Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go

Inside my head is not a very pleasant place to be lately. I am a whirlwind of emotions. I keep thinking the further out we get, the less painful missing Mary will be. That just isn't the reality. Really hard days just hit out of no where and they are not fun. Some days I am okay. Some days I am not. 

We got a lot of good new this week. I was FINALLY released from the OBGYN. After 26 weeks of being seen once or twice a week, I am done. My preeclampsia is gone for the most part (my blood pressure goes up a little when I'm upset, but eh whatever). My incision looks beautiful. I have lots 2/3 of my pregnancy weight. My OB is very, very impressed with the way my heath has dramatically turned around. I still struggle with the PPD some, but it's also part of the grieving process. It hasn't even been three months since we lost Mary. My doctor finally released me back to work! This was a great news. It was bittersweet though. Our doctor and nurses know Mary better than many other people. They are definitely part of our "family" now. It's crazy to look at my calendar and not see an OB appointment. The next OB appointment I will have will be to confirm pregnancy. That is a crazy, crazy thought!

We also got good news from the pulmonologist. My pneumonia is also gone. My lungs are functioning pretty well too. I still struggle to breathe when exercising or when I am upset, but that will just continue to get better. I have a small nodule in my lung that he will x-ray/follow for the next two years. It's probably nothing, but he just wants to make sure! It is very nice to feel better. 

The last appointment of the week was with my primary care doctor. He did my annual physical and all the fancy blood work and tests. I was a little worried for him to do all the in-depth blood work because I know that I am not in the best shape of my life. Overall, it was very good! He was also surprised and impressed with my overall health and turn around. I have a few small things that are slightly elevated, but for what my body has gone through over the last 10 months, it is all very normal. He was encouraged by the motivation I have to lose my pregnancy weight (and then some)! 

All of these appointments were silver linings to us. After months and months are bad news after bad news, it was very reassuring to get good news. I am so thankful for all the prayers and support through this journey. I praise God and thank Him for blessing my body with strength to recover and ultimately prepare for another pregnancy in the future. 

I try to remember all the happy feeling this week to give me motivation and strength to face tomorrow, this week, and weeks to come. Tomorrow I go back to work. While I am excited, I am a complete and total mess about it. When I think about it, all I can think is that I'm closing the chapter of life with Mary in it. The last time I was a working teacher, I had Mary with me everyday. I can't imagine how my heart will ever get through the day tomorrow and this week. 

I have visited my class a few times this week. I have sure missed my students so much. They made me feel so special. The first time I went in they didn't know what to think or how to act. They just sort of looked at me. The second time was much better. They were excited to see me and actually talked to me. It's a big change for all of us. I know my week with my students will be great. I just worry about the rest of it. I get SO tired from standing and being active for more than like two hours at a time. Teaching special education is very active for eight plus hours! I worry about getting too tired and worn out. I also worry about my heart. I have a bleeding heart right now (or maybe always). I worry that my heart isn't ready to go back to work and deal with the reality that my students have to face daily. I worry that something will upset me and I'll fall apart. I worry about spending eight plus hours a day people. I have spent the majority of my days alone for the last ten weeks. My hormones are still leveling back out. Between hormones and grief, I'm worried about getting through the day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. To be honest, I am not ready to go back. I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom/wife but that isn't a possibility right now. I am not ready to "move-on" without my Mary. 

With all this said, I continue to have faith. I have no doubt that God will carry me through much of this week. I trust that this is what I'm supposed to be doing now. I know that Mary would want me to be happy and healthy and to continue living with a positive attitude. I have faith in His timing. He has gotten us this far, He isn't going to leave us now. I say "us" because, even though I am the one emotional about going back to work, it directly effects us a family. Sam has to deal with cranky, cranky Jolee. He has to wipe my tears, answer all my texts, hold my hand as I enter the "real" work again. It isn't easy for him either, just different. I thank God for the return of my health. I thank God for providing me with a job, and I trust He already has the future planned for us. I'm sure this week will be better than I am expecting. I just have to take one step at a time. 

Below is a song I may have posted before. It is a song a friend shared with me when we first found out about Mary. I have literally listened to it every day since then. It is "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I will listen to it 10000x tomorrow if I need to. It gives me so much hope and I will get through this week! 

