesses us with small joys each day. He is so amazing. We will continue to praise the One who has chosen me (and us) to carry Mary. Please pray as we grow ever closer to our due date, that we continue to have faith and trust in Him. 

Memories, memories, memories!

It has been a while since I wrote last. This past week, Sam, Mary and I went to Coronado Island with my family. It was our first whole family vacation since I was a little girl. To say I was looking forward to it would be an understatement. Sam had no idea what he was in for. He was the only husband that went. I am so glad he put up with all of us Paris women for a week. I couldn't have imagined it without him. We made such special memories with Mary and my family. There was a lot of beach time, a lot of talking about what to do (coordinating 9 women and two toddlers is difficult), Sea World, late night games, and unlimited laughs with Macee and Liam. Half of the family stayed at Hotel Del Coronado and the other half (us) stayed at Glorietta Bay Inn. We walked back and forth quite often! It sounds strange, but for the first two days I didn't think of Mary in the same light. Everyone we were with knows about her (obviously), and loves her. I didn't have to worry about her or worry about someone asking questions. On the second day, when I realized this, it made me so happy. For two whole days I felt like your normal, pregnant woman. I didn't worry, think, stress, anything... I just enjoyed her. I sure wish I had more days like that. There are so many stories I could tell about our family vacation, but truth is, the chaos and stories of joy are much better in person! Below are some pictures that capture special and fun moments of our wonderful week on Coronado! 
I don't understand why I can't get them in chronological order! Oh well. :) 

These two brought so much joy to our week. Mary loved the time with her cousins even if they didn't realize she was there. 

The beautiful Del at sunrise on our last day. 

Liam Monster...He wanted off the plane already!

This little girl has my whole heart. I LOVE hearing her call me "JoJo".

The biggest pizza ever! This picture doesn't do justice. 

At Sea World... Macee put the hats on us... and then wouldn't smile. 

Melts. My. Heart. I can't wait for him to be a daddy. 

We also wanted off the plane! Liam wasn't alone... 

Since returning home two days ago, I am back to having to face reality. I go back to work this week. I am both super excited and dreading it. I can't wait to meet my new class, but I also know that my body will have a hard time getting through each day. Today, I also made it to the third and final trimester. I am having a hard time realizing that our journey with Mary is coming to an end. I love her so much, I can't imagine not having her with me...in me...anymore. This journey has been the hardest thing in the world and it has seemed to drag on... but now it's all coming to an end too quickly. Such a weird place to be. I never want this to end. This week is a big week for our little family. Monday, we have our next ultrasound. The doctors didn't expect me to make it to this one. I can't wait but yet am dreading the appointment. I can't wait to see how big she is. I can't wait to see her. I'm so worried though, it's never easy hearing everything that is wrong with your baby. We are also going to talk about her lungs this time... please pray I have had enough fluid for her lungs to develop. On Tuesday and Wednesday, we are meeting with the head neonatologist at both of the hospitals where we can deliver. We will hear what they have to say about Mary and make sure we are all on the same page for her birth. We will do tours of both L&D floors as well. After this week, we will pick the hospital where we will deliver her. Then Friday is my next appointment with the regular OB. My blood pressure has been pushing limits lately and now my feet and hands are very swollen. We would love for all the prayers we can get this week. It will probably be an emotionally exhausting week. Thursday (the only day we don't have an appointment) is "Meet The Teacher Night". It will be a long day, but a nice break from "reality". Saturday we are scheduled for our maternity pictures. What a week! Life is never dull in the Krause House. Every day is full of memories for our little family with our precious and perfect Mary. 

A Trip To Tucson That Made My Heart Smile

This past weekend, Mary and I got to go down to Tucson. I left Sam at home so he could have a MUCH deserved break from us. I am definitely not the easiest person in the world to be around all the time. I was only in Tucson for 2 days, but I had a great time. It felt so good to be "home". I do have to admit though, Tucson traffic sucks so much. Although I've only lived in Phoenix for one year, the freeways are so nice. 

