I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted. I have sat down to write a few times, and the words just don't seem to come. It's been weird lately. This thing called grief is such a roller coaster. There are days, and even weeks that I am "fine". Fine doesn't mean good, it just means that I am surviving. I go days and weeks without crying. I think of Mary daily, but it doesn't always lead to tears. Then I'll wonder if something is wrong with me. Then suddenly, one day, I'm a mess. The smallest things make me cry. Seeing a mom nursing a baby, or a coworker talk about an accomplishment of their child, or sometimes just silence. None of these things are bad, it just reminds me of what I don't have. I am realize that while the first year is the hardest, there will be milestones for the rest of my life I won't get to share with Mary. That breaks my heart. It's so unfair.
I came to the realization a few weeks ago, that I actually carried Mary for 34 weeks. I delivered her just shy of 32 weeks according to the doctors. Then I realized that we know the exact day she was conceived. They kept changing her due date because she was always measuring small. I know this sounds like no big deal to most, but to me it was a HUGE deal. It was such a proud mommy moment. It doesn't matter what the doctors wrote down on my chart. We know for sure exactly how long I had been carrying her. I was able to carry her 34 amazing weeks. That is two "extra" weeks that I had never given my body and God credit for. I had two "extra" weeks with my precious Mary. There is no real reason to share this, except that it matters to me. Maybe there are other mommies and daddies out there who may be in the same boat. Two weeks is a big deal to us.
There are a lot of big changes happening in our life lately. It's crazy that life continues to move forward like nothing ever happened. I have had other angel moms tell me that the world tends to forget after about 6 months. It's no ones fault. No one does it to intentionally hurt you, its just life happens so fast and other things come up. I have felt this so much lately. I am not hurt by it, it just makes me sad that there are so many new people in my life who don't know I'm a mom. There are people in my life, who already are forgetting that I am a mom. I don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I just let it be. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for my yearly physical. There was a question on the form that asked how many children you have. I had NO idea how to answer it. They wanted number of children and their ages. I panicked a little. I froze. I decided to just leave it blank. I didn't want to put one child and for age "death" or "deceased", but I also didn't want to put 0 children because Mary is very much my child. I turned the paper in and sat back down. A few minutes later they called me back up. The woman told me I forgot the question about children. She asked if I had any children. I told her yes and then paused. She asked me how old, and I said she actually just passed away. It was so uncomfortable. She immediately got tears in her eyes and didn't know how to respond or what to say. I felt so bad. I hate to make people uncomfortable. I quickly pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of Mary. I told her she blessed our lives so much. She told me how beautiful Mary was. I don't know if she believed it or not, but it made me feel a little better. It was the first time I hadn't mentioned that Mary had Triploidy when I was talking about her. I just talked about how precious she was. I looked down at the paper and realized she had also left the question blank, even after talking to me. The doctor never asked me about it. I don't know what they wrote down in my chart, but I will always hate that question. In conversation it's easy to say one child in heaven, but from a medical standpoint, its more complicated. Something I never expected to be hard and triggering, simply going to the doctor. I'm sure many other things like this will come up. I pray I have the strength and courage to face them with grace and beauty.
One of the biggest changes on our life has been that Sam and I have decided to move. Our perspective and priorities have changed dramatically in the last year. I feel like in our first year of marriage, we aged a lot. We are leaving our house, the one we love so much, the house that we had Mary in, in order to pay off our debt and make positive changes for ourselves and our future children. I am excited about our new adventures, but terrified to take down Mary's crib and pack up her room. We never decorated her nursery or anything but it is still Mary's room. Her crib and rocking chair set in there and her crib is full of all her memories. Many tears and precious memories are held in the room. The thought of packing it up and moving away breaks my heart. Our future children will never get to see the only physical place that "belonged" to Mary. Putting up her crib, and watching Sam work so proudly to make it perfect was so special. Watching Sam take it down and box it back up is going to kill me I think. Stupid mundane things are so hard now. I know it's the right decision for our family, but it's another dream, and a big part of Mary that is disappearing.
God has been so present through last year of our life. He has never left our side. He has caught all our tears and shared in our joy. I have no doubt that He will provide and bless us richly as we continue to walk through life. Big changes our happening for us. We are saying goodbye to another part of Mary. The days continue to pass and the time since we held her grows bigger. We are now coming upon all the dates that were so fun and exciting last year. February 5th for example, was the day we announced we were having a baby. That was a bittersweet day last week. February 13th was her six month anniversary. So many dates that have so much meaning to them. Life is so crazy, so fun, so sad, so dramatic, and so, so worth it. Sam and I are better people because of our Mary. God is more real to us than ever before. Our marriage is so strong because of the Mary. God is so good. He will continue to carry us through the new and next adventures of life.
