Reliving Old Memories; Creating New Ones

It has been a really long time since I have posted a public post. I have sat down so many times and started writing.  For some reason it makes me mad and I just delete it.  I have no idea why. Well I should say that I had no idea why. As I'm writing this, I'm talking with one of my very good friends, another mommy who has lost a daughter to a Trisomy condition. Reflecting with her, I think I've pinpointed it. I want to update. I want to blog about Mary. I want to continue sharing her story and where Sam and I are in our grief, but I feel torn because I'm carrying Benjamin. I want to talk about him as well, and my pregnancy, but this is Mary's story. I don't ever want to compare them to each other. Mary is a unique and special person. So is Benjamin. He is just as loved and desired as Mary. I don't ever want Mary to be forgotten, but I know inevitably it's going to happen. Of course Sam and I won't forget her, or Benjamin or any future children, or our immediate family, but the world will. That is no one fault. It's just life. Time passes and other things happen. Life gets busy, I don't blog as often, we have more children, and Mary's story just fades away. I know thats life, but I hate it. I hate that I won't ever be able to "update" the world about what she is doing now. The new milestones she has reached. Instead, I will only be able to share the impact her precious life has on our lives and those she has touched. I hope someday that I can continue her legacy in a big way, but right now, it's all I can do to get through each day without her, and not constantly compare my pregnancies. 

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. It was also one year to the day that we found out she had significant abnormalities. This past Tuesday was one year to the day that we celebrated Mother's Day and announced her gender. That day, may have been the worst day of my entire life, reflecting back, it was even more painful than the day we said hello and goodbye to her. I was in such a terrible spot. I was in denial. I was hurting more than I have ever hurt in my life. I feel like we all "pretended" all day. Ugh. It was a horrible day. You can reread the blog post about Mother's Day and our Gender Reveal Party if you care to remember the details of it. It seemed great at the time. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to celebrate Mother's Day again. Her "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) anniversary will always and forever be around Mother's Day. It sucks. It hurts. I struggled a lot this past week. The memories were hard. I cried. I was angry. I was cranky. Grief just sucks. A lot. Friday, May 13th, was Mary's 9 month anniversary. That day was also really hard. I cannot believe it has been that long since we last held her. So many hard days this week. In the midst of all these hard days and crazy emotions, I felt Benjamin (our rainbow baby) kick for the first time. It was a feeling I can't describe. The most amazing feeling ever. I was so excited. Then, suddenly, I just started sobbing. As happy as I am with this new milestone in my pregnancy, it made me so so sad too. I realize how abnormal my pregnancy with Mary really was. I was so happy to feel Benjamin but yet I was so sad that I never got to feel Mary. Can I just say it again, grief sucks. It complicates even the simplest things. I feel like it steals true joy from me sometimes. I realize I still have an enormous amount of feelings and emotions to work through. I know I will never be the same person again, that I was before Mary, but I wonder if I will ever be able to shake this heavy feeling I carry some days. I refer to it as the "Great Sadness". Days that the "Great Sadness" is really bad, it's all I can do to make it through the day without biting someone's head off or locking myself away. I am so thankful that I know Sam is by my side and pulls me through those days. His love and compassion and kindness never cease to amaze me. He is such a gift from God. He means more to me than words can express. Mary was so lucky to have him as her daddy. Benjamin is so lucky to have him as his dad to walk through life with. I am so blessed to call him my husband. God has given Sam a strength that is incredible. God continues to bless and strengthen  our marriage in ways I am in awe of. So many couples crumble after losing a child. I have so much to thank God for. Yet, some days, I am still so pissed at Him. I know he didn't "take" Mary, but I just struggle with His ways sometimes. Faith is such a journey as well. 

There are less than three months until Mary's one year Angelversary. I know that time is going to fly by. I want to do something special to celebrate and honor her. I want to start a tradition that we can continue with our future children to keep her memory alive. I want to do something to better the world and the lives of others in her honor. There is not much time, yet I hate to think about it. I will try to update more often. I will try to continue to be honest and vulnerable. Just know that even though it's been 9 months since we met and said goodbye to Mary, that we want to still talk about her. I want to continue her legacy, it's just seeming harder and harder. She was so beautiful, and I just want to continue to share her beauty, and the love of God, with the world. I need the courage to continue.  

His love and support keep our family moving forward and healing!