11 Months... And Random Acts of Kindness

I cannot believe today marks 11 months since we held our precious Mary Margaret. How is that even possible? Every month is hard, but 11 doesn't seem possible. Next month, it will be one year. We will have lived a year with our daughter in heaven. That sucks. Even as we prepare for the arrival of Benjamin, we are reminded daily that our family isn't complete. We wonder what life would have been like if Mary was with us. We wonder what life would have been like if she didn't have Triploidy. We wonder what life would have been like if she did live WITH Triploidy. I hate that we will forever be left wondering, and having only one day, really one hour and forty-six minutes, to relive in our minds forever. 

One year ago I was preparing to start the next school year. Today, I am doing the same. Last year we were celebrating that we had made it to the third trimester with Mary. I was wondering how my maternity leave would work out. I was worrying about who would cover my class when I was out. I had no idea that in one short month, way sooner than I would have ever wished, our lives would be changed forever. One year ago, I had no idea I had just one month left carrying my precious first daughter. It was and is a not-so-kind reminder that life is fragile and can change in a heartbeat! For the next month, I will be reliving the hardest moments of my life. The last month of my pregnancy with Mary was one full of heartache, hard conversations, harder decisions, and ugly truths. There were moments of hope and joy, but they were overshadowed by the heartache we were experiencing. 

On August 13th of this year, we will celebrate Mary's first birthday. Instead of planning an adorable themed first birthday party, and planning a smash cake, I am wondering how I will survive the day. I am wondering what I can do to bring myself the most peace and calm. I am wondering if anyone will remember my Mary after we pass the year mark. I am wondering what in the world we will do to honor and remember our precious and perfect Mary Margaret. I have so many ideas. Some sound great at times, then a few hours or days later, they don't. The possibilities are endless, but nothing seems "good enough" to honor and celebrate such a precious miracle. 

I have a favor to ask those of you reading this. After much thought and consideration, I have decided I want to honor and celebrate Mary's first birthday and "angelversary" by spreading kindness and love. Our world is a dark and dreary place so often these days. I would love for everyone to do a simple random act of kindness during the next month in honor of Mary Margaret. It doesn't have to be anything big, just small things to bring love and kindness to others around you. If and when you do, would you write a quick sentence or two and email it to me or Facebook message it to me? I want to start collecting them and read them with Sam on her birthday. I will print them out and NOT read them until her birthday. I know Mary made a huge impact on the world last year, and I'm not ready for that to stop. It would make her birthday extra special. I will put them in a special book and share them with Benjamin and future sisters and brothers someday.  I know random acts of kindness are supposed to be anonymous most of the time, but we would love to have some happy things to read on her birthday. If you aren't comfortable doing that, would you write a sentence or two sharing a memory of Mary you remember from over the last year. I know that also sounds funny, but I know someone has something special to say. We say thank you in advance for honoring and celebrating our Mary with us. 

Below are a few of my favorite pictures of her and our journey with her. I haven't shared any lately, so I thought it was time! We thank God daily for the opportunity he gave us to be Mary's parents. We praise Him for getting us through 11 months so far. We thank Him for continuing to bless our marriage so that Benjamin is brought into a happy, healthy family where he is loved deeply and will be brought up knowing of his big sister, but also as a unique and precious child of God. We will continue to praise Him through the next month and the hard days that are bound to come as emotions and memories resurface. 
  

Best family picture ever! <3

A complete family, even if only for a brief moment in time. 

Her baptism!

A look back at when I got to carry her daily! 

