Saturday night, I had my meltdown. I had wanted to get Sam something to honor him on Father's Day. I know most dads don't celebrate if their baby isn't born yet, but of course we celebrated because we aren't sure what the future holds for our family. I searched the internet and looked and looked. The problem I had was that each time I found something I liked, it ended up being too upsetting to go out and get. Saturday night when Sam asked me what we should do on Sunday, I lost it. I told him how much I wanted to do something special for him, but yet I just wasn't brave enough. He is the most amazing man, and was just touched with the fact I thought about it. It just sucks so much that a simple commercial holiday, makes for an incredibly difficult day for us. I cried and cried, I want the world to see Sam as a daddy. I want to see him interact with Mary. I want to have memories with them. Sadly though, this reality may not come true (at least not now). So we make memories daily. After some cuddles from Sam, I felt better. It seems backwards that he was comforting me even though it was Father's Day.
Yesterday morning Sam and I skipped church and went to see Jurassic World. We really enjoyed the movie. Even seeing a movie was difficult though. Everywhere around us were dads with their families. A lot of the ads were centered about dads and babies. There was this particular ad that was painful to watch, and they showed it twice! The second time they showed it, we laughed at how ironic this was. After the movie we took Sam's dad (and mom) to lunch. It was delicious. We then went back to his parents where we played games for a few hours. Right before we left, Sam's mom wanted a picture with Sam and his dad. Sam looked at me and said "I want a picture with my daughter too". He doesn't know this (until he reads it) but those words made my heart swell with pride. I almost lost it right there. The first few pictures were funny because Doug had his arm around Sam, and then Sam tried to put his arm around Mary (my belly)... it didn't really work! It was fun though. On our way home last night, the reality of the day finally hit Sam, which in turn really hit me. After a few sad moments, we were able to finish the day together, on a happy positive note.
It was a great day. Sure, there were some very hard moments, but overall we had a great day. I thank God all the time for Sam. It takes an incredibly strong man to walk through a situation like with the courage and patience he has. I can imagine I am not the easiest or happiest person to live with, but yet he does it daily with a smile on his face and unconditional love flowing from his heart! Mary and I are very blessed women.
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