Delivery Day: Do I Regret Any Of This?

Time is very weird right now. It is passing so, so slowly, yet so quickly. It's been six weeks since we had our Mary. Everything about this journey is just so difficult. I don't think a single part of it has been easy or gone according to plan. Insurance and bills are complicated. Some bills they get my insurance information correct, then the next it's completely wrong. Some days I think I'm finally feeling better, than nights like last night hit and I feel physically like I just delivered Mary. I was supposed to be released back to work, but yesterday the doctor wouldn't. She says I need more time as my body is still struggling. Then there are my emotions. Some days I think I'm okay. Then something silly will send me spiraling. Life is passing and the rest of the world is coming to terms that Mary is gone and everyone is returning to normal lives. I completely understand that. I am thankful for that. At the same time, my world is not at all back to normal. I am struggling to return to "normal". Actually, life will never be the same. It's frustrating for me, and therefore Sam, to keep hitting one road block then another. Earlier this week, I was asked if "I regretted carrying Mary, and not aborting, because you aren't working or making any money, paying huge bills, and not getting healthy." I know the intention was good, they are sad and frustrated for me because I'm struggling. I paused and then immediately responded with "absolutely not!" All of those things are true. Bills are expensive, not working means no money, my body is sick and struggling, everything is a struggle BUT Mary is the best thing to happen to me. I would do it again and again if I could spend another hour and forty six minutes with Mary. Trusting God while carrying Mary was hard because I couldn't come to terms with her fatal diagnosis. I didn't want to trust him because I wanted immediate assurance that everything would be okay. Trusting God while swimming in debt, failing health, a grieving broken hearted, and trying to learn to live with a daughter in heaven is equally as hard. I have always like control. I hate where we are right now. I hate not knowing how we will get through each month. With all this being said, I still trust God completely. It is a challenge to work through this, but I know Sam and I have a deep love and devotion for one another, and our faith in our God is even deeper. We have been tested and tested, and still are being tested but I stand in awe at how many great things have come from this experience. We will continue to trust that God will again bring us through our new challenges. 

Below are pictures I have been wanting to share for a while now. They are more pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are so special to us. They aren't as cute as the previous pictures of us cuddling and loving Mary, but these pictures mean way more to us. They tell a story through pictures that we will never forget. They show the miracle of her birth, the love of our whole family, and her baptism and dedication to God. These pictures tell a story that has changed our lives forever. They are in no particular order. Maybe I should have put them in order, but I think it's symbolic of our journey. Nothing has gone in order, but it is all beautiful and praise-worthy.

Here, Jacob is baptizing Mary. This is one of my favorite pictures. This is one of the only "normal" things were were able to do for our daughter. She was baptized on my chest. Sam and I are so thankful to Jacob baptizing her in the middle of chaos and uncertainty. 

This is another one of my favorite and most special pictures. They allowed Sam to cut Mary's umbilical chord. All the doctors around her, trying to help her, but they honored and included Sam as daddy. 

This is Dr. Z handing Sam Mary for the first time. Because she was alive, Dr. Z covered her spine on the outside of her body from the Spina Bifida to make sure she wasn't in any pain. Even through Sam said he was scared to death, he looks like a natural to me!

Sam had just taken off his shirt as I was getting ready to hand Mary to him. He continued Kangaroo Care for her when I was no longer able to. 

There are no words to describe how much this picture means to me! This was our whole family, both sides, surrounding Mary, and us, in love and prayer. She was the most loved baby. Everyone was there and held her after she passed. She has the best family ever! The hospital was amazing for allowing this. 

Family starting to come up quietly and look and meet Mary while she was with us. 

Love. 

More friends and family meeting Mary. There were even some smiles. She was and is our miracle!

This picture is while they were struggling to get Mary out. C-sections are scary, especially when you know your baby is stuck. Sam held my hand wiped my tears until the minute Mary was born. He never left our sides. 

The room is nearly silent here, at least that's how I remember it. Mary was born but there was no cry. I had no idea if she was alive or not. Jacob is holding my hand here. I clearly remember her words as they will forever be a gift.. "She's alive. Praise God, she's alive! Sam will bring her to you very soon." 

A few of the happiest moments of my life. Things change so quickly, but I was so thankful for the happy moments. 

Joy and greif collide. 

Support and love for Sam as he was giving his girls everything he had. 

Sam never left my side. He did everything he could for us. 

Family still meeting the newest member of the family. 

