Mother's Day 2017

Today is a day to celebrate all the wonderful moms in our lives. I have an amazing mother. I love her with all my heart and soul and being. She means the world to me. I have a great mother-in-law, step-mom, Nani, grandma, and two beautiful sisters. I am so very blessed. I have so much to celebrate today. I have women to love on and pamper. 

I am also a mother. I am a mother of two perfect children. Mary Margaret, my daughter, and Benjamin Douglas, my son. I am a mother to two perfect children. Sadly, today I can only hold and cuddle one of them. My heart is so full of joy today and also so full of sorrow. I know it's been a year and nine months since I held Mary, but Mother's Day will also be a day I struggle. I pray some day I can "move on" but that's not where I am at yet. 

Two years ago, we did our Gender Reveal Party on Mother's Day. Our families went all out and made the day so special for us. The problem is, looking back at it, it may be the single worst day of my journey carrying Mary. We had a house full of our family and everyone we love so much. There were pink and blue things everywhere. There was yummy and delicious food. The thing is, looking back on it, it was all so fake. We knew we were having a girl. Our family knew we were having a girl. We knew she had significant abnormalities and had been labeled "incompatible with life". We went through the motions of having the party, because that was always part of the "plan". Reflecting on it today, and every day it comes to my mind, I am filled with heartache. Everyone was outwardly happy, as was I. Inside though, I was devastated. I was heartbroken. I was dying. I should have been honest and just spent the day loving my mom. Instead we had a big party where everyone pretended to be happy and full of excitement. I am usually decent at expressing myself through words, but this memory and the feelings that surround Mother's Day, can't be expressed adequately. It's painful. I will have to leave it at that. 

This year is different though. God has brought the most perfect rainbow into our lives. My morning has been full of Benjamin cuddles and smiles and lots of tears (it's rough to be 7 months old). My husband made cinnamon rolls for me. I am spending quiet time blogging. Sam is doing all the chores I would normally be doing. Life is great this morning. I have so much to be thankful for. Even with all these blessings, a small part of my heart is aching. I am so thankful to know that Mary is in heaven, with God, completely healed and happy. I rest in that knowledge today. I loved her unconditionally for every moment of her life. Today I will try my hardest to find joy in every moment. I will also be kind to myself and take care of myself. I will thank God for both of my children. 

Before I wrap up and enjoy my day in the present, I have to get something off my chest. Several months ago, someone commented on social media about how I need to move on and leave Mary in the past so that Benjamin doesn't grow up feeling unloved. There was more to it, but that the gist of it. At the time I was mad and sad, but told myself to move on. The truth is, I haven't. It was quite possibly the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I haven't been able to move on. I feel guilty every day for grieving for Mary. I feel guilty for mentioning her. I feel guilty for speaking of her. I feel guilty. It has been awful. I haven't blogged. I haven't mentioned her much. The few times I have, I worry who might be judging me. I worry that Benjamin will look bad and be bitter. It has been awful. Today, my gift to myself for Mother's Day, is to forgive this person. I will forgive her and love her despite her opinions. I will celebrate being a mother of two. I will create special memories with Benjamin. Benjamin will NEVER be seen or told or made to feel like he is not as special as Mary. He will know of Mary and that she was his "big" sister. He will know that he was desired just as much as she was. He will also be celebrated and cherished and special traditions will be started with him. I will no longer worry what other's think of the choices our family makes. That is the beauty of life. We are each unique and individual. What works for us, may not work for everyone, and that is okay. We are the Krause family; Samuel, Jolee, Mary and Benjamin (and Ellie), and today we will chose JOY. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers in my life. A special, gentle Mother's Day to my friends who also have a piece of their heart in heaven too. Celebrate all you have done as a mother! Be kind and gentle to yourself, and most importantly, be honest with however you are feeling. 

11 Months... And Random Acts of Kindness

I cannot believe today marks 11 months since we held our precious Mary Margaret. How is that even possible? Every month is hard, but 11 doesn't seem possible. Next month, it will be one year. We will have lived a year with our daughter in heaven. That sucks. Even as we prepare for the arrival of Benjamin, we are reminded daily that our family isn't complete. We wonder what life would have been like if Mary was with us. We wonder what life would have been like if she didn't have Triploidy. We wonder what life would have been like if she did live WITH Triploidy. I hate that we will forever be left wondering, and having only one day, really one hour and forty-six minutes, to relive in our minds forever. 