My time in Tucson was spent focusing on, and loving Mary unconditionally. I got to spend time with my mom, Nani, my aunt (Aggie), my cousin (Allie), and my best friend Jessica. It was much needed for my heart. We started our adventures at church. I haven't been to my family church in well over a year. It was great to see many people who I know are praying for us. It was great to get hugs from people I have missed. I decided I was going to wear pants to church to really show off my baby bump. I hadn't worn pants in over two weeks due to the pain it causes me. I made the sacrifice to show off my baby, since this may be all most of the people at church ever see. Half way through church, I regretted my decision. I was counting down the minutes until I could change back into my dress. It really made me sad. I couldn't even go an hour in pants. It was a NOT needed reminder of my special, precious daughter. I continue to pray that she is not in any pain, but that I am taking all her pain for her. 

After church we went to Olive Garden (my favorite). It was very delicious and made both of us happy (I decided it made Mary happy as well). After lunch we went to find an outfit for maternity pictures. I hate shopping. I have hated it even before being pregnant. Shopping for pictures with Mary made the whole process even more painful. I must have tried everything on in the store. Thank goodness Nani and Aggie had patience. It was so hard for me. I know I should have been happy, but I wasn't. I was hot and emotional. I wanted my tummy to be bigger. I wanted to have maternity pictures at 38+ weeks with a huge belly and healthy baby. In reality, we will have maternity pictures ASAP. Not sure yet when or where, but ASAP. I found an outfit (pants of course). I will only wear them for pictures, but then I will save them for our future pregnancy. After finding an outfit, we went to Build-A-Bear. Ever since finding out about Mary, I have wanted to get a bunny for her. I have no idea why, it's just something I have felt strongly. I had been looking a lot, and nothing was working. I then realized there was a great one at Build-A-Bear. We went in and I went right to the bunny. Then I recorded Mary's heartbeat onto one of the noise things. We then stuffed her. The workers at Build-A-Bear had no idea how emotional this was for us. When I went to stuff the bunny, the worker asked if it was for my baby. I said yes and she was so excited. She had no idea I was on the verge of tears the whole time. I just wanted her to stuff the bear and let us pay and leave. She had me chose a heart for the bunny. I had to rug it on my head, arms, heart, eyes, ect with all these cute sayings so Mary would be strong and brave and healthy and travel. It almost killed me. I looked over and Aggie was crying. I just wanted to leave. As soon as that was over, we paid and left. They wanted us to dress her and name her and we wanted to leave. It was almost too much to do, but I have the best bunny for Mary. It plays her heartbeat when we press it. Her siblings will learn to love the bunny as we share stories of Mary with them. 

That night, my mom and Allie joined us as Nani's for chinese food. Again, it made me happy! We spent the evening laughing and having a great time. We also finished Mary's quilt. I had asked Nani to make Mary the same quilt she made me when I was a baby. We finished it and it's gorgeous. It will be something I treasure for ever and ever. Nani also made Mary the most beautiful white dress for baptism/cremation. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was a great night, full of love for Mary. Conversations were not what I dreamed of ever having, but I was so thankful for all the women in my life.

Monday morning I cute nearly 6 inches off my hair. Ever since I became pregnant, my ends of my hair had refused to curl. No one had ever seen such a thing. I just cut it off. It's so short. No one notices really except me, but man is it short. Lastly, I had lunch with my mom, Nani, and Jessica before heading home. Lunch was perfect. We laughed and we loved. I am so thankful for a best friend who supports me through this journey, even though it's hard for her. I said my goodbyes and headed back to Phoenix before the dust storms. It was an amazing and perfect trip to Tucson. I am attaching pictures below.  

Bunny with Mary's heartbeat in it! 

Rocking chair where I read to Mary daily from a children's Bible. 

Her crib that is perfect because of the quilt Nani made. 