Sissy, my big sister, was at every single ultrasound with us through our journey. She and Mary have a special relationship. I remember her words so clearly as well here, "She's precious, it's like I already know you Mary."

This picture breaks my heart. The heartache is so evident. 

This is my wonder team right here... My sisters and Sam! Loving Mary, talking care of sick me, and ever present through the entire journey. 

Immediately following the surgery, you usually have to spend 1-1.5 hours in recovery before seeing family. Chandler Regional made an except for us and allowed us to go back to L&D so our family could be present. All the doctors and nurses moved from the OR to our room where they continued to care for both of us. Sam never let go of us. Moments before Mary met the rest of her family. 

The GOOD, The Bad, And The UGLY

Sunday was the one month anniversary of us saying hello and goodbye to our precious Mary Margaret. The good news, we survived! The bad news, the day was really, really difficult. I have been writing and rewriting this post for several days now. This is the first time I have done that. I usually just pour my heart out, don't even edit and hit 'publish'. For some reason, this one has been particularly difficult. 

The UGLY all really started Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning and all I could think about was that tomorrow would be a month since I lost my pride and joy. I got up though, and we had a pretty good day. I felt like I was carrying around this "heaviness" though... it was weird. Saturday night was Asher's first birthday. Asher is the son of our best friends Jacob and Amanda. Jacob and Amanda have been by our side through the whole journey with Mary. Jacob even baptized Mary in the OR once she was born. They have been a support for us emotionally and spiritually. Saturday was Asher's birthday party as it was his actual birthday. I debated on whether or not I should go to the party. I love Asher. He is a "safe" baby as I call it. He was born and in our life before we conceived Mary. I can be around him just fine and actually enjoy it. I love the way he stares into my soul, it makes me laugh. I wanted to be there to show my love and appreciation for Jacob and Amanda and my love for Asher, but I was less than excited about being around lots of other babies and toddlers and moms and dads. I just don't where we are supposed to fit in in situations like that. When Sam goes with the guys, they often don't talk about babies. Women are wired differently and I am no exception. We will talk babies, and poop, and not sleeping all the time. My heart longs for conversations like that, but I can't really participate. I hate to bring Mary up, not because I'm embarrassed of her, but because I hate to make people uncomfortable. The truth is, a lot of people don't know how to act around me. I just desire to be "normal". I wish I could bring Mary up and not have people pity more or feel uncomfortable. The reality is though, many, many people do. So I don't talk about her. But then I feel guilty for not talking about her because she is my baby. This is why I avoid social situations with lots of kids unless they are in my "safe" group. I decided to go though because Sam wanted me too and I wanted to support him with his friends. He does a lot for me!! The least I could do was put on make up and go to a party with him. Once we got there though, I was almost instantly uncomfortable. As much as I tried not to be. I felt so bad being there. I fought back tears the whole time. I didn't know who to talk to or where to go. All I knew was that I did not want to take away from Jacob, Amanda and Asher's special day. I wished I hadn't gone for that reason. After a few hours of being there, I couldn't do it anymore. When everyone sang Happy Birthday to Asher, Sam and I walked inside. I love Asher, but all I could think about was that we would never been singing Happy Birthday to Mary. She will never have a big party or eat a piece of cake. It was almost to much to think about. That heaviness I had when I woke up Saturday morning was way more intense. I finally lost it. Sam was with the guys, having a good time. That made my heart so happy to see him smiling and having fun. I couldn't pull him away from that. I decided to call my best friend Jessica. She's far away, but I knew she wouldn't judge me. She couldn't understand me as I cried, but she understood the best she could. Sam eventually realized I wasn't around and came and found me. He held me, once again, as I cried and cried. It was ugly. We were in the backyard. I felt so bad for losing it on such a special day. We realized it was time to go, even if that meant skipping dinner. I gathered myself together as we had to walk through the house say goodbye to everyone. When I cry, it's obvious, so everyone inside knew. Then something amazing happened. They loved me regardless of falling apart. We said our goodbyes and left. I sobbed the whole way home. The anxiety of Sunday being so close was almost too much to bear. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. It was a long night. 