One year ago I was preparing to start the next school year. Today, I am doing the same. Last year we were celebrating that we had made it to the third trimester with Mary. I was wondering how my maternity leave would work out. I was worrying about who would cover my class when I was out. I had no idea that in one short month, way sooner than I would have ever wished, our lives would be changed forever. One year ago, I had no idea I had just one month left carrying my precious first daughter. It was and is a not-so-kind reminder that life is fragile and can change in a heartbeat! For the next month, I will be reliving the hardest moments of my life. The last month of my pregnancy with Mary was one full of heartache, hard conversations, harder decisions, and ugly truths. There were moments of hope and joy, but they were overshadowed by the heartache we were experiencing. 

On August 13th of this year, we will celebrate Mary's first birthday. Instead of planning an adorable themed first birthday party, and planning a smash cake, I am wondering how I will survive the day. I am wondering what I can do to bring myself the most peace and calm. I am wondering if anyone will remember my Mary after we pass the year mark. I am wondering what in the world we will do to honor and remember our precious and perfect Mary Margaret. I have so many ideas. Some sound great at times, then a few hours or days later, they don't. The possibilities are endless, but nothing seems "good enough" to honor and celebrate such a precious miracle. 

I have a favor to ask those of you reading this. After much thought and consideration, I have decided I want to honor and celebrate Mary's first birthday and "angelversary" by spreading kindness and love. Our world is a dark and dreary place so often these days. I would love for everyone to do a simple random act of kindness during the next month in honor of Mary Margaret. It doesn't have to be anything big, just small things to bring love and kindness to others around you. If and when you do, would you write a quick sentence or two and email it to me or Facebook message it to me? I want to start collecting them and read them with Sam on her birthday. I will print them out and NOT read them until her birthday. I know Mary made a huge impact on the world last year, and I'm not ready for that to stop. It would make her birthday extra special. I will put them in a special book and share them with Benjamin and future sisters and brothers someday.  I know random acts of kindness are supposed to be anonymous most of the time, but we would love to have some happy things to read on her birthday. If you aren't comfortable doing that, would you write a sentence or two sharing a memory of Mary you remember from over the last year. I know that also sounds funny, but I know someone has something special to say. We say thank you in advance for honoring and celebrating our Mary with us. 

Below are a few of my favorite pictures of her and our journey with her. I haven't shared any lately, so I thought it was time! We thank God daily for the opportunity he gave us to be Mary's parents. We praise Him for getting us through 11 months so far. We thank Him for continuing to bless our marriage so that Benjamin is brought into a happy, healthy family where he is loved deeply and will be brought up knowing of his big sister, but also as a unique and precious child of God. We will continue to praise Him through the next month and the hard days that are bound to come as emotions and memories resurface. 
  

Best family picture ever! <3

A complete family, even if only for a brief moment in time. 

Her baptism!

A look back at when I got to carry her daily! 

A father's unconditional love 

Perfectly imperfect! <3 

Reliving Old Memories; Creating New Ones

It has been a really long time since I have posted a public post. I have sat down so many times and started writing.  For some reason it makes me mad and I just delete it.  I have no idea why. Well I should say that I had no idea why. As I'm writing this, I'm talking with one of my very good friends, another mommy who has lost a daughter to a Trisomy condition. Reflecting with her, I think I've pinpointed it. I want to update. I want to blog about Mary. I want to continue sharing her story and where Sam and I are in our grief, but I feel torn because I'm carrying Benjamin. I want to talk about him as well, and my pregnancy, but this is Mary's story. I don't ever want to compare them to each other. Mary is a unique and special person. So is Benjamin. He is just as loved and desired as Mary. I don't ever want Mary to be forgotten, but I know inevitably it's going to happen. Of course Sam and I won't forget her, or Benjamin or any future children, or our immediate family, but the world will. That is no one fault. It's just life. Time passes and other things happen. Life gets busy, I don't blog as often, we have more children, and Mary's story just fades away. I know thats life, but I hate it. I hate that I won't ever be able to "update" the world about what she is doing now. The new milestones she has reached. Instead, I will only be able to share the impact her precious life has on our lives and those she has touched. I hope someday that I can continue her legacy in a big way, but right now, it's all I can do to get through each day without her, and not constantly compare my pregnancies. 