This is her preemie outfit. The book was given to me by a dear friend, and the blanket I croqueted her. 

This is her micro preemie outfit, a quilt a friend sent us, and my quilt, and of course her bunny. 

The most perfect quilt for Mary. Just like her mommy's. 

My very loved quilt. 

Here is her outfit we will put on her when she comes. It is so tiny. My hand is just to give a size reference. 

A Challenging Week

Sometimes, this journey that Sam and I are walking through is just so hard. Other times, we are able to laugh and smile our way through the days. I don't really understand what makes the difference. Sometimes it's as stupid as a commercial, other times a conversation comes up with friends about their precious ones growing up. This week...has just been very hard. A few times this week, Mary's heartbeat has been a little whacky. It's always scary to hear that, but ultimately we know that there isn't anything we can do. Thank the Lord, each time her heartbeat and leveled back out. The doctor assured us that as long as it returns to "normal" within a day or so, we are good. We met with yet another new doctor on Thursday. We are seeing a new one every week because they want everyone to be comfortable with us as there is no guarantee who will deliver us. This week's doctor was fabulous. She came in and said the the main doctor had briefed the whole office on our situation and she was excited to meet us and walk this journey with us. I was blown away. I can't imagine it's easy having patients like us. It really warmed by heart. She answered a lot of questions we had. She talked about my blood pressure, which was good this week. We talked about all the warning signs to look for. It was a pretty typical appointment. The difference was, I didn't feel like we were an unfortunate burden for her. I honestly felt like she cared. It was awesome.

Right after our appointment, we headed to Ryan House. Now that we are at 25 weeks, it's time to start solidifying our birth and potentially death plans. I had so much anxiety over this appointment it was crazy. We got to Ryan House early so we had to wait. The house is such an amazing place. Yet, it is such an incredibly sad place as well. One of the nurses greeted us. She was so kind even though she was in the process of helping another family. As parents, Sam and I fit right in with all the families there. That reality sucks. I am so thankful for a place though that loves all kids with life-limiting conditions from conception, through their life on earth, and then through death. Someday, when Sam and I are millionaires, I can't wait to be a financial supporter of this organization. In time, I will also volunteer there as a way to honor our precious Mary. 

It was finally our turn to meet with the wonderful lady who continues to walk with us through our journey. We were taken into a quiet room that overlooks the memory garden. She touched base with us on how we are doing and all that typical stuff. I instantly started getting really hot and sweating. Sam wasn't hot at all, so I knew it was my emotions. We talked about how it's time to make plans. She explained that when I go into labor, or when I'm induced depending on the situation, to make sure we call her. She will be there to support us through the journey. She will make sure that the right tests are ordered after birth, she will make sure Mary is comfortable. Ugh. I started feeling sick as we talked about this. She explained what she will do for the big part of Mary's spine that outside (the spina bifida). She will cover it and make it the most comfortable. I wouldn't have even thought of things like that. We talked about how we will make sure Mary is comfortable for as long as she's with us. They will most likely give her some pain medicine. We can also provide oxygen for her, but she explained to us that oxygen won't do much because her brain controls the breathing and thats where she has the abnormality. We will probably do it anyways, it will make me feel better. The conversation then turned to how it's time to write all of this out. Ryan House will provide us a workbook of sorts where we will fill out every detail to make sure everything happens the way we want it. We have to make decisions like what kind of pain control will I use, will we want Mary monitored throughout the birth (if she's alive), who do we want in the room, who will baptize her, who will be doing pictures, which funeral home will be on standby. Such hard conversations. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried everything in my power to wrap up the conversation so we could leave. Ryan House will send us this "workbook" of sorts this weekend. When it's all done, Ryan House will send it to the hospital we chose and make sure the charge nurse is aware. It really is a beautiful system they have set up. I am so thankful for it. But it still....SUCKS. 

