Today is a day to celebrate all the wonderful moms in our lives. I have an amazing mother. I love her with all my heart and soul and being. She means the world to me. I have a great mother-in-law, step-mom, Nani, grandma, and two beautiful sisters. I am so very blessed. I have so much to celebrate today. I have women to love on and pamper.
I am also a mother. I am a mother of two perfect children. Mary Margaret, my daughter, and Benjamin Douglas, my son. I am a mother to two perfect children. Sadly, today I can only hold and cuddle one of them. My heart is so full of joy today and also so full of sorrow. I know it's been a year and nine months since I held Mary, but Mother's Day will also be a day I struggle. I pray some day I can "move on" but that's not where I am at yet.
Two years ago, we did our Gender Reveal Party on Mother's Day. Our families went all out and made the day so special for us. The problem is, looking back at it, it may be the single worst day of my journey carrying Mary. We had a house full of our family and everyone we love so much. There were pink and blue things everywhere. There was yummy and delicious food. The thing is, looking back on it, it was all so fake. We knew we were having a girl. Our family knew we were having a girl. We knew she had significant abnormalities and had been labeled "incompatible with life". We went through the motions of having the party, because that was always part of the "plan". Reflecting on it today, and every day it comes to my mind, I am filled with heartache. Everyone was outwardly happy, as was I. Inside though, I was devastated. I was heartbroken. I was dying. I should have been honest and just spent the day loving my mom. Instead we had a big party where everyone pretended to be happy and full of excitement. I am usually decent at expressing myself through words, but this memory and the feelings that surround Mother's Day, can't be expressed adequately. It's painful. I will have to leave it at that.
This year is different though. God has brought the most perfect rainbow into our lives. My morning has been full of Benjamin cuddles and smiles and lots of tears (it's rough to be 7 months old). My husband made cinnamon rolls for me. I am spending quiet time blogging. Sam is doing all the chores I would normally be doing. Life is great this morning. I have so much to be thankful for. Even with all these blessings, a small part of my heart is aching. I am so thankful to know that Mary is in heaven, with God, completely healed and happy. I rest in that knowledge today. I loved her unconditionally for every moment of her life. Today I will try my hardest to find joy in every moment. I will also be kind to myself and take care of myself. I will thank God for both of my children.
Before I wrap up and enjoy my day in the present, I have to get something off my chest. Several months ago, someone commented on social media about how I need to move on and leave Mary in the past so that Benjamin doesn't grow up feeling unloved. There was more to it, but that the gist of it. At the time I was mad and sad, but told myself to move on. The truth is, I haven't. It was quite possibly the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I haven't been able to move on. I feel guilty every day for grieving for Mary. I feel guilty for mentioning her. I feel guilty for speaking of her. I feel guilty. It has been awful. I haven't blogged. I haven't mentioned her much. The few times I have, I worry who might be judging me. I worry that Benjamin will look bad and be bitter. It has been awful. Today, my gift to myself for Mother's Day, is to forgive this person. I will forgive her and love her despite her opinions. I will celebrate being a mother of two. I will create special memories with Benjamin. Benjamin will NEVER be seen or told or made to feel like he is not as special as Mary. He will know of Mary and that she was his "big" sister. He will know that he was desired just as much as she was. He will also be celebrated and cherished and special traditions will be started with him. I will no longer worry what other's think of the choices our family makes. That is the beauty of life. We are each unique and individual. What works for us, may not work for everyone, and that is okay. We are the Krause family; Samuel, Jolee, Mary and Benjamin (and Ellie), and today we will chose JOY.
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers in my life. A special, gentle Mother's Day to my friends who also have a piece of their heart in heaven too. Celebrate all you have done as a mother! Be kind and gentle to yourself, and most importantly, be honest with however you are feeling.