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. It was also one year to the day that we found out she had significant abnormalities. This past Tuesday was one year to the day that we celebrated Mother's Day and announced her gender. That day, may have been the worst day of my entire life, reflecting back, it was even more painful than the day we said hello and goodbye to her. I was in such a terrible spot. I was in denial. I was hurting more than I have ever hurt in my life. I feel like we all "pretended" all day. Ugh. It was a horrible day. You can reread the blog post about Mother's Day and our Gender Reveal Party if you care to remember the details of it. It seemed great at the time. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to celebrate Mother's Day again. Her "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) anniversary will always and forever be around Mother's Day. It sucks. It hurts. I struggled a lot this past week. The memories were hard. I cried. I was angry. I was cranky. Grief just sucks. A lot. Friday, May 13th, was Mary's 9 month anniversary. That day was also really hard. I cannot believe it has been that long since we last held her. So many hard days this week. In the midst of all these hard days and crazy emotions, I felt Benjamin (our rainbow baby) kick for the first time. It was a feeling I can't describe. The most amazing feeling ever. I was so excited. Then, suddenly, I just started sobbing. As happy as I am with this new milestone in my pregnancy, it made me so so sad too. I realize how abnormal my pregnancy with Mary really was. I was so happy to feel Benjamin but yet I was so sad that I never got to feel Mary. Can I just say it again, grief sucks. It complicates even the simplest things. I feel like it steals true joy from me sometimes. I realize I still have an enormous amount of feelings and emotions to work through. I know I will never be the same person again, that I was before Mary, but I wonder if I will ever be able to shake this heavy feeling I carry some days. I refer to it as the "Great Sadness". Days that the "Great Sadness" is really bad, it's all I can do to make it through the day without biting someone's head off or locking myself away. I am so thankful that I know Sam is by my side and pulls me through those days. His love and compassion and kindness never cease to amaze me. He is such a gift from God. He means more to me than words can express. Mary was so lucky to have him as her daddy. Benjamin is so lucky to have him as his dad to walk through life with. I am so blessed to call him my husband. God has given Sam a strength that is incredible. God continues to bless and strengthen  our marriage in ways I am in awe of. So many couples crumble after losing a child. I have so much to thank God for. Yet, some days, I am still so pissed at Him. I know he didn't "take" Mary, but I just struggle with His ways sometimes. Faith is such a journey as well. 

There are less than three months until Mary's one year Angelversary. I know that time is going to fly by. I want to do something special to celebrate and honor her. I want to start a tradition that we can continue with our future children to keep her memory alive. I want to do something to better the world and the lives of others in her honor. There is not much time, yet I hate to think about it. I will try to update more often. I will try to continue to be honest and vulnerable. Just know that even though it's been 9 months since we met and said goodbye to Mary, that we want to still talk about her. I want to continue her legacy, it's just seeming harder and harder. She was so beautiful, and I just want to continue to share her beauty, and the love of God, with the world. I need the courage to continue.  

His love and support keep our family moving forward and healing! 

Time Just Keeps Passing

I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted. I have sat down to write a few times, and the words just don't seem to come. It's been weird lately. This thing called grief is such a roller coaster. There are days, and even weeks that I am "fine". Fine doesn't mean good, it just means that I am surviving. I go days and weeks without crying. I think of Mary daily, but it doesn't always lead to tears. Then I'll wonder if something is wrong with me. Then suddenly, one day, I'm a mess. The smallest things make me cry. Seeing a mom nursing a baby, or a coworker talk about an accomplishment of their child, or sometimes just silence. None of these things are bad, it just reminds me of what I don't have. I am realize that while the first year is the hardest, there will be milestones for the rest of my life I won't get to share with Mary. That breaks my heart. It's so unfair. 

I came to the realization a few weeks ago, that I actually carried Mary for 34 weeks. I delivered her just shy of 32 weeks according to the doctors. Then I realized that we know the exact day she was conceived. They kept changing her due date because she was always measuring small. I know this sounds like no big deal to most, but to me it was a HUGE deal. It was such a proud mommy moment. It doesn't matter what the doctors wrote down on my chart. We know for sure exactly how long I had been carrying her. I was able to carry her 34 amazing weeks. That is two "extra" weeks that I had never given my body and God credit for. I had two "extra" weeks with my precious Mary. There is no real reason to share this, except that it matters to me. Maybe there are other mommies and daddies out there who may be in the same boat. Two weeks is a big deal to us. 