A father's unconditional love 

Perfectly imperfect! <3 

Reliving Old Memories; Creating New Ones

It has been a really long time since I have posted a public post. I have sat down so many times and started writing.  For some reason it makes me mad and I just delete it.  I have no idea why. Well I should say that I had no idea why. As I'm writing this, I'm talking with one of my very good friends, another mommy who has lost a daughter to a Trisomy condition. Reflecting with her, I think I've pinpointed it. I want to update. I want to blog about Mary. I want to continue sharing her story and where Sam and I are in our grief, but I feel torn because I'm carrying Benjamin. I want to talk about him as well, and my pregnancy, but this is Mary's story. I don't ever want to compare them to each other. Mary is a unique and special person. So is Benjamin. He is just as loved and desired as Mary. I don't ever want Mary to be forgotten, but I know inevitably it's going to happen. Of course Sam and I won't forget her, or Benjamin or any future children, or our immediate family, but the world will. That is no one fault. It's just life. Time passes and other things happen. Life gets busy, I don't blog as often, we have more children, and Mary's story just fades away. I know thats life, but I hate it. I hate that I won't ever be able to "update" the world about what she is doing now. The new milestones she has reached. Instead, I will only be able to share the impact her precious life has on our lives and those she has touched. I hope someday that I can continue her legacy in a big way, but right now, it's all I can do to get through each day without her, and not constantly compare my pregnancies. 

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. It was also one year to the day that we found out she had significant abnormalities. This past Tuesday was one year to the day that we celebrated Mother's Day and announced her gender. That day, may have been the worst day of my entire life, reflecting back, it was even more painful than the day we said hello and goodbye to her. I was in such a terrible spot. I was in denial. I was hurting more than I have ever hurt in my life. I feel like we all "pretended" all day. Ugh. It was a horrible day. You can reread the blog post about Mother's Day and our Gender Reveal Party if you care to remember the details of it. It seemed great at the time. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to celebrate Mother's Day again. Her "D Day" (Diagnosis Day) anniversary will always and forever be around Mother's Day. It sucks. It hurts. I struggled a lot this past week. The memories were hard. I cried. I was angry. I was cranky. Grief just sucks. A lot. Friday, May 13th, was Mary's 9 month anniversary. That day was also really hard. I cannot believe it has been that long since we last held her. So many hard days this week. In the midst of all these hard days and crazy emotions, I felt Benjamin (our rainbow baby) kick for the first time. It was a feeling I can't describe. The most amazing feeling ever. I was so excited. Then, suddenly, I just started sobbing. As happy as I am with this new milestone in my pregnancy, it made me so so sad too. I realize how abnormal my pregnancy with Mary really was. I was so happy to feel Benjamin but yet I was so sad that I never got to feel Mary. Can I just say it again, grief sucks. It complicates even the simplest things. I feel like it steals true joy from me sometimes. I realize I still have an enormous amount of feelings and emotions to work through. I know I will never be the same person again, that I was before Mary, but I wonder if I will ever be able to shake this heavy feeling I carry some days. I refer to it as the "Great Sadness". Days that the "Great Sadness" is really bad, it's all I can do to make it through the day without biting someone's head off or locking myself away. I am so thankful that I know Sam is by my side and pulls me through those days. His love and compassion and kindness never cease to amaze me. He is such a gift from God. He means more to me than words can express. Mary was so lucky to have him as her daddy. Benjamin is so lucky to have him as his dad to walk through life with. I am so blessed to call him my husband. God has given Sam a strength that is incredible. God continues to bless and strengthen  our marriage in ways I am in awe of. So many couples crumble after losing a child. I have so much to thank God for. Yet, some days, I am still so pissed at Him. I know he didn't "take" Mary, but I just struggle with His ways sometimes. Faith is such a journey as well. 

There are less than three months until Mary's one year Angelversary. I know that time is going to fly by. I want to do something special to celebrate and honor her. I want to start a tradition that we can continue with our future children to keep her memory alive. I want to do something to better the world and the lives of others in her honor. There is not much time, yet I hate to think about it. I will try to update more often. I will try to continue to be honest and vulnerable. Just know that even though it's been 9 months since we met and said goodbye to Mary, that we want to still talk about her. I want to continue her legacy, it's just seeming harder and harder. She was so beautiful, and I just want to continue to share her beauty, and the love of God, with the world. I need the courage to continue.  

His love and support keep our family moving forward and healing! 

Time Just Keeps Passing

I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted. I have sat down to write a few times, and the words just don't seem to come. It's been weird lately. This thing called grief is such a roller coaster. There are days, and even weeks that I am "fine". Fine doesn't mean good, it just means that I am surviving. I go days and weeks without crying. I think of Mary daily, but it doesn't always lead to tears. Then I'll wonder if something is wrong with me. Then suddenly, one day, I'm a mess. The smallest things make me cry. Seeing a mom nursing a baby, or a coworker talk about an accomplishment of their child, or sometimes just silence. None of these things are bad, it just reminds me of what I don't have. I am realize that while the first year is the hardest, there will be milestones for the rest of my life I won't get to share with Mary. That breaks my heart. It's so unfair. 