Sunday morning rolled around unfortunately, as it always does, and Sam and I decided to skip church. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself together. We decided to work in our backyard and garden. On Saturday we had decided to turn it into our butterfly garden, for Mary. We spent the whole morning working together and getting all dirty. It was nice. Then, coincidentally, Sunday was also the first Packers game. I wasn't excited, but I kept telling myself that Mary would be happy that her daddy was happy watching the game. Sam's parents and my dad came over. We had lunch and all watched the game. Throughout the day, I was able to pretend to be ok. I am a great pretender. That afternoon Sam had arranged for me to get a massage. It was great, but it wasn't the most relaxing because I couldn't stop replaying the same hours... just a month earlier. I felt better after the massage though. The massage therapist could not believe how tight I was. I told her that was nothing compared to how my heart was feeling. Sunday night, Sam and I went to dinner, just the two of us. It was great. I happened to look down at my watch and realized it was just 3 minutes before the dreaded minute that we lost our Mary. I fell apart inside...but I should have fallen apart to Sam. We went home and unfortunately didn't have a good night. I was so upset and depressed. 

Monday was a horrible day. I will spare the details as I have written them out many times and deleted them. I couldn't get myself to do anything. I was not happy. I was not okay. We had the pulmonologist. I STILL have pneumonia and have two small nodules in my lungs. He is assuming they are from the severe pneumonia. I have one more month of treatment and rest before more xrays and lung function tests. This really, really, really upset me. All I want is to be healthy and I can't get there. I will be starting back to work still not "healthy" and that was my number one goal. Then we had counseling. It was good but hard. I fell apart for the first time in it. Monday night was the tipping point. Like I said, I will spare the details, but our house was not a fun place to be. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't make a single decision about anything. I had no hope for the future. My heart just ached so much to have Mary back. Everything was just so overwhelming. 

Tuesday morning, we decided it was time to get help. This is the hardest thing to admit, but I have been diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression). I feel like it is such a taboo subject. Unless you have ever lived through PPD or depression, it is something you can't describe. I have been struggling for a little bit but it has been okay, until this past weekend. Sam and I kept it private because, well, I'm not sure. It's not easy to admit it. It is something many women struggle with but don't talk about. I felt so, so alone. It was yesterday we finally let our family in on "our secret" and today I share with the world. I have been so open and honest this far, I feel like I want to continue. It is my hope and prayer that by speaking up, I let other moms know it is okay. Just because we are depressed and suffering from postpartum, we are okay. We are good moms. We are human. Just as I have kept my faith and cried out to God through the whole process... I continue to do so. I have no doubt that He will get me through this. He will get Sam through this. Although I am the one who is fighting this battle, Sam is fighting a different one. He so desperately wants to help me and this time there is no set answer on what that looks like. Sometimes its holding me when I cry and scream. Sometimes it's keeping me busy and out of the house. Sometimes it's reminding me I AM a mom. Sometimes it's calling to just check in. God will bring us through this, just as he brought us through saying hello and goodbye to our precious and perfect daughter. We will continue to praise God through this storm as well! 

Rejoice and praise God for our miracle baby, Mary Margaret! 

Just Some Thoughts...

Today is a hard day. It has been four weeks since I said hello and goodbye to Mary. I know that Sunday is actually the "one month anniversary" but today is hard too. The anxiety I have building, in regards to Sunday, is crazy. The emotion of it all is sometimes too much. I hate how when I think about the decent future, everything is centered around Mary's milestones. Most moms look forward to milestones. Not me. I see the milestone of one month, her due date, two months, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas just to name a few. None of these "milestones" am I looking forward to. All of them make me sick to my stomach. All of them I have to talk and plan for. All of them I have to guard my heart and make a "plan" for the day and how I'm going to "get through it". As I sit here tonight, not even sure what to do to fill my time until bedtime, I decided to write. Below are some pictures I have come across in the last four weeks. I think they give a good glimpse into the life of a mommy without a baby. 

I LOVE THIS PICTURE! I have no idea who painted it, but it might be my favorite piece of art. I can just see my own love for Mary in the reflection. Sure, my tummy never got as big, and I never got to hold Mary like this, but she is my baby. When I looked into the mirror when I was carrying her, I had dreams and hopes for our life. Now when I look in the mirror, I see reminders of the beautiful daughter we have in heaven. 

The piece was painted by Anna Rose Bain and is called the "The Wait and the Reward".  

Amen! Love never gives up. When the day is too hard to face, I remind myself I am a wife to an amazing husband and I must press forward. Love never gives up. Mary wants me to continue healing and growing. 

The San Diego beach is a very special place for us. This picture reminds me of Mary. I will always carry her in my heart. I can't wait to go back to the beach, it will be bittersweet. 

This is the truth! I don't really struggle with depression, but I fight anxiety constantly. It is a horrible place to be. I have no shame in admitting I struggle. By admitting I struggle, I am taking care of myself and my family. 