Once we were out and in the car, I just knew I was going to throw up. Sam and I were supposed to go to dinner afterwards, but I just wanted to be home. Sam was such a big support again and was totally fine taking me home. As we started driving, he looked over at me and said so lovingly, "It's okay to cry." Well then I lost it. I don't know where all these tears come from. God seems to be giving me an unlimited supply. Once we talked it through, and I cried it out, I felt much better. 

Yesterday we got a letter from my insurance company stating they are denying paying for some major tests because they are "not medically necessary" due to the fact that Mary still doesn't have a diagnosis. This really upset me. I cried so much again (see the tears just keep coming)! I called insurance and they were so rude. I cried as I explained that even though I am so young, I am most probably carrying a baby with Trisomy 13. I could have killed the woman, she had no compassion. I then called the doctor who was wonderful. They are going to help us fight it. It is such a small thing, but the medical bills are already piling up.... and it's tough because of course we are doing everything we can for Mary, but at the end of it, we won't have a precious bundle of joy to watch grow up. 

Today, Sam and I put together Mary's crib. Even though she probably won't get to use it, it was important to Sam that we have one. He stands by me and honors all kinds of things that are important to me, so I loved doing something for him. There are no words to describe accurately how I felt as I sat in the rocking chair, rocking Mary, as daddy put together her crib. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I was so proud of the man I call my husband. He rocked it like a champ. After it was done, we put all the special gifts we've been given for her in there. It now looks more like a nursery, but is something I'm going to have to get used to. This journey is so hard, but yet I will praise the One who has chosen me to carry Mary through it all. 

Sam, being the strongest daddy in the world. I love this man so much.

Her crib and rocking chair. The saddest nursery I've ever seen.

A Bittersweet Father's Day

Yesterday was definitely the most unique Father's Day I've ever experienced. I didn't see my dad yesterday (we will do Father's Day with him in a week or two), but I celebrated Sam being a daddy. All things considered, we had a great day. 

Saturday night, I had my meltdown. I had wanted to get Sam something to honor him on Father's Day. I know most dads don't celebrate if their baby isn't born yet, but of course we celebrated because we aren't sure what the future holds for our family. I searched the internet and looked and looked. The problem I had was that each time I found something I liked, it ended up being too upsetting to go out and get. Saturday night when Sam asked me what we should do on Sunday, I lost it. I told him how much I wanted to do something special for him, but yet I just wasn't brave enough. He is the most amazing man, and was just touched with the fact I thought about it. It just sucks so much that a simple commercial holiday, makes for an incredibly difficult day for us. I cried and cried, I want the world to see Sam as a daddy. I want to see him interact with Mary. I want to have memories with them. Sadly though, this reality may not come true (at least not now). So we make memories daily. After some cuddles from Sam, I felt better. It seems backwards that he was comforting me even though it was Father's Day. 

Yesterday morning Sam and I skipped church and went to see Jurassic World. We really enjoyed the movie. Even seeing a movie was difficult though. Everywhere around us were dads with their families. A lot of the ads were centered about dads and babies. There was this particular ad that was painful to watch, and they showed it twice! The second time they showed it, we laughed at how ironic this was. After the movie we took Sam's dad (and mom) to lunch. It was delicious. We then went back to his parents where we played games for a few hours. Right before we left, Sam's mom wanted a picture with Sam and his dad. Sam looked at me and said "I want a picture with my daughter too". He doesn't know this (until he reads it) but those words made my heart swell with pride. I almost lost it right there. The first few pictures were funny because Doug had his arm around Sam, and then Sam tried to put his arm around Mary (my belly)... it didn't really work! It was fun though. On our way home last night, the reality of the day finally hit Sam, which in turn really hit me. After a few sad moments, we were able to finish the day together, on a happy positive note. 

It was a great day. Sure, there were some very hard moments, but overall we had a great day. I thank God all the time for Sam. It takes an incredibly strong man to walk through a situation like with the courage and patience he has. I can imagine I am not the easiest or happiest person to live with, but  yet he does it daily with a smile on his face and unconditional love flowing from his heart! Mary and I are very blessed women. 