There are a lot of big changes happening in our life lately. It's crazy that life continues to move forward like nothing ever happened. I have had other angel moms tell me that the world tends to forget after about 6 months. It's no ones fault. No one does it to intentionally hurt you, its just life happens so fast and other things come up. I have felt this so much lately. I am not hurt by it, it just makes me sad that there are so many new people in my life who don't know I'm a mom. There are people in my life, who already are forgetting that I am a mom. I don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I just let it be. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for my yearly physical. There was a question on the form that asked how many children you have. I had NO idea how to answer it. They wanted number of children and their ages. I panicked a little. I froze. I decided to just leave it blank. I didn't want to put one child and for age "death" or "deceased", but I also didn't want to put 0 children because Mary is very much my child. I turned the paper in and sat back down. A few minutes later they called me back up. The woman told me I forgot the question about children. She asked if I had any children. I told her yes and then paused. She asked me how old, and I said she actually just passed away. It was so uncomfortable. She immediately got tears in her eyes and didn't know how to respond or what to say. I felt so bad. I hate to make people uncomfortable. I quickly pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of Mary. I told her she blessed our lives so much. She told me how beautiful Mary was. I don't know if she believed it or not, but it made me feel a little better. It was the first time I hadn't mentioned that Mary had Triploidy when I was talking about her. I just talked about how precious she was. I looked down at the paper and realized she had also left the question blank, even after talking to me. The doctor never asked me about it. I don't know what they wrote down in my chart, but I will always hate that question. In conversation it's easy to say one child in heaven, but from a medical standpoint, its more complicated. Something I never expected to be hard and triggering, simply going to the doctor. I'm sure many other things like this will come up. I pray I have the strength and courage to face them with grace and beauty. 

One of the biggest changes on our life has been that Sam and I have decided to move. Our perspective and priorities have changed dramatically in the last year. I feel like in our first year of marriage, we aged a lot. We are leaving our house, the one we love so much, the house that we had Mary in, in order to pay off our debt and make positive changes for ourselves and our future children. I am excited about our new adventures, but terrified to take down Mary's crib and pack up her room. We never decorated her nursery or anything but it is still Mary's room. Her crib and rocking chair set in there and her crib is full of all her memories. Many tears and precious memories are held in the room. The thought of packing it up and moving away breaks my heart. Our future children will never get to see the only physical place that "belonged" to Mary. Putting up her crib, and watching Sam work so proudly to make it perfect was so special. Watching Sam take it down and box it back up is going to kill me I think. Stupid mundane things are so hard now. I know it's the right decision for our family, but it's another dream, and a big part of Mary that is disappearing. 

God has been so present through last year of our life. He has never left our side. He has caught all our tears and shared in our joy. I have no doubt that He will provide and bless us richly as we continue to walk through life. Big changes our happening for us. We are saying goodbye to another part of Mary. The days continue to pass and the time since we held her grows bigger. We are now coming upon all the dates that were so fun and exciting last year. February 5th for example, was the day we announced we were having a baby. That was a bittersweet day last week. February 13th was her six month anniversary. So many dates that have so much meaning to them. Life is so crazy, so fun, so sad, so dramatic, and so, so worth it. Sam and I are better people because of our Mary. God is more real to us than ever before. Our marriage is so strong because of the Mary. God is so good. He will continue to carry us through the new and next adventures of life. 

Deep Sorrow and Extreme Joy

Christmas is two days away. My heart and head are a mess. There are not adequate words to describe the deep sorrow and extreme joy I am experiencing this Christmas season. From the very first days we found out we were expecting, Sam and I talked about Christmas this year. We were beyond excited to have our own baby with us. All the cousins would be together at Nani's house and it would be magical. Our baby would be so little and precious. The conversations about traveling between Phoenix and Tucson were joy filled as we were just beside ourselves with excitement to share the best day of the year with our child. Then when "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) came, some of our first thoughts were about how different Christmas was actually going to be. Christmas thoughts were some of the first shattered dreams we had. Instead of the extreme joy we were anticipating, we are experiencing a deep emptiness of what should be. 