Two Months Too Soon

It has been a while since I last wrote. Let me tell you, this grief journey is no joke. I wish there was a direction book included. The problem is, it looks different for each person. I've been told that, but honestly I see it, just in our small family of two. Sam and I grieve differently and that is okay. Its hard though, for both of us. Sometimes you never except things to trigger you when they do. The beautiful thing is that Sam and I love each other through our hard days. And somehow, we find joy in all situations, even the really hard days. 

This past week has been pretty brutal. Saturday, October 11th was Mary's due date. The day was hard. It was hard because it was just another reminder that we are once again entering a new phase of life. Her due date signals the beginning of the holiday's for us. We had dreams and plans of dressing her up as an adorable little pumpkin for Halloween. Halloween of course leads itself to Thanksgiving, which leads to my birthday, and finally Christmas. We had dreams and plans for ALL of these. Don't all new parents? Now our dreams are shattered and we are having to re-dream and re-plan. We miss Mary so so much when we think about the holiday's. It will be a difficult season to say the least. Today is the 14th of October which means she should be at least 3 days old. I can get myself totally lost in thinking about all the "what would she be doing" thoughts. Before the 11th, for some reason, I was able to stop myself easier. Instead, Sam and I try to focus on how blessed our life has been since she graced us with her presence. We have learned to love and appreciate each other even more. We have learned to thank God in ALL situations. We have learned to appreciate the small things, even as simple as watching a bee pollinate a flower. 

Yesterday was two months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby. It has gone so so fast, and yet so terribly slow. There is no way I can describe it any better. Yesterday was especially hard. I guess that's normal. I cried most of the morning. About nothing in particular except for the fact that my arms were just so empty. So longing to hold and love Mary. I was finally able to pull myself together and I went to visit my school. The kids didn't start back until today so I knew there would only be teachers at school. If everything continues improving like it has been, I'll be back at work in week and a half. I have so many emotions about starting back to work. I decided it would be easiest on my heart if I went and said hello to some people before my first day back. On my way to my school I cried yet again, because I realized most other teachers also do this before they return from maternity leave. The difference, most show off their baby. I had no baby to show. Only awkward and uncomfortable hellos. I didn't make it around nearly as much as I wanted because I spent the majority of my two hours with my paras and my team. It was just what my heart needed. I am dreading returning to school and having kids ask questions. I'm dreading returning to "normal" without Mary constantly with me this time. BUT... I know I will be okay because I am loved by colleagues and they will help me adjust. I left my school in a better mood, but missing Mary even more. All I could think about was how different I had prayed this all would turn out. I got home and took a nap. It took everything out of me to go to my school. I have no idea how I will ever be ready emotionally to return. All I can do is trust God; He's got me through this far, He isn't going anywhere now. Sam and I spent the evening together. We went out to dinner to celebrate our precious daughter. The 13th of each month will never be the same. I know eventually I'll get to the point where that number would physically hurt me like it does now, but that seems so, so, so far away. I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. It never ceases to amaze me at how much emotions physically present themselves in my body. I am thankful I am learning to acknowledge them, work through them, and not panic. 

Tomorrow night at 7pm is International Wave of Light. I welcome any and all of you to light a candle at 7pm in whatever time zone you are in. It signifies and brings awareness to infant loss. Light a candle for Mary, light a candle for a loved one of your own, but let's tell the world just how much Mary has touched us. Light is so symbolic to me. God has been my light through all of this, somehow He has shown my how to sail through this chapter of my life. Tomorrow, light will shine in memory our precious and perfect Mary. Sam and I will be attending a celebration at the hospital where we delivered in honor of all the babies who have passed this year. We are one of the most recent couples to join this horrible journey. I can't say I'm looking forward to it because I just don't know what to expect. I am looking forward to be surrounded by mommies and daddies who truly understand though. 

The song "Held" by Natalie Grant has been special to us since we lost Mary. It was part of her slideshow. Just a few weeks ago through, it took on a whole new meaning to me. Below are the words to this special song. 

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
[Repeat Chorus]

A few weeks ago when I was listening to the song, the words "That the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held" really hit me. I have always listened to this song as a reminder that God is holding us right now as we are missing Mary. He promises that he will always "hold" us and get us through. Well those words made me realize that yet again, God truly kept his promise in a very tangible way for Mary. When everything in Mary's life was falling and failing, all her organs and life itself, we, mommy and daddy, held her as an extension of God's unconditional love. We held her until she entered His kingdom and His arms. This song is a promise for all of us. Today and forever I trust that I will be held and loved, even in the midst of an extremely dark time in our life.