A Little Bit of Heaven on Earth

We got home from San Diego yesterday but I was too tired to write.  It's crazy to me how tired I was yesterday from just riding in a car. It took zero effect on my part yet I was so tired. We had an absolutely amazing weekend in San Diego on the beach. There is so much in my heart to say about our weekend with Mary, yet most of it I want to keep to ourselves. We laughed in San Diego and we cried. We celebrated and we mourned. Despite our up and down emotions, we were really able to relax and just have some fun. Something really crazy happened too, my blood pressure was lower there. I was just in a different state of mind on our little get away. Nothing really mattered. We had nothing to do by any given time. 

I was also shocked by my body. I got winded so easily. It's almost embarrassing to admit, but just going up the stairs I would be out of breath. It was another reminder that my body is struggling to meet every one of Mary's needs. I got really frustrated a few times by it and would cry. I don't understand how in 5.5 months time, I can go from running with no trouble, to struggling to catch my breath while walking up stairs. Obviously I'd live the rest of my life feeling nauseous and winded with a racing heart if it meant I could have my Mary. It's so hard though to think that my body is giving everything it has, and ultimately Jesus may be calling her home. I guess this is the part of the pregnancy I'm struggling with most. The physical part of this pregnancy. It's completely wearing me down to feel nauseous all the time. My heart is always working extra hard (my average heartbeat this pregnancy has been 110), my lungs are struggling to give both of us the air we need. I can't wear pants or anything tight on my belly for more than a few minutes before I am so uncomfortable due to the low fluid.  The unfortunate part is that this all follows me wherever I go. It even came to California with us. The very fortunate part is that I have the best husband in the world who goes above and beyond to help me through this difficult times. 

Our journey with Mary began in San Diego, so the city will forever hold an extra special place in our hearts. Sitting on the beach, with Sam snuggled next to us, was as close to heaven as I can imagine on earth. We sat as a family together, enjoying the sights and sounds of the waves. Mission beach was VERY crowded as it's right in the middle of summer. Everywhere we looked there was a young family with a baby/toddler little girl. My heart ached with jealously as that is all I want.  I realized quickly, that I needed to focus on my Mary, snuggled inside of me instead of looking all around. God has blessed me so greatly with our family. Sure, it will always look different than most onlookers see it, but I am so thankful we got to take Mary back to the ocean. Sam went on a walk down the beach and brought me back the tiniest little sand-dollar. I will forever keep that and treasure it as a souvenir of our family get-a-way with Mary. We loved every second of our trip. We also talked a lot, and told Mary that whenever she is ready, or if she is ever in pain, that we want her to earn her wings and fly back home to paradise. As a mommy, it kills me to think of the potential pain she is experiencing. I want to take it all from her but I can't. Sam and I continue to pray for a miracle of total healing, but we are also coming to terms with the idea that God may have other plans. We told Mary that we will be very sad, but we will get through it. I never, ever want her to experience any pain. 

Tonight we went to my sister's house to tell her, her husband and the boys goodbye as they are going to France for a few weeks. Much to my surprise, Matisse didn't talk about Mary. I was so thankful for this, not because I don't want her talked about, but because it makes me so sad to hear all his plans of what he's going to do with Mary. Matisse and Liam made all of us paper bracelet that had "magic powers" in them. He told me again and again tonight that my magic "power" is to be "brave".  Sam's is "strength". This boy never ceases to give me hope and bring me pure joy. He has no idea how much I need that "super power" right now. It was so fitting though. As we get further along in this pregnancy, I will have to remember that Matisse told me I'm "brave" and Sam is "strong". Just as a side-note, Sissy (my big sister) got the magic power of "kicking", we definitely had a good laugh at that one. 

Below are just two pictures of our little family. Tonight, I thank God for Sam and Mary. My heart is so full of thankfulness for my little family.