We are in an odd place. I feel like we are always in an odd place. We have really tried hard as a couple to enjoy the Christmas season. It is our first Christmas married! We mustered all of our strength and we decorated our house. Sam worked so hard to decorate the outside of our house with lots of lights. I decorated the inside. We put up our big tree. We decorated our Mary Christmas tree. We bought Christmas presents and wrapped them all. We have watched numerous Christmas movies. We had attended church every week. To us, this is a big accomplishment. There are many mommies and daddies we have come to know that are not physically capable of doing that this year. That is okay. Each person and couple are different. We thank God for providing His strength and comfort during the hardest season of our lives. We try really hard to remember that Mary is in heaven, experiencing the most beautiful Christmas. Far more beautiful than we can even comprehend. We are experiencing a deep joy this season that wouldn't be possible if we didn't have such a strong faith in Him. We are not always happy, and there have been days, like yesterday, where I can't get myself to do anything. Days like yesterday where I cancel plans I was so looking forward to because the pain is just too much to handle. Even on those super dark days, in my heart, I have joy because this year, more than ever in my life, I appreciate the real meaning of Christmas. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Friday is Christmas. It has come upon us so quickly. I have no way to anticipate how I will react and feel. I wonder will I cry? Will I be angry? Will I have short patience? Will I be quiet? Will I be my normal happy self? I have come to realize there is no way to guess. I will be and act just the way I need to. I am so thankful that we have to courage and strength to continue our traditions this year and not just stay home and hide. I am thankful for Sam, and his strength to lead me through these hard times. I am thankful for our family, who will let us know, even without saying it, that they understand and accept us for where we are now. I am thankful for Mary and the fact she is our perfect first born daughter. I am thankful that God gave her to us and that these days are so hard because we LOVED HER SO MUCH. 

As we begin our Christmas celebrations, I ask that you take a few quiet moments in the days to come, and just reflect on how blessed you are. Tell your family how much you love them. Laugh hard. Live in the moment. Soak up each day for what it is. Christmas is such a special time, and yet for so many, it is so hard. There is always something to be thankful for, and I encourage you to search deep and focus on that if the next days are tough. 

Below are two songs. I think they perfectly describe the way I am feeling right now. Extremely different from one another, but thats my life right now. The first is by Plumb and the second is by Josh Groban. 

Merry Christmas! 

A Different Kind Of Christmas

I survived the three month anniversary. I survived Thanksgiving. I have also come to realize a pattern to my grieving. The anxiety leading up to the "day" or big events is so much worse than the actual day. For a good week before a big day where we will be really missing Mary, I am a mess. I am super grumpy, get mad over stupid things, cry so much, and am just not a pleasant person inside our house. Then something crazy happens, the big "day" comes and I'm in a great mood and counting my blessings. I have no idea why this is my pattern for grieving. I guess it's just me. I am learning to identify when this is happening and trying to work through it with Sam. We talk things through and I usually feel better. I hope that I continue to have this strength as we approach my birthday and especially Christmas. 

Each time we walk through Target and see all the adorable "baby's first Christmas"outfits, my heart shatters. It is probably the most brutal reminder that our arms are Maryless. I stop and hold the outfits. I don't know why I do this to myself. Sam always tries to keep me walking, but I'm just drawn to them. It is Mary's first Christmas, it's just that she's spending it in heaven. As her mommy, I miss her being in my arms, creating memories with her, starting new traditions. Then I remember she is in heaven and is perfect. She gets to celebrate Christmas with the One we honor on Christmas day. How incredible it must be in heaven at Christmas time! 

Lately I have been struggling with a nagging guilty feeling. I see many, many mommies who have lost their babies and children who are writing and sharing that she can't get into the Christmas spirit at all. They share that their grief and pain is so deep that they aren't able to decorate, shop, ect. I know each and every person is different and grieves in their own way, but it has made me feel guilty at time. Sam and I spent all last weekend decorating our house for Christmas. Our front yard is beautiful! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated it. There were definitely hard times in the process, but we enjoyed it. We have been Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music. I wonder if I'm being a bad mommy by not being more depressed. As I write it out, it sounds silly. My heart is completely broken. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back with me. With that being said, I also know that Mary wouldn't want me to be miserable. I thank God so much for her. I wake up each morning and do my bible study. I write down things each morning I am thankful for. It really helps me. While I am very, very, very anxious about the pain I will feel Christmas without Mary, I am enjoying the Christmas season as much as I can. I cry almost every day on my way to school as I think about Mary and listen to music. Then I get to work and muster the strength to get out and end up having really good days. I can say that because what we have been through in the last year, we have a much richer appreciation for the true meaning of Christmas. The world is so much more beautiful in my eyes since I had Mary. I appreciate and savor the small things. 

We are starting a new family tradition in our house this year. We are going to get a real, small Christmas tree that we will place in our family room where we spend most of our time. We have our big, beautiful tree as well. We are going to call it our "Mary Christmas Tree". This year we are putting all our ornaments we received for our wedding. We are also putting all the special ornaments we got for Mary on them. Each year we will add one new special ornament for our Mary Margaret. When we have more children, we will get each of them a special ornament as well. It will be our special way of incorporating Mary into Christmas each and every year. 

The last thing I want to share is a picture that was posted in a group on Facebook I belong to. It was really powerful to me for a few reasons. 