There are no words for this except THIS IS THE TRUTH!

Right now I am experiencing the indescribable journey of survival. I hope and pray that someday soon, I learn to thrive... for Mary! <3  

Loving and Living

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much. As we are drawing closer to the first month anniversary of us saying "hello" and "goodbye" to Mary, the days are getting harder. I keep thinking of what life would be like if we had her in our arms. I also think about how big I would be if I was still pregnant. How would I be feeling? Would I be able to feel her kick and move yet? Everywhere we go, everything we do, she comes up in our conversations and we realize we will never have her back. Every night, we cuddle with our Mary bear. I love having Mary bear, but I miss having her. It's all just not fair. The better I feel physically, the more I miss Mary; he more I realize how different our lives now are. We are mommy and daddy, living life without our newborn baby. 

I have been struggling with my body image lately. I know that makes me a "normal" woman and new mommy. The strange thing though, is that I both love and hate my body. I am completely in awe of how strong my body has been. My body carried a baby to 32 weeks that should have never made it past conception. My body endured preeclampsia for 72 hours BEFORE birth, and then even more severe preeclampsia after birth. My body was cut 10 inches open to deliver a baby that it wasn't ready to give up yet. My body continues to carry me through pneumonia.  My body carried 15lbs of water weight for no reason. My body is keeping me going through the toughest time of my life. My body is also beautiful. It tells a story that is so glorifying to God. I have stretch marks the world may never see, but they remind me of my amazing daughter. My breasts were able to produce milk to feed a baby that is no longer here. My body didn't know had gone to heaven, so it tried for over two weeks to give me the means to provide the best care for a baby. My body is a beautiful thing I am so thankful for. My body also makes me cry harder than it should. My body makes me disgusted. All those beautiful things I just named also break my heart. I now have a body that "looks" like I just had a baby. I have lost 20 pounds already, but yet I have 30 more pounds to lose that I gained to carry Mary. I didn't realize that once I delivered, I wouldn't just magically fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I hate to wear maternity clothes because they make me sad, but yet I'm not thin enough to fit into my normal clothes. I look in the mirror and I see a mommy with no baby, and all the weight to prove it. It's an odd place to be. I never expected my body to be a trigger for my grief. When I have negative self thoughts, I try to remind myself how blessed I am by my body. I need to love my body. God has given me a body that has done simply amazing things within the last year!

Yesterday Sam and I went to Sedona and Oak Creek Canyon. It was something that I had so badly wanted to do when we had Mary. Unfortunately, we were never able to. We decided that we would go, just the two of us, and have fun and we knew she'd be with us throughout the day. I was so looking forward to the day. I woke up yesterday in the worst mood. I was grumpy. I had no clothes that fit. I had nothing I looked good in. I didn't want to go because I didn't have Mary. As always, Sam held me as I cried and processed. He loved me and was patient with me. Once I acknowledged the fact that I was upset and missing Mary, my whole perspective changed. We finally got out of the house and had an amazing day. We had so much fun! We sang worship songs at the top of lungs on the way up. We enjoyed the beauty. We played and laughed and loved by the creek. We enjoyed God's amazing earth and we knew Mary was happy that we were having fun. Throughout the day, we both made comments about  Mary, memories we realized we won't be making with her. We then realized we were making memories together and honoring her beautiful life. We laughed, I cried more, and we had fun! The day went nothing like we expected but that was totally okay. We took backroads home due to HORRIBLE traffic, we got stuck in an incredible storm, we had our picnic in the car instead of in the forest, we stopped at outlets and got me a few shirts that make me feel more attractive. We had no agenda and no one to worry about except each other. I had wanted to hike and play more in Oak Creek Canyon, but my body is just not ready. I listened when my body told me it was time to rest. We ate Dairy Queen in Oak Creek Canyon and talked about our amazing daughter. We know she would have loved the canyon just as much as her mommy. We also know that she would have loved to run and play with her daddy as I sat and watched. We trust God and know someday we will have other children to make these memories with. And the best part is we know Mary is watching and loving us. She wouldn't want us to stop our lives in grief. We miss her so much, but we are honoring her by trying to move forward and keeping her memory alive. We saw a few butterflies yesterday in the forest and we were reminded that God will carry us through and Mary is with us.

Where would I be without his man? 

Being in the mountains brings such peace to my heart. 

Having fun!

Trying to love all of me!

Best Dairy Queen!