I came to the realization a few weeks ago, that I actually carried Mary for 34 weeks. I delivered her just shy of 32 weeks according to the doctors. Then I realized that we know the exact day she was conceived. They kept changing her due date because she was always measuring small. I know this sounds like no big deal to most, but to me it was a HUGE deal. It was such a proud mommy moment. It doesn't matter what the doctors wrote down on my chart. We know for sure exactly how long I had been carrying her. I was able to carry her 34 amazing weeks. That is two "extra" weeks that I had never given my body and God credit for. I had two "extra" weeks with my precious Mary. There is no real reason to share this, except that it matters to me. Maybe there are other mommies and daddies out there who may be in the same boat. Two weeks is a big deal to us. 

There are a lot of big changes happening in our life lately. It's crazy that life continues to move forward like nothing ever happened. I have had other angel moms tell me that the world tends to forget after about 6 months. It's no ones fault. No one does it to intentionally hurt you, its just life happens so fast and other things come up. I have felt this so much lately. I am not hurt by it, it just makes me sad that there are so many new people in my life who don't know I'm a mom. There are people in my life, who already are forgetting that I am a mom. I don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I just let it be. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for my yearly physical. There was a question on the form that asked how many children you have. I had NO idea how to answer it. They wanted number of children and their ages. I panicked a little. I froze. I decided to just leave it blank. I didn't want to put one child and for age "death" or "deceased", but I also didn't want to put 0 children because Mary is very much my child. I turned the paper in and sat back down. A few minutes later they called me back up. The woman told me I forgot the question about children. She asked if I had any children. I told her yes and then paused. She asked me how old, and I said she actually just passed away. It was so uncomfortable. She immediately got tears in her eyes and didn't know how to respond or what to say. I felt so bad. I hate to make people uncomfortable. I quickly pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of Mary. I told her she blessed our lives so much. She told me how beautiful Mary was. I don't know if she believed it or not, but it made me feel a little better. It was the first time I hadn't mentioned that Mary had Triploidy when I was talking about her. I just talked about how precious she was. I looked down at the paper and realized she had also left the question blank, even after talking to me. The doctor never asked me about it. I don't know what they wrote down in my chart, but I will always hate that question. In conversation it's easy to say one child in heaven, but from a medical standpoint, its more complicated. Something I never expected to be hard and triggering, simply going to the doctor. I'm sure many other things like this will come up. I pray I have the strength and courage to face them with grace and beauty. 

One of the biggest changes on our life has been that Sam and I have decided to move. Our perspective and priorities have changed dramatically in the last year. I feel like in our first year of marriage, we aged a lot. We are leaving our house, the one we love so much, the house that we had Mary in, in order to pay off our debt and make positive changes for ourselves and our future children. I am excited about our new adventures, but terrified to take down Mary's crib and pack up her room. We never decorated her nursery or anything but it is still Mary's room. Her crib and rocking chair set in there and her crib is full of all her memories. Many tears and precious memories are held in the room. The thought of packing it up and moving away breaks my heart. Our future children will never get to see the only physical place that "belonged" to Mary. Putting up her crib, and watching Sam work so proudly to make it perfect was so special. Watching Sam take it down and box it back up is going to kill me I think. Stupid mundane things are so hard now. I know it's the right decision for our family, but it's another dream, and a big part of Mary that is disappearing. 

God has been so present through last year of our life. He has never left our side. He has caught all our tears and shared in our joy. I have no doubt that He will provide and bless us richly as we continue to walk through life. Big changes our happening for us. We are saying goodbye to another part of Mary. The days continue to pass and the time since we held her grows bigger. We are now coming upon all the dates that were so fun and exciting last year. February 5th for example, was the day we announced we were having a baby. That was a bittersweet day last week. February 13th was her six month anniversary. So many dates that have so much meaning to them. Life is so crazy, so fun, so sad, so dramatic, and so, so worth it. Sam and I are better people because of our Mary. God is more real to us than ever before. Our marriage is so strong because of the Mary. God is so good. He will continue to carry us through the new and next adventures of life.