Deep Sorrow and Extreme Joy

Christmas is two days away. My heart and head are a mess. There are not adequate words to describe the deep sorrow and extreme joy I am experiencing this Christmas season. From the very first days we found out we were expecting, Sam and I talked about Christmas this year. We were beyond excited to have our own baby with us. All the cousins would be together at Nani's house and it would be magical. Our baby would be so little and precious. The conversations about traveling between Phoenix and Tucson were joy filled as we were just beside ourselves with excitement to share the best day of the year with our child. Then when "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) came, some of our first thoughts were about how different Christmas was actually going to be. Christmas thoughts were some of the first shattered dreams we had. Instead of the extreme joy we were anticipating, we are experiencing a deep emptiness of what should be. 

We are in an odd place. I feel like we are always in an odd place. We have really tried hard as a couple to enjoy the Christmas season. It is our first Christmas married! We mustered all of our strength and we decorated our house. Sam worked so hard to decorate the outside of our house with lots of lights. I decorated the inside. We put up our big tree. We decorated our Mary Christmas tree. We bought Christmas presents and wrapped them all. We have watched numerous Christmas movies. We had attended church every week. To us, this is a big accomplishment. There are many mommies and daddies we have come to know that are not physically capable of doing that this year. That is okay. Each person and couple are different. We thank God for providing His strength and comfort during the hardest season of our lives. We try really hard to remember that Mary is in heaven, experiencing the most beautiful Christmas. Far more beautiful than we can even comprehend. We are experiencing a deep joy this season that wouldn't be possible if we didn't have such a strong faith in Him. We are not always happy, and there have been days, like yesterday, where I can't get myself to do anything. Days like yesterday where I cancel plans I was so looking forward to because the pain is just too much to handle. Even on those super dark days, in my heart, I have joy because this year, more than ever in my life, I appreciate the real meaning of Christmas. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Friday is Christmas. It has come upon us so quickly. I have no way to anticipate how I will react and feel. I wonder will I cry? Will I be angry? Will I have short patience? Will I be quiet? Will I be my normal happy self? I have come to realize there is no way to guess. I will be and act just the way I need to. I am so thankful that we have to courage and strength to continue our traditions this year and not just stay home and hide. I am thankful for Sam, and his strength to lead me through these hard times. I am thankful for our family, who will let us know, even without saying it, that they understand and accept us for where we are now. I am thankful for Mary and the fact she is our perfect first born daughter. I am thankful that God gave her to us and that these days are so hard because we LOVED HER SO MUCH. 

As we begin our Christmas celebrations, I ask that you take a few quiet moments in the days to come, and just reflect on how blessed you are. Tell your family how much you love them. Laugh hard. Live in the moment. Soak up each day for what it is. Christmas is such a special time, and yet for so many, it is so hard. There is always something to be thankful for, and I encourage you to search deep and focus on that if the next days are tough. 

Below are two songs. I think they perfectly describe the way I am feeling right now. Extremely different from one another, but thats my life right now. The first is by Plumb and the second is by Josh Groban. 

Merry Christmas! 

A Different Kind Of Christmas

I survived the three month anniversary. I survived Thanksgiving. I have also come to realize a pattern to my grieving. The anxiety leading up to the "day" or big events is so much worse than the actual day. For a good week before a big day where we will be really missing Mary, I am a mess. I am super grumpy, get mad over stupid things, cry so much, and am just not a pleasant person inside our house. Then something crazy happens, the big "day" comes and I'm in a great mood and counting my blessings. I have no idea why this is my pattern for grieving. I guess it's just me. I am learning to identify when this is happening and trying to work through it with Sam. We talk things through and I usually feel better. I hope that I continue to have this strength as we approach my birthday and especially Christmas. 

Each time we walk through Target and see all the adorable "baby's first Christmas"outfits, my heart shatters. It is probably the most brutal reminder that our arms are Maryless. I stop and hold the outfits. I don't know why I do this to myself. Sam always tries to keep me walking, but I'm just drawn to them. It is Mary's first Christmas, it's just that she's spending it in heaven. As her mommy, I miss her being in my arms, creating memories with her, starting new traditions. Then I remember she is in heaven and is perfect. She gets to celebrate Christmas with the One we honor on Christmas day. How incredible it must be in heaven at Christmas time! 

Lately I have been struggling with a nagging guilty feeling. I see many, many mommies who have lost their babies and children who are writing and sharing that she can't get into the Christmas spirit at all. They share that their grief and pain is so deep that they aren't able to decorate, shop, ect. I know each and every person is different and grieves in their own way, but it has made me feel guilty at time. Sam and I spent all last weekend decorating our house for Christmas. Our front yard is beautiful! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated it. There were definitely hard times in the process, but we enjoyed it. We have been Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music. I wonder if I'm being a bad mommy by not being more depressed. As I write it out, it sounds silly. My heart is completely broken. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back with me. With that being said, I also know that Mary wouldn't want me to be miserable. I thank God so much for her. I wake up each morning and do my bible study. I write down things each morning I am thankful for. It really helps me. While I am very, very, very anxious about the pain I will feel Christmas without Mary, I am enjoying the Christmas season as much as I can. I cry almost every day on my way to school as I think about Mary and listen to music. Then I get to work and muster the strength to get out and end up having really good days. I can say that because what we have been through in the last year, we have a much richer appreciation for the true meaning of Christmas. The world is so much more beautiful in my eyes since I had Mary. I appreciate and savor the small things. 

We are starting a new family tradition in our house this year. We are going to get a real, small Christmas tree that we will place in our family room where we spend most of our time. We have our big, beautiful tree as well. We are going to call it our "Mary Christmas Tree". This year we are putting all our ornaments we received for our wedding. We are also putting all the special ornaments we got for Mary on them. Each year we will add one new special ornament for our Mary Margaret. When we have more children, we will get each of them a special ornament as well. It will be our special way of incorporating Mary into Christmas each and every year. 

The last thing I want to share is a picture that was posted in a group on Facebook I belong to. It was really powerful to me for a few reasons. 

I have many friends who have also lost a child. It's an exclusive club that NO ONE should ever be part of. I think hands-down, this is the best gift you could give any of us at any time. Whether it's our first Christmas, like this year, or in fifteen years. We don't bring up our children a lot because we don't want people to be or feel awkward. The reality is, we are thinking of our little ones and would LOVE to talk about them. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or sad,  I just want to keep her memory alive. I don't want sympathy. I just want to talk about Mary. I just want to remember that our family is one person less that it "should" be. I just want to talk about how our little family is different because we have a child in heaven. Sam and I are so blessed to have had a beautiful daughter who made an impact on this world. We want to celebrate her memory this season as we can't hold her in our arms and shower her with gifts.