I have many friends who have also lost a child. It's an exclusive club that NO ONE should ever be part of. I think hands-down, this is the best gift you could give any of us at any time. Whether it's our first Christmas, like this year, or in fifteen years. We don't bring up our children a lot because we don't want people to be or feel awkward. The reality is, we are thinking of our little ones and would LOVE to talk about them. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or sad,  I just want to keep her memory alive. I don't want sympathy. I just want to talk about Mary. I just want to remember that our family is one person less that it "should" be. I just want to talk about how our little family is different because we have a child in heaven. Sam and I are so blessed to have had a beautiful daughter who made an impact on this world. We want to celebrate her memory this season as we can't hold her in our arms and shower her with gifts. 

All The Strength From Within

Tomorrow will be three months since we met our precious baby girl. I cannot believe how fast AND how slow time is going. It is nearly impossible for me to try to describe time right now. Three months. That is crazy. I think about what life would be like with a three month old. I bet she would be starting to show her own unique personality. She'd be smiling and laughing. Oh, how I could get so lost in this thought. Then, every night when we go to bed, we walk past her empty crib and nursery. Instead of seeing a nursery filled with the mess of a newborn and the smell of diapers, we see all her memorials, filling her crib where she should be sleeping every night. We get into bed and hug our Mary bear. Our arms should be filled with our living, healthy baby, instead we cling to a bear to try to satisfy our arms and "trick" our minds. 

Three months ago tonight, Sam and I were settling into our nightly routine of sleeping in the hospital. It would have been our third night there. I remember being very frustrated and confused. I felt so, so horrible. I was swelling so much, my head was killing me, but yet I had my precious baby alive inside of me. I remember being so nauseous and sick and wanting relief but yet never wanting it all to come to an end. I remember how confused we were. We had had many, many talks with God and we really felt that my health was in jeopardy (which it really was), but yet we just talked with doctor after doctor about what was to come. I remember crying and not wanting this to all be over and yet desperately wanting to meet our Mary. Three months ago tonight, at midnight, the head perinatal doctor came in and told us we would be having Mary the next day.

Three months ago tomorrow was the best and worst day of my life. Tomorrow will be hard. For some reason the 13th of each month just tortures me. It has some sick control over my mind and emotions. No matter how hard I pray, the days leading up to "Mary's Day" as we call it, are never fun. I'm so emotional. I get so mad. So sad. So confused. So tired. So many emotions... all usually over nothing. As I'm writing this, I'm talking with another mom, and dear friend, who lost her baby girl not long after Mary. We know that this will never get easier, we will just learn how to live with it. We wonder, especially tonight, when THAT begins to happen? There are still times, too often, that I physically hurt while missing Mary. Then there are days that I am so happy and realize how extremely blessed I am to be Mary's mommy. I thank God for giving her to me for 32 weeks inside and 106 minutes in our arms. Tonight, in preparation for tomorrow, I will share how thankful I am for my husband and my daughter in our 106 perfect minutes as a family. I can relive so many things again and again, but tonight I will remember the strength we had that day. Sam and I loved Mary and thought she was perfect. We kissed her, hugged her, tried to keep her warm. We sang to her and we prayed over her. Then, somehow...with the strength that only God can give us, we realized she was struggling. This wasn't new. We'd known this would happen for a while, but now we were actually watching it. Watching your child, literally dying in front of your eyes, is the single hardest thing any mother and father can ever experience. God gave us strength though. Sam and I prayed so hard over Mary. We prayed that God would take her home anytime he was ready. We knew He had answered our prayers. We knew that Mary was going to go home. We prayed that she would be courageous as she took her last, little tiny breaths. Praying your child passes in peace is not easy. Let me assure you of this. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But... Sam and I did it together. We held each other, and our daughter, and knew God was holding us. As I sit and reflect on this, I pray for that same strength tomorrow, and every hard day to come. I know that Sam will always be there, and together we will get through all the hard days. I know God is always there, and is carrying us when we can't do it ourselves. I praise God for the strength He gives me on days when I don't think it's possible. 

Tomorrow will come whether I am ready for it or not. Then four months, five months, six months, a year, two years, ect. will all come. I will try to muster all the strength from within to make the days happy and joyous and celebrate the life God has blessed me with. Mary's memory will never die, she continues to make an impact on this world, and we are so proud to be her mommy and daddy. 

I know I might be biased, but have you ever seen such a perfect "imperfect" baby? Her little body, of 69 chromosomes, looks just like a precious baby.