I was also shocked by my body. I got winded so easily. It's almost embarrassing to admit, but just going up the stairs I would be out of breath. It was another reminder that my body is struggling to meet every one of Mary's needs. I got really frustrated a few times by it and would cry. I don't understand how in 5.5 months time, I can go from running with no trouble, to struggling to catch my breath while walking up stairs. Obviously I'd live the rest of my life feeling nauseous and winded with a racing heart if it meant I could have my Mary. It's so hard though to think that my body is giving everything it has, and ultimately Jesus may be calling her home. I guess this is the part of the pregnancy I'm struggling with most. The physical part of this pregnancy. It's completely wearing me down to feel nauseous all the time. My heart is always working extra hard (my average heartbeat this pregnancy has been 110), my lungs are struggling to give both of us the air we need. I can't wear pants or anything tight on my belly for more than a few minutes before I am so uncomfortable due to the low fluid. The unfortunate part is that this all follows me wherever I go. It even came to California with us. The very fortunate part is that I have the best husband in the world who goes above and beyond to help me through this difficult times.
Our journey with Mary began in San Diego, so the city will forever hold an extra special place in our hearts. Sitting on the beach, with Sam snuggled next to us, was as close to heaven as I can imagine on earth. We sat as a family together, enjoying the sights and sounds of the waves. Mission beach was VERY crowded as it's right in the middle of summer. Everywhere we looked there was a young family with a baby/toddler little girl. My heart ached with jealously as that is all I want. I realized quickly, that I needed to focus on my Mary, snuggled inside of me instead of looking all around. God has blessed me so greatly with our family. Sure, it will always look different than most onlookers see it, but I am so thankful we got to take Mary back to the ocean. Sam went on a walk down the beach and brought me back the tiniest little sand-dollar. I will forever keep that and treasure it as a souvenir of our family get-a-way with Mary. We loved every second of our trip. We also talked a lot, and told Mary that whenever she is ready, or if she is ever in pain, that we want her to earn her wings and fly back home to paradise. As a mommy, it kills me to think of the potential pain she is experiencing. I want to take it all from her but I can't. Sam and I continue to pray for a miracle of total healing, but we are also coming to terms with the idea that God may have other plans. We told Mary that we will be very sad, but we will get through it. I never, ever want her to experience any pain.
Tonight we went to my sister's house to tell her, her husband and the boys goodbye as they are going to France for a few weeks. Much to my surprise, Matisse didn't talk about Mary. I was so thankful for this, not because I don't want her talked about, but because it makes me so sad to hear all his plans of what he's going to do with Mary. Matisse and Liam made all of us paper bracelet that had "magic powers" in them. He told me again and again tonight that my magic "power" is to be "brave". Sam's is "strength". This boy never ceases to give me hope and bring me pure joy. He has no idea how much I need that "super power" right now. It was so fitting though. As we get further along in this pregnancy, I will have to remember that Matisse told me I'm "brave" and Sam is "strong". Just as a side-note, Sissy (my big sister) got the magic power of "kicking", we definitely had a good laugh at that one.
Below are just two pictures of our little family. Tonight, I thank God for Sam and Mary. My heart is so full of thankfulness for my little family.
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